So here I am back yet again. Some months ago I submitted a blurb about my boyfriend and I, who were under scrutiny from my mom. She told me to break up with him or else. At that time I basically felt like I only had one choice, so I decided to lie to her and tell her I broke up with him. We have been seeing each other in secret for many months now. Well, our relationship has progressed very well since then and even though it may seem quick we have both decided we are ready to move in together. So I decided to stop being a coward and to tell my family about him. None of them are very pleased.
There are several reasons they are unhappy with my relationship but it basically all stems back to one thing alone; his age. He is 10 years older then me. (I am 20, he is 30) They have all expressed that is their biggest and main concern with the relationship. Although none of them have ever met him they have decided to judge him and make assumptions about him. They have said everything from him being a cheating dog, who is lying about his military career and about who his kids are, and why him and his wife divorced; to him being a manipulative and controlling man who only wants to get me pregnant, make me quit school and take care of him so he can sit at home all day and be taken care of. None of these things are true and he has never given me a reason to doubt him or to think of him as controlling.
A little background on him: he has two kids and has been divorced once. He got divorced because he found his ex-wife cheating on him with numerous men after she forced him to quit the military. He has tried a few times to move to the states that his children have lived in to be closer with them. However, finances have always ended up sending him back to the state we currently live in. Now his kids live in Minnesota and as much as he wants to be with them, he can’t financially just up and move to that state. He talks on the phone with his children everyday and keeps up a constant relationship with them. He is a very good father to his kids and has never given me reason to believe otherwise. His ex-wife acts…exactly like he describes and is generally unpleasent. She knows about us being in a relationship, he does not hide me from her at all. He is never secretive about her either and always lets me see texts and lets me know whats going on with his kids. He has a steady job here, and can afford to provide for us both, so money is not an issue for us. He has never once been controlling. He always tells me “Whatever you want to do, its your choice.” He has NEVER held me back from friends or my family. He willingly hangs out with any of my friends and all of them love him. He has a great relationship with his family and talks on the phone with his parents almost everyday. I have met his parents and love them! They are very happy for us and supportive of our relationship as well.
He supports me in getting my degree and has offered to help pay for school if it becomes a burden financially on me, and has also offered that if I wanted to, I could quit my job to focus on school if I wanted to. Currently, I pay for school by myself and receive no help financially from my parents. I do it with loans and savings from working so that is not an issue.
My parents and my brothers are all completely against this relationship. Although I try to tell them the actual facts about him when we have “discussions” they refuse to listen and will retort with things like “well you can’t tell me he isn’t this way, and if you are trying to, you’re lying!” I basically can never get any word in and just respond with “ok” any time they say anything which only makes them madder. As far as meeting him, none of them want to. They threaten that they will beat him up if I ever try to bring him around the house or move out with him, which I find completely ridiculous and childish to threaten on their part. I am trying to handle this in an adult manner and every one of them is acting quite the opposite.
I am pretty unhappy with my current living situation because I feel like I never get anytime to be myself living with them. I am constantly nagged and talked at about how I should be living my life to their expectations and how I should be acting a certain way and dressing a certain way. They are always mad that I’m simply not home enough to be around them. They are all extremely invasive and always want to know exactly what I’m doing or where I am to the point that I feel suffocated. They want to know everything about my school work, or paperwork I have to take care of, homework I have to do. Its everything from work and school to my period and my eating habits. They feel it all must be public information to them. My mom is always telling me things like “You’re exactly like me and when I was your age I always wanted this..*lists xyz*” which I absolutely hate hearing. I feel like they don’t want me to be independent in the way that I want to be.
For me, I know this relationship with my boyfriend will last. I love him with all my heart and I know he does as well. Although my family says very awful things about him, he is still going to stick by me. The issue is not that I am doubting us as a couple. There is honestly, not a doubt in my mind that moving in with him is the right decision. What I am having trouble with is how to progress from here with my parents while still keeping a relationship with them intact. I am almost beginning to think it’s impossible. There’s only so much I can take of them calling me dumb for going out with him, and belittling my relationship and my feelings in the situation and frankly, Ive had enough of it. I told them that my boyfriend was very willing to meet them, and that I was not doing this to intentionally cut off contact with them or abandon them. Yet they believe I am doing exactly that.
My mom specifically has now been telling me that I am making everyone in my family unhappy and that I need to break up with my boyfriend because I need to be considerate of them and their feelings in this. She has also threatened that if I do move out that it will probably cause too much stress for her and my dad and has said they will probably “keel over and die” if I do. She is basically trying to guilt trip me into staying. Yet, not once has she been considerate of my feelings or asked if I was happy with my boyfriend or anything like that. It drives me crazy!
So basically my questions come down to these: How do I proceed with my parents and family? Do I try and force them to meet my boyfriend before I move in with him or just move in and wait till they are ready to meet him? Is there anything I can ever do to make them see that my boyfriend is a good man or just accept the fact that they will never accept him? At this point, I just want to do what I know is best for me and will make me happy in the long run. Is that so wrong?