how do you lose interest in a few days after pursuing someone for weeks?

if a guy pursued you over four weeks and you were extremely careful to not make any first moves, be very cautious about his interest, and only offered reciprocity to his actions, and he finally makes out with you and there is chemistry – what does it mean when he continues to text you with familiarity or ways to make you smile the weeks after – but doesn’t ask you out again? finally, upon getting together again for a drink he explains that his parents are in bad health and he may not be in town and would like to take things slow. but his actions seem more friendly then romantic? does this mean he lost interest in a matter of a week? how does that happen?

5 thoughts on “how do you lose interest in a few days after pursuing someone for weeks?

  1. New User 280629 says:

    [also, upon the mixed signals, i requested we not keep in touch. to which he insists on at least being friends and seeing where things can go. is he sincere or just giving excuses?

  2. Dennis Hong says:

    [Well, you’re giving so few details here that it’s hard to tell. The line, “let’s be friends and see where things could go,” could be a way of letting you down easy after he realizes he’s not interested. It could also be a way to set up a friends-with-benefits situation if he doesn’t want anything serious, but picks up the vibe that you’re attracted to him. What it generally isn’t is a sign that he’s interested in you.

    As for that (that is, losing interest in a matter of a week)… yes, unfortunately, it happens all the time. People are fickle. Sometimes, they’re just into the thrill of the chase, and once they perceive that you like them, they themselves lose interest. Sometimes, they meet someone else. And sometimes, they’re just self-centered assholes.

    And yes, sometimes they do have extenuating circumstances that get in the way of them dating anyone. I won’t rule that out, but my experience has been that if you get this type of line from someone, 99% of the time, it just means they’re not all that into you.

    Personally, I think the request not to keep in touch seemed kind of drastic, given that all you did was make out. But, that’s beside the point. If you feel okay with just being friends (i.e., if you think you won’t start liking him more and more), I don’t see a problem with it. Just make sure you keep guarded (which it seems like you had been up until the make-out session) and take his words and actions with a grain of salt (see friends-with-benefits possibility above).

    Otherwise, I don’t think you have to reiterate that you don’t want to keep in touch. Just cut him off if you feel that’s what’s best for you. If you stop responding to his texts, trust me, he’ll get the hint sooner or later. Or, if that’s too abrupt for you, fade him out: take longer and longer to respond to his texts, until you gradually just stop responding. Again, this is a guy you made out with once. This isn’t someone you dated for months or years. You don’t need to give him a “break-up talk.”

  3. New User 280629 says:

    [i agree it’s sort of drastic to say, hey lets not keep in touch after one make out, but i’ve been in this position before (three or four times believe it or not), where the interest is ambiguous and it has always ended up that i allow the guy to become my friend and we become really really close friends and i end up hoping it will turn into something which it never has. it’s not a friends with benefits situation, he has not made any advances since the make out, except for kisses on the cheek. my argument is the following: two people are either friends, dating to see if a relationship is possible, in a relationship, or they are nothing. i don’t need to make a friend to see if we can maybe sometime in the future be in a relationship which is what he has suggested. he continues to email/text/call – albeit in a friendly way (no physical expectations). due to our busy travel schedules and family obligations we haven’t made plans (although i would probably make the time).

    i guess what i’m asking for is how do i control my emotions to understand that he really just wants a friend if i want more? how do i stop trying to convince myself that there is a chance? in my experience anyone who says lets take it slow after showing that much interest/momentum is simply not interested. but the fact that he still reaches out is confusing me. does he just want the option to be open ended in case he changes his mind?

    i know he is not dating other people. but i’m not sure why he wants me around. except that he says i make him laugh. i find this to be unfair and i need perspective to help me understand that it will never turn out the way i want if i allow him to keep in touch with me. but if i let it go, there is a chance i will move on.

    i guess i answered my own question. =) but a guy’s perspective would help. why do you keep doors open, it’s selfish!

  4. New User 280629 says:

    [wow you are super wise man. all of this helps. i know what i need to do, but i don’t know how to do it without seeming drastic. but that’s OK. the person was in my life for one month, if i never talk to him again, it will not be a big deal. right now it seems so disappointing and tragic, but in three months, it will just be another guy who came and went. =)

  5. New User 280629 says:

    [as an update, the entire situation was a huge blow to my self esteem. basically, to put things in perspective i’m 37 and tired of the failed dating experiences. for the last three years i stayed away from it because i was tired of disappointments. every now and then i gave it chance but didn’t get too emotionally involved.

    this guy passively insisted on being friends. subsequent to my (likely premature) request to keep it professional only (he is a 30 year old triple harvard grad who runs a software company that is of interest to my institution and so our initial interaction was through common friends but mainly professional). i asked him if his interest in remaining in touch was professional and if it was, that would be fine. he responded with a no, that he enjoyed my company and wanted to see what happens though he could not say with complete certainty we would be romantic, he wasn’t able to jump into a relationship to quickly.

    i already knew i was attracted to him and interested and because of this, i had hope that maybe it would turn into something. MY MISTAKE.

    i did however decide that because my interest seemed stronger than his, i would not initiate any interaction. he however, would reach out every other day. this went on for weeks but we didn’t hang out because of our opposing travel schedules.

    i decided on my return from a travel in may that i would not respond to his ambivalent initiations. but this time he said he broke his leg and flew home to his family get surgery and recover. during his two months away we kept in touch via text. it was not romantic but it was very familiar – sending pictures of his nieces, his xray, talking television shows or sporting events. we also discussed professional issues.

    upon his return we hung out – dinner/movie/drinks. we went out again. he asked to get dinner again . nothing was clearly romantic or clearly friendship. it all remained ambiguous. this was 6 weeks ago. i have not heard from him professionally or personally since he asked me to get dinner but never followed through.

    the common friend who we met through said he saw him with his ex girlfriend. his ex is 40 something and apparently they were very serious. when we first met he said he hadn’t been in relationship in 2 years.

    my issue has become that this entire situation has made me feel like i am delusional. am i delusional? i know this is probably a simple case of a guy who first and foremost had a professional interest, then had a mild interest in me personally, and then decided that neither was worth it. but i don’t understand disappearing. am i crazy to think that after being in touch with someone for the course of 4-5 months, even if ambiguous, deserves and explanation and not just disappearing? are my expectations too high? i am beating myself up with embarrassment and quite frankly, at 37 i feel like a teenager – the truth is i REALLY liked this guy. he seemed sincere. i just don’t understand why and i don’t know how to stop feeling so embarrassed.


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