This turned into a fairly long post, skip straight to the end for a short, simple explanation of my dilemma.
I’m a 23yo male and not sure how to classify myself. Since I’ve been told that by being specific, I can help you tailor your advice (if that’s what you feel like responding with) to my needs. I will start in high school and try to include any relevant information.
First, I never masturbated until I was 17. This was not because I thought it was a bad thing, it just never really occurred to me that it was something I ought to try. I was not a social person in high school. I usually found other people boring, and so I didn’t really have a chance to have crushes with everybody else. Eventually, when I was a senior, one of my few close friends asked me to be her boyfriend, and because of some terrible reasons that seemed good at the time, I agreed. I wasn’t really unhappy with the relationship, but I wasn’t very enthusiastic about it either. I had been perfectly content before the transition and didn’t really see the point of spending so much time kissing. Eventually she got fed up and we ended things but remained friends.
In college I started to be much more outgoing, and had more chances to notice that there seemed to be something wrong with me. For the first year, I saw that everybody else in my groups of friends tended to pair off within a few months, and concerned roommates and neighbors would offer to set me up with somebody on a regular basis, or tell me that so and so was into me and I should ask her out. I was annoyed that they thought that was more important than letting me read in peace. Eventually I caved to pressure and said yes to somebody who asked me out. That time, we didn’t have a decade-old connection to prevent it from being a complete disaster, and it was over in about a week. We had little in common and I was only doing it to try to fit in.
From then up to now, I’ve been single and for the most part people have stopped thinking it’s odd. However, I’m about to graduate and move on to a new set of people who will all likely think that I’m strange. I’m hopeful that grad school will be demanding enough that they won’t have time to care, but people always seem to find time to care about other peoples’ business.
Those are the facts/history, but obviously you can’t say a lot about me based on the just the events of two relationships. So now I get to talk about how I feel. I couldn’t have cared less about sex for the first 18ish years of my life. When I first had a girlfriend, I was aware that sex was something that was supposed to be on my mind and I was worried about it. We talked about it on a few occasions, and she said it was fine when I said I didn’t think our relationship had progressed far enough yet and didn’t have any specific criteria in mind for what “far enough” meant. That was when I started seriously wondering if I was gay, since I had rarely heard of the guy being the one who isn’t ready for a sexual relationship. Obviously my second relationship didn’t last long enough for that to ever become an issue, but I still didn’t really have any way of telling whether or not I was gay.
Since then I’ve spent some time trying to figure this out but made little progress. There are men and women whom I find attractive and likable, but I don’t ask any of them out because I don’t really feel like I care about being more than friends, and I don’t want to put them through a relationship with me. I’ve spent some time on aven, since it seemed possible that I could just be asexual, but I wasn’t satisfied with that. I was worried that I might just be using the term asexual as an excuse not to approach people, and that by labelling myself asexual I would be limiting my options.
So now my dilemma is this. Should I just try to find a male and a female and use them as guinea pigs to test whether or not I want a sexual relationship? It seems like it would be unfair to have a relationship for that reason, and I’m not the sort of person who could pull off a one-night stand. So I would have to explain my situation to each person I asked to make sure they knew what was going on. I could continue being happy without any sort of relationship, but then there’s the chance that I’m not as happy as I would be with one.
If you’re trying to skip straight to the dilemma, you’ve gone just a bit too far. Any advice, comments, questions, personal anecdotes, or (funny) jokes at my expense are welcome.