Hello! This is my first time on here. Nice to meet you all.
Ahh.. I don’t really know who to turn to on this. I need an objective standpoint, because my personal friends don’t have much advice besides “Get over it, and talk more.” (Also, I’m sorry this is so long, please bear with me!)
A little back story. I’m 20, and in university, currently. My boyfriend is 22 and off at grad school, which he just started about a month ago. I’m so very proud of him! We’re 2 1/2 hours apart, which is not truly “long” by others standards, I’m sure, but it’s long enough for gas money/time/etc.
(We just celebrated our one year anniversary this past weekend, which was wonderful. ^_^) I met him here at college at a concert two years ago, and it’s been great. He’s my first “serious” boyfriend, and first a lot of things, and I’m grateful I’ve had such a respectful guy to be my first.
See, towards the end of summer, we decided to try long distance. I knew he was going to grad school, and although I was so very, very nervous, I decided “Hey, I’d rather see him once a month than never” and we agreed to brave the distance. It’s been about a month an a half.
A flurry of terrible thoughts continue to depress me in this first long distance experience. 1) My insecurities get the best of me. His grad department is 90% girls. Intelligent, all about his studies, girls. And I trust my boyfriend, I do, but no one can control or stop attraction. A girl friend of mine in a LDR told me that it’s easy for people to develop crushes on others while far away. I don’t really know what she wanted me to do with that info. It just made me feel even more nervous. I had a dream last night that my boyfriend told me that he liked another girl in his department. And I know dreams don’t predict the future, but this is obviously becoming something that’s bothering me. I DON’T want to be the girl who is jealous, possessive, and constantly relays my fears to him. I can’t and won’t control him, but I can control my actions. But what can I do for myself?
2) I feel, sometimes, especially the times like this, that I’m not cut out for long distance. Being in the same city, literally a 2 minute drive away, for 2 years was wonderful, but this abrupt change is really…hard. I feel like a TERRIBLE person saying that. I think “All these other internet/IRL people have had or are in successful LDRs! Why is it so hard for me?” Am I being a bad girlfriend, perhaps? Is terrible that I thought of taking a break because I can’t deal with the distance? Everything is so fine, but this distance is taking a toll on me.
3)Communication is not my forte. I can feel myself becoming resentful at myself (for not communicating that I want more talking time right now, but don’t want to ask because he’s busy being a grad student) and resentful at him, because I start making a laundry list of “I said I missed him more, I called him more often, etc.” and this is not healthy. I just don’t know what to do!
We both have similar communication styles, which is really quite avoidant. Perhaps I should have a talk about my needs, but ultimately, I feel that’s selfish.
4) Lastly, we have no clear end date. He’ll be in grad school for 2 years. I’ll be graduating in 2 years. And if that was the end of that, I’d be happy to be with him in 2 years. But he wants to pursue an MD/PhD somewhere, and I have to get an internship and Masters. I don’t know where either, but I’ll go where I can get money! So, really, we both might be in very different areas later to pursue our careers. At this moment in time, we both want to pursue careers first and foremost, and hopefully our relationship will follow! But it makes it hard to not have a real end date, which makes it feel like I’m in LD limbo.
I’d love to have more visits too! I feel that would half way solve my problem of insecurities and feelings of distance. But he’s busy with school, I’m busy with school, and we both have separate lives we want to build with friends and hobbies, and I feel like if we visited more than 2 weekends a month, our time would be consumed by each other. (Wait…is that a bad thing? I don’t know. AGH.)
I don’t know what kind of advice I’m asking for here. I’d like someone to tell me that I’m not crazy. Please. Because I feel like I am when I get trapped in my own thoughts. Thank you.