Should I tell my friend she’s being used?

Odd situation. My friend’s been dating a guy off and on for a few years and recently they were living together and he kicked her out of his apartment. They broke up and he’s dating someone else. She’s still having sex with him on the regular because he keeps telling her he loves her, he wants to be with her, all the stuff guys say just to get laid. It’s obvious he’s not going to leave his girlfriend and he’s just using her for sex.

Should I be blunt and tell my friend what’s going on? She’s an adult who can make her own decisions and she enjoys having sex with him, but she’s never going to be able to move on until she realizes what’s going on. I’m kind of stuck morally because I know she’ll just think I’m trying to have sex with her if I tell her to leave the guy for good.

8 thoughts on “Should I tell my friend she’s being used?

  1. EricaSwagger says:

    [You’re right. She is an adult and she can choose to screw up her life, that’s her right. Weak women are so easily manipulated by men. He is in control of her emotions and she’s allowing it. If she doesn’t see a problem with her situation there’s not much you can do to change it.

    But I guess you can try. You can talk to her, as her friend, you can at least ask her what she’s thinking and why she’s okay with how he’s treating her. She might just need to hear it. Maybe. I doubt it but I hope I’m wrong.

    PS. Are you trying sleep with her? It’s okay if you are. Maybe if you treat her like crap instead of like a friend, that’ll get you there. Seems like that’s what she’s into.

  2. Jenny says:

    [I do think you should review what your motives are by telling her. What are you getting out of telling her that this guy is using her? What do you hope that she’ll take away from being told? And what do you want/hope will happen? Also… what will happen to your friendship if you do tell her, and are you prepared for that?

    Answer these questions first and then hopefully you’ll have a better idea of to tell or not to tell.

  3. karlos says:

    [If you’re worried she’ll think you’re trying to get in her pants because, just because you’re trying to do her tell her that you’re worried about her. That’s more telling that your relationship isn’t as close as you thought more than anything.

    Then again, if you’re worried about that, wear high heels when you tell her.

  4. Claudia says:

    [Does she know he’s in a relationship with someone else?

    You have no control over how she takes it. So just tell her your concerns and if she tells you to butt out, then do.

  5. Brandon Sklar says:

    [If all else fails, tell her for your own benefit. If you do not tell her anything and further harm comes to her, you do not want that guilt on your conscience that you could have maybe done something about it. And besides, there should not be any harm from one friend telling another friend their honest opinion. If friends cannot be honest with each other, especially when it is necessary, what else are they for? I think you should only be careful with expressing to her that this is only your opinion and that you are not overreaching your gaze. Tell her all of the undeniable observations that you have made that are irrefutable and give her your sound conclusion.

    And unless you actually do want to have sex with her and she is right on the money, that is pretty conceded of her to jump to that conclusion that you only want to get in her pants from simply trying to help her get out of a harmful situation. If you know that is going to be a problem, then in your mini-intervention explicitly say that your own sexual desires do not have anything to do with this (if they actually do not). If she does not believe you when you say that, then she does not trust you, ergo making any sort of advice you give her entirely useless.

    So, again, if you tell her all of your thoughts on this matter the worst case scenario would be you thinking, “Well… at least I tried and was correct in my speculations.”

  6. lilredbmw says:

    [To tell or not to tell? Good question. It is hard to say what is the right thing to do in this situation. It could very well be that she is just holding on to whatever she can of this guy. And if the guy wants sex, then at least it’s something. Your friend probably knows exactly what is going on and you telling her is kind of stating the obvious. However, she will probably feel defensive, embarrassed and/or hurt if you say something. And assuming she does get defensive, one of her reactions could be to blame shift and put you in the hot seat as just wanting to sleep with her. I guess in this situation I would let her do what she is going to to. I have a pretty strong feeling that nothing anyone says will change what she is doing. She is holding on and she won’t let go because you tell her what she already knows.

  7. resullins says:

    [If your motives are solid, tell her. But do NOT expect her to take it well or not question or disbelieve you. You seem like you’re genuinely concerned, but that doesn’t mean that she’s not still head over heels for this guy, and anything you say is going to go in one ear and out the other.

    Whoever was talking about Darth Vader up there had it totally right. When you fall in love with someone, all reason, logic, and sound judgement goes out the window. Ok… most of the time. And this seems to be what’s happening with her. She’s not going to listen to logic, she’s not going to understand that you’re trying to help her.

    You may have to try appealing to her emotional side, and that’s a LOT harder.

  8. Happy Pants says:

    [You need to talk to her about it, but keep in mind that she may not react well. Also, tell her how you feel about it once, once, and then leave her alone about it. She’s going to do whatever she wants to do anyway, but later on when she realizes what she’s gotten herself into, after she’s done being mad at you for trying to come between this guy and her, she’ll realize you were right and apologize for however she takes the conversation.

    It’s never easy to take advice from someone who “knows how you feel”, so try not to phrase it that way. Just voice your concern for her emotional well-being in a clear, concise way, and leave it at that. You don’t have any control over the situation, but you can express friendly concern.

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