Here’s the story. I’m 31. When I was 17, I spent a summer abroad on a teen tour, where I met a guy we’ll call Mr. Blue. We connected immediately, and spent the summer having these long, incredible conversations until late into the night. We were teenagers, of course, but even then it felt…different. Deeper. There was nothing overtly sexual, just some mostly-innocent cuddling and a lot of hours talking. But I fell for him hard.
We saw each other twice during college, and then lost touch for 10 years. Life went on. I dated and fell in love with other men. I still thought about Blue from time to time, about the way we connected and how it felt so different talking with him. Every so often, maybe once a year, I’d try to use the power of the internet to locate him, but to no avail. Until this summer, when a Google search finally turned up his LinkedIn profile.
We reconnected, exchanged a few rather amazing emails, and eventually had a 2-hour phone conversation that took me right back to that summer when we met. He said he was glad I had found him, and that he had though about me and that summer over the years too. The conversation flowed so naturally as we got to know each other again and began to chip away at the time that had passed since seeing each other last.
That conversation was about a month ago. Of course, my one-time feelings for him have reignited. He’s living many states away, and has a nontraditional job that makes it very difficult to stay in touch consistently. That said, I have been thinking more and more about throwing out there the idea of meeting up in person. There’s nothing that would conveniently bring me to where he lives, or him to where I live. This would have to be a fully intentional choice.
I guess I’m wondering whether this sounds to unbiased ears like even a remotely good idea. I realize that the idea of reconnecting with someone you haven’t seen in a decade might arouse skepticism. I’m a pretty skeptical type, not terribly prone to romantic daydreams like this. But still, I can’t seem to get him out of my head, and I hate the idea of going another decade wondering. If you’re in favor of meeting up, any good ideas about how/when to bring up the idea? Thanks in advance.
LemonVibe 
[I say, do it. What do you have to lose?
Well, okay, maybe an expensive plane ticket… a week off work… your dignity.
Wait. No. That’s not coming out right.
Sure, you may have to make the effort, but this sounds like something that you may wonder about for the rest of your life if you don’t at least give it a shot right now.
Of course, the important thing to consider is, does he want to see you, too? Based on what little you’ve described of the conversations you’ve had, I can’t say if this is going to be stuff he considers to be old friends catching up, harmless flirting, or something with potential.
The problem I am seeing right from the get-go, however, is that, as you pointed out, it was never anything more than affectionate. You say you fell for him hard, but you don’t say if he ever once, even 14 years ago, showed any sign of reciprocation. And based on my experiences reading these types of letters over the past few years, I’d say that if the letter writer doesn’t mention it, then it probably wasn’t there. Because given how you felt about him, I’m sure if he had said anything about any romantic feelings he had for you 14 years ago, you would’ve broadcasted it loud and clear on this blurb.
But that’s okay. I think it’s important to look at your past objectively. But, we still don’t know about the present, and that’s what matters. So, if you haven’t gotten any overt comments from him that he’s interested, then I think you need to be cautious and try to rein in the feelings a bit for now (no, it won’t be easy, if even possible). Then, start dropping some hints. Say stuff like, “did you ever think about how much time we used to spend together and wonder what might have been if we had… you know?”
See, when you do this, you acknowledge that you’re curious about the potential for romance between the two of you, and you want to see how he feels, but you’re not professing your eternal, undying love for him.
Now, in case you’re thinking of doing that at this point….
NO NO NO NO!!! Don’t do it! Unless there’s some glaring omission in your story, I just don’t see that being a good idea, because I just don’t see him feeling as deeply in love with you as you are with him right now. I’m sorry, it might suck to hear, but I just don’t get that vibe from what you’ve written.
So, to wrap up:
1. Feel him out. See if he might be even remotely interested in pursuing something romantic. Keep your feelings in check.
2. If yes to #1, suggest meeting up and going from there.
Good luck, and please let us know how it goes!
[Oh man. Don’t we ALL have that guy from our past that we can’t quite seem to give up on?
Total fantasy or not, if you never got a chance to pursue anything real, the idea will always be in your head.
So why not go for it now? (I mean, definitely do it casually as Dennis mentioned.)
If you end up scaring him off, what did you lose, really? It’s not like you’ve been friends; you haven’t spoken in years. It’s not like you’ll awkwardly run into him somewhere; he lives states away. And even if you DO end up making a plan to see each other, if it goes badly, it’s still no big deal, for all the same reasons.
The only thing I worry about is YOU. Your feelings.
Because whether you end up seeing each other or never talking again, there’s so much potential for you to be hurt by over-thinking and reading into things he says. I urge you to be realistic in your expectations, and to not read too much into anything he says. You can certainly work on it for a little while, but unless he eventually makes a real effort to set up a date and plan for a visit, you’ll have to be strong enough to just let it go.
[i fully agree with what dennis and erica stated above. i see no reason not to go for with the caveat that you don’t put too much expectation into the outcome. who knows how it will go, and while i fully encourage exploring it, putting too much of yourself into what you want the outcome to look like has the potential to be really disappointing. keep and open heart, and an open mind. good luck!
[I think that you need to first understand what is in the fine print should you reignite this relationship by visiting him. First of all, if you’re as passionate about him as you say, and you’ve already been searching for years to find some way to speak with him, then I think that shows that you would fall hard for this person. With this relationship comes a lot of details in the fine print which you have looked past because you’re head of heels right now and unable to step back and look at this rationally.
1. Should you go out there and physically spend time with him, understand what he is going to expect of you. Most guys believe that when a woman is traveling from afar to visit and both parties are single, that this should have sexuality to it. He will have you in the same bed as him unless you make a remark ahead of time like, “I don’t mind the couch while I’m there. A few nights of imperfect sleep is worth it” might set him straight as to whether or not you’re looking to pick up where you left off 10 years ago.
2. Time changes people. A lot. 10 years is a very substantial amount of time during which a lot may have happened to him. He might have an ex-wife and child that you don’t know about, and you don’t want to be that random woman spending the night, adding confusion to his child’s life as to who you are and if you are a permanent addition to that household.
3. It sounds like your feelings are quite passionate and strong. Are you ready to undertake what a long distance relationship brings you? Nights alone in bed wishing he was by your side. Evenings spent worrying when you read one of his texts the wrong way and can’t figure out what he is trying to say. Remember that texting can be cryptic and confusing. He might be using sarcasm for example and you will take it seriously and get upset. Are you ready to spend the money on an airline ticket every time you want to see him?
4. Your initial phone call which was had is customary. I think you could call anyone who offered advice to you and have a two hour conversation about the last ten years because that is a lot of ground to cover and there is plenty to be told. What happens when “What’s new?” no longer summons a long conversation and you know the day-to-day?
5. You kept an eye on him for 10 years. He had (from what it is described as) no digital footprint at all for quite some time. No Facebook, etc, it took him creating a new profile on LinkedIn for you to ever find him and start a conversation. That being said, for the last 10 years it sounds like your information was readily available had he felt the need to reach out to you. He might not have the same strong feelings as you do. He could have been very busy and just not had time, or be a person that isn’t into Facebook and going on the internet which I know plenty of people that fall in that category, but remember that you are the one taking all the risk.
I feel like if you were to travel and see him, it should be something brought up by him. If he falls in love with you or gets very strong feelings, chances are he will offer to pay for your plane ticket and then offer you lodging with him. I am all for taking action and not sitting back passively, because life will indeed pass you by, but so far he hasn’t offered the information (from what I read) as to whether or not he is ready for a relationship. He may still be recovering from one, in which case you would become the rebound. Don’t take that the wrong way, I’m sure you’re beautiful and intelligent and worth his time, but in his mind he could still be upset about a relationship not going his way and he may accidentally use someone who cares for him a great deal as a means to forget about his old relationship.
What I am trying to say is that there are a lot of things which you need to learn before you invest money, emotions, and time into traveling to see him. 10 years is a lot of history and you need to not just hear about what he did right after you two graduated. I’d say the most important line of discussion now is what as of recent has he been up to. Is he dating? How long has he been single? How serious did his relationships get during the time you were not speaking? Then drop some hints that you’re interested in a relationship and see what his response is. I know that if I had feelings for a woman and she dropped a hint that she would visit me, I would pay for her plane ticket, offer to pay for her accommodations or preferably have her stay with me.
Good luck to you! I think your heart will guide you to the right decision, but don’t ignore any warning signals you get just because it’s more convenient not to address them (like if he says he just broke up with XYZ, or has a kid but it’s “not a big deal”, etc).
[So having a kid should be a waring signal? And suddenly the person is not worth a shot because maybe they have an ex-wife or a kid?? Ummmm…..other than that awful view of people who have a ‘past’ I think your advice was pretty sound but the way you view the ex and/or kid thing really peeved me.
People who’ve been in previous serious relationships aren’t damaged or untouchable and having a kid doesn’t make you undateable.
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