Trouble in paradise

Hello, everyone. Long time no see.

I’m back mostly because I’m in crisis. First, a little background: My boyfriend and I met several years ago and were friends a long time before we hooked up. He was a virgin that whole time and I was his first. I, however, have done my fair share of stupid things. The good that came out of all those stupid things is that I really know what I like and don’t sexually.

When we first started dating I chalked his awkwardness and shyness up to him being inexperienced. But, here we are two years later and I’m still not getting the passion and confidence I need out of him.

Here’s my problem, I love him with everything I am and the thought of leaving him over something so trivial is insane to me. I have suggested everything from counselling to swinging (in hopes that he could explore and learn more) and every time I do, he just shuts down and gets sad. I’ve assured him that I don’t love him any less and that I am still attracted to him, but I just can’t get him to open up.

I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I can’t spend it wound up and frustrated. Any ideas?

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7 thoughts on “Trouble in paradise

  1. EricaSwagger says:

    [“The thought of leaving him over something so trivial is insane to me.”

    Your sexual chemistry is not trivial. It’s a huge important part of what keeps romantic love alive. Otherwise you’re just friends/roommates who care about each other a lot.

    I’m a firm believer in trying things out. I feel like you have to get to know yourself (alone) sexually before you can truly know what you want and what you like. Your boyfriend never had that. You also have to experience new people and new things before you truly know who you click with. Your boyfriend never had that either.

    They say if you don’t know what you’re missing, then are you really missing it. Well that’s the fundamental difference between you and your boyfriend. He doesn’t know what he’s missing. He doesn’t know anything else but what you two share. You know what you’re missing. And regardless of how much you love him and how strong your relationship is in all other facets, you aren’t being fulfilled. Often, that can lead to resentment or cheating.

    It’s human nature to desire sexual passion and chemistry. If you’re not getting that, it might just mean you’re not meant for each other. If he’s not willing to try, is he really that dedicated to making you happy? If you keep pushing him to try when he clearly doesn’t want to, are you really that dedicated to keeping him content?

    Sex is really important. Before you decide to stay with your boyfriend “no matter what”, ask yourself if you’re going to be okay with things never getting better.

  2. DavidIsGreat says:

    [This might be something you did try, but I wasn’t getting that from what I read. Couldn’t you, you know, teach him?

    If there’s something you like, tell him to do it. See if there’s something he wanted to try and do that. But like, in the moment so there won’t be time to over think it. Go in saying something like “i’ll do anything you want” even if you don’t mean it. It’s still a sexy thing to say. And you probably should be willing to do whatever your SO wants at least once anyway. Guess that depends.

    It seems like the first thing I’d try. But again, maybe you have.

  3. lilredbmw says:

    [OK…let’s get personal. I married my best friend and he was quiet in the bedroom sense of things. When we first met, I was very unsure that things would work out with us because it was awkward in the bedroom. But it turned out we needed to just be very real with each other. I think I grew up with sex being a fun, exciting thing and he grew up with it being a thing done for reproduction and done quietly at that. So, when we got together, we were coming from very different sexual worlds. While you don’t want this to be the end all, be all of your relationship, it is still very important. I truly believe that you can work on this IF everything else in your relationship is awesome and you are both willing to be open.
    You will most likely have to initiate things. That’s what I had to do, at least. You have to get him comfortable talking about things. You need to communicate about this. It might take some time, but it can happen. Keep it positive, and light. Allow him to open up on his own time and be there ready to get it on! The very cool thing about this guy being a “blank slate” is that you can really build this sexual relationship for the both of you, together.

  4. AKchic says:

    [You’ve tried counseling, you’ve tried swinging, so I’m assuming you’ve tried to TEACH him in a one-on-one setting and he shut down that idea too. Sounds to me like dude has a confidence issue that is never going to go away.
    Is he generally awkward/shy in life?

  5. rice_croquette says:

    [I really don’t know much about sex (except that I would consider it quite important in a long term relationship!), but I agree with definitely communicating, especially on the side of being positive and gentle. That can be hard when you’re (understandably) a bit frustrated.. When I was not so great in that department, with my 0 experience, I was grateful for literal step by step instructions of what my partner enjoyed. Because I had no clue. I was hurt at first, but once I saw how much my partner was enjoying it compared to before, I was ecstatic. It sucks that he’s shutting down, and while that is understandable if it’s awkward/shameful for him to hear about such stuff, and I wonder if after two years if he is going to start opening up to some ideas. (Any ideas within his comfort zone.) Maybe the swinging was too out of his comfort zone? Surely some intimate one-on-one lesson time would be reasonable.. Best of luck to you! Please let us know how you’re doing!

  6. MitziM. says:

    [for the record, we haven’t actually gotten as far as seeing someone or seeing other people, yet. I have tried teaching and I am very vocally grateful when he does something right, but it’s not so much that the sex is “bad”, it’s that it lacks passion.

    To get sort of specific: he doesn’t initiate, ever. He doesn’t really let loose and just have fun with it. It’s like he’s still afraid he’ll do something wrong and I’ll reject him. I would imagine time would eventually fix that, but I don’t know how much time it will take.

    After reading all your responses, I sat myself down to consider if I’m really willing to work at this for the long term, even if it’s futile. I figured out that I am. We get along really great and he honestly gets me, even the really crazy bits. His family and I are very close and we all get along. He is a spectacular person and I want to be with him as long as he’ll let me.

    I will keep working at it and keep you guys posted if I figure out a solution! Thanks for your responses. 🙂

  7. MitziM. says:

    [After a bit of consideration, I realized that his lack of initiative and unwillingness to talk to me were effecting our relationship in more ways than I had thought.

    I finally just sat him down and told him in plain black-and-white that if he didn’t try harder to keep me, he was going to lose me. I know it seems like a pretty obvious solution, but it wasn’t so obvious to me right away.

    Anyway, it took him a bit, but he finally opened up and we had an actual conversation. So far, so good and I’m hoping things continue on this positive up swing. Thank you all very much for your help.

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