Probably the most complicated relationship on here, aka DAMNNIT I want the title already!

Ok, so I am going to attempt to separate my emotions from the actual facts so people can look at this as objectively as possible, although I am writing this post as more as an outlet than for advice but any comments/advice is appreciated too!

So here goes…

I met the love of my life in college, so we’re talking 4-5 years ago.

After a very torrid, tumultuous, complicated, passionate, consuming 11-month relationship, he ended it because we fought too much.

Yet he claimed to still be in love with me and want to work on things a day at a time…even though he was moving 3,000 some odd miles away. ok.

So my ex and I over those first few months kept in touch, basically still acting like a couple, despite not being in a relationship whatever.

A couple of months into the breakup he not only started a new relationship with someone new, SHE MOVED IN WITH HIM TO HIS NEW HOME IN FLORIDA.

Ok. So this is where the confusion/sadness/happiness/uncertainty starts…

He’s been with this girl for 4 years. She lives with him. She’s his girlfriend. She has that title.

While I feel like I’ve been demoted from girlfriend to “the other woman.” And naturally it’s all a part of the self discovery/screwing up process I went/have been going through, but basically he continued even when he was committed to someone else, to tell me/text me/email me/visit me etc that he loves me, misses me, is saddened by the situation etc.

And did I mention that over the FOUR year period we’ve been apart, we’ve still continued our sexual relationship?

In essence, we’re still not only lovers, but in love. He’s been cheating on her with me.

Fast forward to now: We still see each other sporadically (I’m talking like once a year) We still talk, we still have the insane emotional/physical connection that made me fall in love in the first place…

…but she’s still his girlfriend. And he’s doing NOTHING to change it.

I’ve gotten the speeches, the apologies, the broken promises that he has ended, will end it, plans to end it whatever…but nothing has come to fruition.

This probably isn’t making much sense but basically my mind and heart are at war with one another because the whole situation has severely eroded my trust in him… and yet the problem is after 4 years, despite moving on, detaching whatever, I still can’t shake him.

I know of course, what I should do is move on finally and find my own happiness….and I have. By being alone and rediscovering myself. It was logical and it helped.

But emotions don’t go away. Love like this, like what I feel, simply doesn’t just fade.

It’s still there, strong as ever, just buried underneath all this crap…and he feels it too. I know he does.

Time may have healed it and me helped me forgive, but definitely not forget. I can’t forget the love we shared because WE STILL DO.

I can’t forget the amazing sex we have because WE STILL DO.

The past is the past for me…..but one piece is continuing to be the present. His relationship or “situation” as he calls it, with this other girl…

Now wise, inspirational community of lemon-vibers, do tell or speculate:

Why would a guy stick around after FOUR years hanging onto an ex that he claims to love, wants to marry, be the mother of his children etc AND STILL BE/LIVE WITH ANOTHER GIRL!?

And no, it’s not because of our incredible sexual connection because we have gone without seeing each other for years and picking back up right where we left off…

It just doesn’t make sense to me at all…hence the title of this post.

I was once the girlfriend and damnnit, I deserve to be the girlfriend again, but what in the fuck is taking him so long to make it happen?

Discussion open!

Thanks for listening!

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14 thoughts on “Probably the most complicated relationship on here, aka DAMNNIT I want the title already!

  1. New User 706713 says:

    [And for the record I am no “easy lay.” I live in a completely different country than he does and yet after 4 years he maintains a strong emotional relationship with me.

    I highly doubt a guy will go to those lengths for an easy lay. The love of his life? Yes. Casual sex? No.

    And he’s not living a life with another woman. He simply lives with her whereas his and my relationship has continue to get stronger…I was simply asking for advice on what’s taking so long/how can I speed this up kinda thing and be seen as the girlfriend again, not if he loves me or not.

    Like I’ve said, I’ve seen more talk than action, so I just wanted a second opinion but your frankly biased comments have totally cured me of that desire.

  2. Solstice says:

    [Not the same situation, but similar: A guy I worked with cheated on his long distance girlfriend with me. He broke things off with her and we started dating. After not even 2 months, he said he still loved her. Meanwhile, he didn’t get back with her, and he and I still continued to hook up. I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t be with me, since he obviously cared about me, said that he loved me, and liked spending time with me. I thought he would change his mind eventually. He never did. I loved him, and he broke my heart.

    The point of the story is that if a guy isn’t with you, it’s for a reason. If he’s gone this long without ending things with his girlfriend and choosing you, then he probably isn’t going to change his mind now. I know how horrible you must feel, and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it. But not having him at all is better than having only half of him.

  3. AKchic says:

    [Some people can have multiple loves. Of course, some people just have a physical attraction that they’re willing to lie and say is love in order to continue getting a somewhat “easy” lay.

    If the dude truly loved you he’d come clean to his girlfriend. I think he gets some benefits from her that he’s not willing to give up (i.e., 2nd income, home, familiarity, laundry, food, etc) but still wants more (i.e., sex) from you.

    I doubt he’s polyamorous. I think he’s just a dick looking to get his dick wet. He likes playing the field and probably has another chick on the hook somewhere else as well.

    The question shouldn’t be “does he love me”, but “do I love myself enough to know I deserve better?”. You DO deserve someone who isn’t going to two-time you, lie to you, and generally be a douche.

  4. DavidIsGreat says:

    [As politely as I can put this; what the hell is wrong with you?

    You aren’t with him, he’s chosen somebody else, but still strings you along. Why are you still having ANY relationship with him, much less sexual? He tells you he wants to marry you but is living the life with another woman.

    He is using you. You are allowing it.

    I don’t know you but I can guarantee that you deserve much better than that. Treat yourself with some self respect. Somebody has to respect you, he sure doesn’t.

    Sorry this sounded mean, but you shouldn’t allow yourself to be treated so bad.

  5. Dennis Hong says:

    [Why would he want to change anything? He’s got the stability of a loving girlfriend, plus the hot sex from an ex. Sounds like everything a guy could ask for.

    If this isn’t everything you could ask for, then you probably need to be the one to change things up.

  6. Jenny says:

    [Dear Anon, you asked why he is taking so long to ditch this other girl for you… the problem is the only person who can answer that is him. I’m sure you’ve asked him and he’s given you a variety of answers, but reading between the lines: he doesn’t want to. (That’s just the way I see it.) Yes, as others have stated he’s had 4 years where he “could” have changed his situation IF he want/s/ed to, and he still has not.

    You also asked why he would stick around so long – I can’t really speculate, but most people see something that they know they can have without strings… well they are going to go for it (human nature).
    You’re right love like that doesn’t just fade, however love makes us do some strange stuff. I clung to hope during my separation that my ex would change his mind. What made me finally see sense and probably hit my bottom was that he put his girlfriend (the girl he cheated on ME with) first and I was still and always was going to be 2nd. That hurt yanno? I wanted to be first, and I figured that if he wasn’t going to make me a priority, I was going to find someone who would.

    If you were my friend, I’d ask you what you are getting out of this relationship emotionally that makes it worth staying in. I’d tell you that I just want you to be happy, and I hope that he makes you happy. I’d also tell you is that I don’t know what he is thinking or what motivates him (and please don’t upset yourself trying to figure it out). Take what he says and his actions at face value because that’s all you really have to go on.
    And finally I’d say that I’d support you no matter what you decide. Just be happy.

  7. Shelly says:

    [I am sorry that you are in this situation. It is obvious from your blurb that you are very in love with him. But, if he wanted to leave his girlfriend for you, he would. That isn’t to say he doesn’t love you – I have no way to know if he does or doesn’t. But, he doesn’t love you _enough_ to leave her for you. 

     I find the fact that he’s kept you so close when you have been single and physically available to be very selfish of him. You’ve spent four years of your single life waiting for him. During that time, you could have met someone else and fallen in love. 

    You need to cut him out of your life. The only way for you to move on is to have zero contact with him. Don’t hold on to the hope that he will break up with his girlfriend and come after you – he could have done that four years ago, but he didn’t. 

    Again, I’m very sorry. I know this isn’t what you were hoping to hear, but you know something is wrong with his broken promises…it’s because he’s deceiving you. 

  8. Jasmine says:

    [I have totally been there- not to the extreme you are at, but I understand the conflict between the head and the heart. I have fallen back in bed with an ex, thinking I was totally upfront about my intentions, only to have to break up with him all over again. He continued to call for two years until I moved and didn’t share with him my number. Now he is happily married and I have to think that part of it was that he couldn’t get over me while I was still somewhat in his life.
    I have also had a lover who I connected with on such an amazing level- one of those break ups where there is nothing wrong with the relationship except the fact that it isn’t going anywhere. That took me 5 years to get over. I had very little contact with him, but he was the 8 x 10 I held all others up to. You don’t need a guy to string you along to still feel emotionally strung along by your past, your memories, etc.
    You know how you go on vacation and have the worst time? But then years later you are telling people what a great time you had? You always forget the bad stuff. Actually, it comes in quite handy once you are married- but it also makes it really hard to move on.
    You don’t want to hear it- but you have to move on. This is not going to end with a happily ever after- at least not with this guy.
    In my experience, the guy you experience emotional turmoil with is not the one who ends up being “the one.” But if you focus on what you really want in a relationship- take the good about this guy and dump all the bad, and find that in someone more deserving, you are way ahead of the game. Sucky thing is, it’s gonna take a while. If you backslide, it’s gonna take even longer.

  9. Bonita says:

    [Actions speak ten times louder than words. While he is saying he loves you he is concurrently living with a girl for FOUR YEARS! You were together for 11 months. He has been with her 4 times longer than you were with him. Do you honestly believe he isn’t also telling her that she’s the “love of his life?”

    Though it isn’t what you want to hear, it is absolutely the truth. He does not love you the way you think he does. If he wanted to move on from the current girlfriend for you, he would. He simply doesn’t want to. I know this might sound like we are all hurtful, judgmental meanies to your situation, but, honey! This guy is NEVER going to ditch the girl for you. You are not the love of his life. You are a piece of easy ass on the side. You deserve better, and I hope something here will crack your frankly delusional facade.

    Best of luck.

  10. New User 706713 says:

    [I am not delusional. I know he loves me and I love him. But I also know that you guys are right; I know in my heart I am not getting what I want.

    I’m not looking for anyone to blow smoke up my ass; I am very much in touch with the reality of the situation.

    I realize that’s what I need to do: cut him out of my life completely. It’s just every time I have done that; he’s sucked me back in.

    But hey, I’m only human and I’m working on it.

    Again, not delusional; not hoping for placation; just maybe people who have gone through the same and know how emotionally torn up it can feel.

    That’s all. Thanks for the advice.

  11. theattack says:

    [If you want an encouraging story: I used to be this guy. I was devastatingly in love with my ex who lived several hours away from me. I dated somebody else and even moved in with him. I kind of hated the guy I was dating. My ex and I talked online every single day while the guy I was actually dating played video games and ignored me. I was in a horrible relationship that I wasn’t committed to, but it was easy. I got good deals on cheap weed, I had a place to live, and I didn’t know very many people in that city so being with him was just easier than breaking up with him. When my ex and I happened to be within a couple of hours of each other, we would meet up, and I would cheat. He confessed that he still loved me, and I said I loved him too and I would leave the guy. It took me a year to do it while I climbed out of the depression that kept my self-esteem so low. Honestly, I think what kept me from doing it was that I knew what I had with the ex was the real thing. Once I broke things off and started up with him anew, my days of carefree dating would be over, because I thought he and I were meant for each other. I broke things off eventually, the ex and I started dating again, and now we’re getting married in a few months. It’s a happy ending.

    This doesn’t mean it’s what’s happening with you. My story is kind of freakish, and it doesn’t happen to very many people. My advice to you is to give him a cut off. Tell him that if he hasn’t ended it in two months, you’re gone. He might actually want to, but he’s procrastinating for whatever reason. Give him a chance and make him think about what you’re actually worth. You’ll get your decision. But anyway, I hope things work out for you and that you end up happy either completely with him or completely without him. Good luck!

  12. Rachyl says:

    [Try this advice. It has slowly been helping me move on with my life past him.

    “There’s no way to avoid feeling the discomfort of talking away a drug your whole being has depended on to define you. You do, however, have some control over how long you drag it out. When you feel that gut-churning agony where you want to go back for another hit of what your body is saying you can’t live without, remind yourself that if you don’t , you’re get to happiness a whole lot quicker.

    The bottom line is that you’ don’t have to go through the rest of your life complaining- you can change if you want to. Whatever you find yourself continually complaining about holds the wiring diagram for your joy. Either use it to make the changes you need to, or admit you don’t want to and shut up about it. It’s the only way to get what you really want, which is to be happy.”

    Paula Renaye

  13. lilredbmw says:

    [I understand. I truly do. I fell in love and kept a torch lit for a guy forever away, both physically and emotionally. He was in Alaska dating someone else and I was in California, just waiting. I knew he loved me and my conviction was strong. I dated others, but they could never compare. No one could ever be him. But as time passed and he had moved on with his life I figured I should move on with mine. So I did. Or I thought I did. I got engaged to someone who would do anything for me. And then this guy called. And I dropped everything, knowing we were meant to be together. And I was so happy that he had finally realized that it was ME he was going to be with. Finally! But then it somehow all started looking the way it should have all along. Totally backwards. So wrong. And I realized that I needed to love myself enough to let him go. And I did. It was so hard, but it needed to happen. And I hope you don’t hate me for saying it, but you need to let him go. He might love you, but not in the way you deserve to be loved. He loves you, part time. Would you be willing to live with that? You are special to him, but not so special that he is willing to give you 100%. Life is too short to risk it all for someone who isn’t all in. I know what you two had was special, but trust me…let it go. You might think nothing will ever compare, but you won’t know until you let this person go and open yourself up to someone who will be everything to JUST you and treat you the way you should be treated.

  14. Cassie B. says:

    [I hate to tell you this, but things will not change with this guy. You are the other woman on the side. His real feelings, as much as you don’t want to know the truth, are towards his girlfriend (who is not you). He says sweet things, but he is only lying and telling you what you want to hear and what will keep you hooked so he can continue to have sex with you. Probably, you are his back up plan in case things don’t work out with the person he really wants to be with (his girlfriend). This guy’s behavior is pretty much a textbook case.

    You need to face this: he does not care about you enough to be with you or to make you his girlfriend. If he truly loved you and cared about you, he would be with you and not this other woman, who is even living with him.

    Now you have to decide what to do. You can either continue to ignore the truth about the situation, hoping things will change (they won’t), and continue to get hurt and waste your time on someone who doesn’t truly care about you… OR, you can break things off with him completely, ignore all his attempts at reconciliation and the “promises” (or, lies) he tells you, and move on to find someone who does truly care for you and wants to be with YOU. It will hurt horribly at first, but time does lessen the pain. And in the end, it is much better to spend a year or so in pain and much more wonderful to find a partner that you love and who truly loves you than to waste your time in a situation that will only keep hurting you, possibly for years to come.

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