Is it weird that he has more female friends than male friends?

Okay, here’s the deal. My boyfriend Jason and I have been together for almost two years now. The relationship is going great, and he’s never given me any reason not to trust him.

The only thing that bothers me is that he has several close girlfriends that he hangs out with pretty regularly. In fact, I’ve noticed that he really doesn’t have any guy buddies. Most of the time, he has two or three girls that he’ll meet up for drinks with. He invites me sometimes, but honestly, I feel like such an outsider when I’m with them. He’s known them for way longer than he’s known me, so they have a bunch of in-jokes and stuff that goes over my head. So now I usually just tell him to hang out with them on his own.

This is all fine, and I guess we’ve come to an understanding about that. But what does bother me sometimes is when he ends up hanging with one of the girls just by themselves. I guess she kind of sees him as a big brother because she ends up always going to him when she’s having issues in her dating life.

I don’t want to sound like a jealous girlfriend, and I’m obviously pretty open with him about my discomfort, but I can’t lie, it does bother me a little that he has like this harem of girls he spends a lot of his free time with, while never spending any time with any guy buddies.

Is this weird? Is it normal for me to feel uncomfortable?

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11 thoughts on “Is it weird that he has more female friends than male friends?

  1. C.Munro says:

    [I have more friends who are women than friends who are men. And it didn’t just pan out that way; there is a reason for that preference.

    Men compete with other men for the attention of women. There is a constant, annoying struggle for social dominance going on under the surface of those relationships. No matter how good of friends you think you are, the other guys in the group will always try to diminish your status to boost their own. They will usually try to undermine you if they see you in the company of a woman. This behavior is tiring, and I prefer to avoid it. Therefore, I don’t spend as much time with men as I do with women.

    The women who are my friends are not like that. The relationships are free of the friction that comes from competing for the attention of the opposite sex. In fact, most of the women who are my friends try to introduce me to other women they think I might like to date.

    Now as a guy, my take on it is that years of friendship is as close as you can come to a guarantee that a woman will never, ever consider me as a romantic partner. If I were the cheating type (I’m not), my friends would be the last women in the world who should be cause for concern to my girlfriend. They obviously don’t find me attractive. That’s why we’re friends. You know all those guys you’ve been friends with whom you’d never date or fool around with? That’s exactly what I am to them.

    The issue here is that women compete with each other for the attention of men. That’s why, even if his friends are all nice people with honorable intentions, it’s still uncomfortable to hang as a group. I’d suggest trying to hang with some of them without him around and see if there’s a chance at friendship there.

    • EricaSwagger says:

      [First of all, your entire second paragraph is something I have NEVER experienced. Not once. I know ZERO men who act that way. You just exaggerated your idea of how males act (based on what, I don’t know) so you can claim to be better than that.

      You’re not “above” being male. You have the same basic instincts as they all do. By hanging out with all women, you ARE competing. You compete with all other men for whatever time and attention your female friends give you, and you come out on top. So please don’t condescend to us all that you “prefer to avoid male competition” because dude, you’re the best at it and you clearly know this.

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [Well, if it works for him, then I think he has a right to voice his opinion.

    • EricaSwagger says:

      [Oh of course he does, and I just had to point out the way I saw it and the hypocrisy.

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [Fair enough. I thought you were being a bit harsh with a new user, and given that we’re still so new, I kinda want to be welcoming of everyone.

      But sure, you have just as much a right to your opinion as CM does.

    • C.Munro says:

      [Yes, Erica. I’m sure in all of your years as a man, you’ve never experienced this. You’re right.

      I never claimed to be better than other men. Only to disdain their behavior. How avoiding them is “competition” is beyond me. I make friends with people whose company I enjoy, and that naturally excludes most men. If the women I’m friends with want to hang out with other men, that’s their business. I’m not in competition there, only enjoying whatever time we happen to have for each other.

    • Matt Sanchelli says:

      [Sticking to this particular thread on the topic of that second paragraph; I can agree (to a point) on what C. Munro has said about the struggle for social dominance. But here’s how I interpreted it:

      You have 3 male friends, Guys A, Guy B, and Guy C. Guy A is interacting with a girl. Guys B and C, see this and begin giving him a hard time, picking on him, try to make him look less-appealing and themselves more appealing. The level at which this treatment occurs depends on the personalities of all three guys. In some cases it could be friends ribbing on each other; in other cases it may very-well be done with some sort of malicious intent.

      But here’s the thing…from my experience both men and women are guilty of this sort of activity, but obviously if you’re a guy hanging out with women you’re not going to be met with this same type of treatment from the females because you’re not female.

      I’ve personally experienced said “struggle for social dominance” from some of my guy friends, (not all) but the thing is that the last time I experienced anything like this was back in high school and college. My best guy friends now, if there’s any playful ribbing going on in front of a female it’s pretty light and soon-after followed up with some sort of genuine remark.

      That’s my take here.

  2. Dennis Hong says:

    [Rachel:

    I think this is definitely a tough situation, but if he’s been friends with them for years, you’re kind of SOL, you know what I mean? It’s not your place to dictate whom he is or isn’t friends with (which it doesn’t look like you’re doing at all, actually). Yes, the situation may not be “typical,” and yes, it may even be “normal” (I’m using the quotes here, because who’s to say what “typical” or “normal” really are), but to be blunt, I think the issue here is yours. So, the question becomes, do you trust Jason?

    If you don’t, then his hanging out with girl friends isn’t the problem. It’s your lack of trust, and that’s something you’ll have to address. If you do, then you have nothing to worry about, right?

    Jason:

    For your part, I think it might help if you realize that your friendship with multiple women isn’t all that common of an occurrence, and it is understandable that Rachel would be less than comfortable with it. If she does trust you, great. At the same time, I think you can also take a few extra steps to make her feel better. Invite her along (which you do… awesome). But maybe also be a bit more communicative with her than you normally might when you are hanging out with them one-on-one. You know, text her with where you are, or when you’ll be home. Stuff like that.

    I mean, you don’t have to update her all night with everything you’re doing. That would be silly if you had to resort to that. But just a message or two might go a long way to letting her know that you’re still thinking about her. And I think ultimately, that’s what she needs from you.

  3. Matt Sanchelli says:

    [This sort of thing can definitely dictate the future of a relationship because it really comes down to one, perhaps two, thing(s). The first main one is Trust. There’s no getting around that. The second is Friendship. If not handled in a fashion that both parties actually come to an understanding it can result in the deterioration of the relationship, broken friendships, or both.

    I’ve personally dealt with this sort of situation numerous times because I have more female best friends than I do guy best friends. My best guy friends live in other cities. Where I live now, most of the friends I do things with regularly are female. Why is it that way for me? I get along with women better than I do most men. Growing up I just felt more comfortable in the company of females for various reasons that I won’t go into now because they aren’t what’s the topics of discussion here.

    Rachel: You are at a disadvantage because he’s been friends with these women for years. And, if Jason is anything like me, those friendships are simply just that…friendships. Despite what circulates through media, and the Internet, it IS possible for men and women to be friends without wanting to have sex.

    At the risk of coming off blunt, when it comes to how you feel when he hangs out with his “harem”, or one of them one-on-one is yours, and yours alone, to deal with. It really isn’t his fault you feel uncomfortable any more than it would be his fault you felt faint at the sight of blood.

    As Dennis said, it really comes down to whether or not you trust him.

    Now Jason, I’m not going to let you off the hook completely here. You know she feels uncomfortable with this particular topic.

    Honestly, Dennis said it perfectly. Just do little things to make sure that Rachel knows how special she is to you, and that the relationship you have with her is different than the type of relationships you have with your female friends.

    Additionally, when the next time comes you are getting together with a group of your friends to hang out, invite Rachel along and assure her you’ll all try to keep the inside jokes/comments low and try to steer the conversations along a path that all parties can participate. You may even then want to mention this to your friends beforehand. No one wants to feel like an outsider in any sort of social situation so even your friends should understand the desire to keep those sort of group stories, and jokes, to a minimum to help Rachel become assimilated into the group better.

  4. Joyce says:

    [FOR HER:
    I say get over it. Everyone is allowed to have as many friends as they make regardless of gender. If you can’t get over it girl, then relationships are not for you because whoever you date will always have female friends whether you like it or not.

    And, like most people here suggest, trust in your boyfriend is an issue, but the trust issue really stems from insecurity in yourself.

    So, my dear, figure out what it is truly you are insecure about–is it you’re afraid one of the girls will take him from you, is it you don’t trust him to make the right decision and why (did he do something to make you feel this way other than hanging out with female friends?), is it you want out of the relationship and using this as an excuse, or, is it something else? Be honest with yourself as that is the only way you’ll get anywhere.

    if you really want to be with your boyfriend, you need to trust him and make an effort when you do hang out with his friends–be involved in their conversation…if they do an inside joke, ask them about it!!!They will tell you; that way you’ll know what that inside joke is about from that point on.

    FOR HIM:
    Most women like being with men you are manly types yet in touch with their softer side, meaning showing the girl why you like her or telling her every day if possible, whether that be leaving her a note in her purse to have a good day and will be thinking about you, opening the door for her, or telling her she is beautiful, etc. So, definitely do that if you don’t already to make her feel like she is the one you are dating.

  5. Maya says:

    [Rachel, I don’t think your question should be whether it is normal to feel the way you do. Instead, you should ask yourself, why you feel the way you do. This is because each relationship is different, and you cannot take a poll of whether if the majority of those polled is with you on this issue (or vice versa), you are justified (or unjustified) in the way you feel. Relationships don’t work that way. And even if the majority of those polled agreed with you, then what? It wouldn’t solve your dilemma. Conversely, if a majority of those polled did not agree with you, would that make you concerns go away?

    To me, the main issue I’m hearing is you want to trust Jason, but there is a niggling feeling within you that makes you question whether you should. This is evident when you start off by saying Jason has never given you any reason not to trust him, then going on to say essentially that “but the thing that bothers me is…”.

    My advice is simple. You either trust him, or you don’t. There can be no in-between of “I trust him but…” If there is a “but” after that statement, it means you do not trust him. Perhaps there is something you witnessed about their interactions that bothers you. Perhaps there is something about his personality that makes you wonder about whether you are right to trust him. Perhaps its just that niggling feeling which you can’t quite place your finger on, which makes you feel uncomfortable. Only you know which it is.

    But, take it from me, if you don’t trust him , these issues will only get magnified as time goes by. If you trust him, you will have no concerns over him hanging out with the girls.

    Sometimes this also has to do with the nature of your relationship and the way he reacts to your concerns when you voice them. For example, does he brush you off or minimise your concerns? Does he listen to your concerns seriously and try to take concrete steps to reassure you and show you your concerns are unfounded? Often, if a person sincerely tries to take steps to reassure their partner (instead of brushing the concerns off as unfounded) this can go a long way to establishing and building trust. It is also important that if he says he will take XYZ steps to help build trust, he follows through on this. Empty promises are often another reason a person doubts the sincerity and trustworthiness or another person.

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