So, I’ve never posted here before. I’m not sure what I’m looking for, but it might help just to type out what I’m feeling, and maybe I’ll get some sense of release, and if anybody has any advice for me I’d certainly be happy to hear it.
I had a bad relationship end about a year ago. It wasn’t even a long one, it lasted about a year, start to finish. We connected deeply on a few levels, some physical, some emotional. Looking back, I think our individual dysfunctions just happened to coincide with each other – to vibrate at the same frequency, so to speak. Whatever the case, it made for an intense relationship, in which there were definitely some good times, but for the most part it was an opera of pain.
So, when it was over I was heartbroken and relieved at the same time. I knew I’d have to go through the mourning process, and deal with my sense of loss. But I also knew it was necessary for it to end. We were killing each other emotionally, and there was no way to save it.
Six months went by, wherein we had no contact at all. I used that time to heal, to the best of my ability. It still hurt when I thought about it, I wasn’t 100% healed. But I made a LOT of progress letting go of the pain, anger, resentment, all the negative feelings associated with the relationship.
Then she happened to be in my town to visit some friends, one of whom was my roommate, and she was about to go on a long trip. Maybe it was a mistake, but I reached out to her. I guess the plan was for us to avoid each other while she was in town, but I got to thinking how sad it was that after all this time we couldn’t just end the hostility and be friendly with one another. And I was happy for her for the adventure she was about to go on, so I inboxed her on Facebook. Two sentences, just saying hi, I hope you have an amazing time, take care of yourself… the most inoffensive, sincere, magnanimous gesture I could possibly have made.
She responded with some really poisonous, angry stuff. And I was stunned. Seriously stunned, and absolutely devastated. She blames me, and only me, for everything. She said I made her ashamed of who she was, that I made her feel like she had to change who she was to please me… I didn’t do any of that. She brought her own shame into the relationship, as I did. We both made mistakes, and she is EXACTLY as responsible for how things turned out as I am.
Maybe I shouldn’t have engaged, but I wrote her back this LOOOOONG email, like ten thousand words, basically saying EVERYTHING that was left in my heart. I apologized again for each individual mistake I made, even though I had made the same apologies dozens of times while we were together (apologies that always fell on deaf ears, as she is apparently not the forgiving type). But then I challenged her to take responsibility herself, and acknowledge the mistakes she made as well. As I said, I had made a lot of progress toward forgiving her in recent months, and I freely extended that forgiveness, even though she didn’t ask for it.
Well, we went back and forth one more time, with me trying to make peace and her injecting her poison directly into my veins. It was like she put me right back to where I started when we broke up. Then she blocked me on Facebook. Weirdly, she unblocked me a few weeks later, but I have no idea what that means. We’re not Facebook friends anymore, but I’m no longer on her blocked list apparently because her name comes up in posts and photos she’s tagged in.
So, that was six months ago. Again, we have had no contact during that time, and the only news I hear about her life is what I get from a mutual friend (I never ask, it just comes up naturally in conversation and I usually end up changing the subject, so I know almost nothing about her life, which is probably as it should be). I should be completely over this by now. But almost every day, my thoughts still run away with me, and I have the same argument again in my head. It just feels so unjust, and unfair. I don’t want her back, not as a girlfriend anyway. I want her forgiveness, and I want her to acknowledge that she hurt me too, and that I hurt EXACTLY as much as she did.
Maybe it’s because I don’t have that much going on right now, and my brain craves stimulation, and that’s the freshest, rawest (is that a word? “Most raw”?) wound it can poke at. Even though they’re bad feelings, they’re feelings, and when I’m bored/lonely maybe my heart just wants to feel something rather than nothing.
It’s all in my head. This is never, ever going to be resolved. She’s NEVER going to own up to her part in this, and I’m not going to get the resolution I crave. But I think some part of me still believes it’s possible. Otherwise, why can’t I let it go? It has been a YEAR!!! The whole relationship only lasted a year! What do I have to do to let this go and leave it in the past once and for all?