Is it easier for men or am I imagining it?

Hello everyone, my first blurb. Really enjoying the site and the advice sounds really genuine.

To make a long story short, I’ve been single for a long time, almost 10 years since my divorce. My ex is on his second long term relationship already, both from an on line dating site. This time, he was even on the same site as me ( my kids told me) and within 2 months, he’s taking the kids to meet her already.

I’ve had a much harder time, varying from few responses, to a few short emails and then they disappear or men that are just interested in hooking. Now I know I am probably not doing the right things, I never dated much when I was younger, but ouch, it hurts to see that my ex barely spent much time on his own. I don’t regret leaving the marriage, I just didn’t want to spend the rest of my life alone and have to watch him have such an easy time. I know, sour grapes but hey, it’s been a bit of a low time.

thoughts?

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7 thoughts on “Is it easier for men or am I imagining it?

  1. justwondering says:

    [Thank you for all your replies. They were both encouraging and kind which seems to be a thread that runs on this site.

    Eventhough it may not seem like it, my ex is not really part of my consciousness anymore. I mean we co-parent but other than that, we don’t communicate at all. Since our divorce, I’ve gone back to school, gotten a new career and made new friends. Over the last couple of years, it felt like almost every part of my life has been great, from friends, to family to job and most of the time, I feel much stronger and more independent than I ever have. It wasn’t until this last year that I started feeling that I would like to date again and felt lonely at times.

    Being an introvert who isn’t much into casual relationships, I know that I have a long road ahead. Sometimes I fall into the trap of comparing and one-upping. Being on this site helps. It helps to see that others are struggling too and occasionally feel down and despondent.

    Thanks again for the kind words.

  2. Kitte Lishuss says:

    [I agree with Dennis about not using your ex’s new relationships as a benchmark. Such comparisons serve no real purpose than, apparently, to make you feel worse about yourself. Human to human pairings is complicated and tricky. Maybe you have higher standards for who you will date? Maybe you just have not met someone suitable yet?

    Try to look for other ways that YOU have “moved on” besides getting into a new relationship. It’s been 6 years since my divorce, and there are all kinds of other mileposts, like going entire days, weeks and months without as much as even remembering that he even exists at all, reintegrating all the foods he didn’t like back into my kitchen, not checking every time his model of car passes me on the road to see if it’s him, not scanning the parking lot at the store for his car before going in, being able to go out and do stuff he didn’t enjoy without even pausing…etc. I bet you can think of lots of ways, big and small that you have moved in in the last 10 years. Those count, so give yourself credit for that.

  3. Dennis Hong says:

    [I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time of this, but it really goes both ways. In every broken relationship, one person is always going to move on more quickly than the other. I mean, that’s just a mathematical certainty, right? Sometimes, it’ll be the man. And sometimes, it’ll be the woman.

    I think the mistake you’re making here is that you’re using your ex as a benchmark. Sure, it’s natural for us all to want to compare, to see if our exes are moving on more easily, to secretly hope that they have a rougher time than we do. And realistically, it’s probably impossible not to compare.

    At the same time, I think it’s important to try not to. No good can come of it, ya know? If your focus becomes “keeping up” with your ex, rather than meeting new people, believe me, that attitude is going to show up with every guy you meet. You’re either going to come off as 1) not over your ex, or 2) trying to one-up him. Neither of those is going to be particularly sexy to any new guys you meet. Our bodies reflect our inner thoughts, so even if you make an effort not to mention anything about an ex, the fact that you’re thinking about how he’s doing will likely manifest itself. And any guy with even the most remote observational skills is probably going to pick up on that.

    The bottom line is that you’re getting out there, and you’re open to meeting someone new. Don’t focus on your ex. Focus on the new men you’re meeting.

    I know it’s all easier said than done, but maybe a little reaffirmation here will help. Good luck!

    • Maya says:

      [I second that. I just broke up and before the corpse of my relationship with the X even had time to become cold, he’s already moved on – not surprising there, since he was having an emotional affair with a colleague even before we broke up.

      You highlighted an important point – if when meeting others you do so to one up your ex, you will come across as desperate, and probably slightly deranged, with the people you meet. I know this, because I made that exact mistake. When I learnt he moved on so quickly with the person he had the affair with, I reacted. I went out and attempted to get myself a guy like there was no tomorrow. Which in hindsight, was terribly unattractive. No wonder I didn’t succeed.

      The focus needs to be one you. Not on him. If possible, try not to keep tabs on him, e.g. remove him from your social media. Any relationship updates concerning him is likely to re-open old wounds.

  4. Heather says:

    [My x-husband left me for a mistress then re-married another woman six months later. I’ve dated many men and haven’t introduced any of them to my kids. I think some people are clingier than others, and I don’t want to re-marry and have another child. I may or may not re-marry, but it’s not on my agenda. Just because your X is pathetic and clingy doesn’t mean you should feel badly about yourself. You’re free! Enjoy being single. People who rebound bring the same nasty habits into the new relationship. My X’s new wife complains about the same things I had issues with. He got mad at both of us for not cleaning the house enough, but we were physically tired from our jobs. We work on our feet, and he sits at a desk. It’s nice to know he’s still an insensitive a-hole! I’m sure your X is re-hashing the same bad habits, too.

    • justwondering says:

      [Thanks Heather. Sorry about your ex’s actions. They were deeply hurtful. I am not one for introducing men I date to my kids either, at least until I am pretty comfortable with him. I also think it’s different for women. We are just a lot more hesitant about introducing new men to their children. It’s a safety thing with me. Perhaps I am too cautious.

      And you are dead on regarding the habits. My ex is even more disturbing now than when he was with me. He just seems so angry all the time, or at least that is the impression that my kids give me from what they comment and say.

      You sound like you are enjoying single, that’s nice to see. I would love to just enjoy going out with men or women :_) but find it hard to find the time and energy between working at a job that often comes home with me and other obligations. I’ll keep trying though, enjoying being single I mean. :_)

      best
      jw

    • Marecya says:

      [“… Just because your X is pathetic and clingy doesn’t mean you should feel badly about yourself. You’re free! Enjoy being single. People who rebound bring the same nasty habits into the new relationship. My X’s new wife complains about the same things I had issues with. He got mad at both of us for not cleaning the house enough, but we were physically tired from our jobs. We work on our feet, and he sits at a desk. It’s nice to know he’s still an insensitive a-hole!”

      I agree with this part, it resonates!

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