How can you quickly move thru the grieving period in a break up?

Our friend came home from work about two weeks ago to her boyfriend of the last five years packing her stuff telling her to get out. The short version is that he’s been unhappy for a year or so. He isn’t much of a talker and part of the reason this was a blind side was because he isn’t straightforward with his feelings. The point is, talking is past.

She’s mostly moved out and back into her parent’s place. They’re away on a cruise so she’s alone. She also has two weeks off of work so she doesn’t really have to be anywhere. So she stays home mostly.

Yesterday was her birthday and she wouldn’t leave the house to do anything. My wife brought her cake and wine and the gifts we got her, but she just wanted to stay home and grieve.

I know there is a grieving period, but how can we quickly move thru the depression stage and straight to anger? I know her, once she’s angry the rest will be fine.

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5 thoughts on “How can you quickly move thru the grieving period in a break up?

  1. EricaSwagger says:

    [I mean, everyone needs to grieve. You can’t just blow past it if you’re not ready to; people need to wallow.

    The “depression” stage lasts until the newly single person can see him/herself as a single person instead of a person who has just been dumped. You have to be able to see through it. See that after the sadness is gone, there’s life on the other side. It happens faster the more self assured you are. The more confident you are on your own, the faster you realize that if someone doesn’t want to be with you (out of the blue, long build up, unfaithfulness, whatever the reason), then you don’t want to be with them either.

    There’s no time limit. You get over it as fast as you find yourself again.

  2. Jasmine says:

    [Hmmm… Sounds to me like you are over the moping and ready for her to be over it. You can try getting her angry- pointing out all of the awful things that he is/was/has done. Problem is, unless she’s ready to let go of her past with this guy, she may not be ready to get angry with you.
    Anyone who packs up my stuff and tells me to move out without talking to me first would not get much grieving from me, but you may be dealing with someone who is questioning her judgement, not just suffering a loss.
    Good luck!

  3. karlos says:

    [Two weeks doesn’t seem that long to be still a little shook up over a relationship.

    Then again, you say you bought cake and she didn’t respond? Because damn, that’s some serious depression right there. Everyone loves cake, everyone.

    If she’s still upset, or doesn’t want to leave the house. There’s nothing saying she can’t have a house party or have people over. Make her eat that cake, cake is good, it fixes everything.

  4. Matt Sanchelli says:

    [Erica and Jasmine (and maybe karlos…?) made great points and I’m trying to see if there is anywhere I can build from.

    There isn’t a a set time frame for the stages of dealing with/getting over a break up. Taking into consideration that she was with this guy for 5 years, and that he blind-sided her with the break-up; hate to say it but she may be grieving for a while. This could be extended depending on what all he actually said during the break-up and any conversations that have happened since.

    It does largely depend on where she is with herself; best said by Erica, “It happens faster the more self assured you are.”

    This blurb came up at an oddly appropriate time as I’m dealing with a break-up right now. Roughly 2 weeks ago the girl greeted me at the house with, “There’s something I need to tell you.” We all know nothing good typically follows this. She then proceeded to end the relationship.

    However, my situation is completely different than you friend on various levels: the break-up was done very kindly and calmly (lots of talking), I had actually seen signs that she was going to end things and had been preparing myself for a couple of weeks, and I myself had been having some lingering doubts about the future of our relationship the final month, or two.

    With everything mentioned above I virtually flew through grieving and anger and began embracing that I was not someone who was just “dumped” but someone who is single and has choices again that only apply to me.

    I wish I had some actual advice to give you that would provide some insight as to things you could do, or say, to help you friend get through this fast. Sadly, I don’t think such a thing exists. She is going to have to go through it at her own pace.

    The best thing I can say is just continue being there for her as friends. Feel free to try and cheer her up. You can try pointing out all of the things wrong with the guy and telling her reasons why she is better off without him; but if she’s not ready to hear it (or doesn’t respond to that approach well) then you need to roll back on that for a while.

    Time is going to be her best friend in this. But subtly try and make her see the benefits of being single again and that life will most definitely move on.

    It still hurts when you heart is “broken” whether you were ready for it or not. It’s a change because you are trying to rid yourself of feelings that you believed in for such a long period of time.

    I hope all the best for your friend and hope she finds the closure she needs (sooner than later) and becomes more accepting of the arms of friendship you and your wife are extending.

  5. Solstice says:

    [You can’t rush her, unfortunately. And a couple of weeks really isn’t long at all after dating someone for 5 years. If she still refuses to go out after a month, then you should try getting her angry as Jasmine said – mentioning things he’s done, and hopefully she’ll realize what an asshole he was.

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