I have been on eHarmony for a couple of years now on and off. Have met some women but nothing lasting. Three months ago I finally got matched with someone that seemed to be a good fit. The only problem was that she lived about 100 miles away.
On the phone we had great chemistry. The first conversation we had we spent an hour just talking. After two months of talking on the phone almost every day with strong chemistry, and after both of us sending multiple photos back and forth, we decided to meet. I had vacation time saved up, so I took a few days off from work and drove up to visit her.
The entire time I was driving up, I was pretty excited. I mean, the way she described herself was pretty much just like in her photos. I had no reason to doubt her. I never asked her her weight, since that would be pretty tactless, but looking back, maybe I should have. The moment I saw her, I IMMEDIATELY knew this was not the person for me. She was a good bit heftier than her photos made her out to be, but that wasn’t the only thing. She just looked TOTALLY DIFFERENT.
The ironic part was, before we met, I was so worried she wouldn’t like the way I look. I had sent honest photos of myself and over the phone, even mentioned jokingly that I hoped she would be happy with the way I looked. She laughed it off and never even said anything about how she would look to me! It just blows my mind thinking about it now.
So yeah, I met her, and I was way disappointed, but I played it off. I mean, I didn’t want to hurt her. The thing is, she had already told all her friends and family about me and built me up. I was even staying with her grandparents. I just couldn’t in good faith crush her in front of all her people like that.
And I did try to give her a chance, since I was already going to be up there for four days. We hung out, I met her friends, had dinner with her parents (man, that was some serious torture), but deep down I just couldn’t force it. The entire time I felt so shallow because we had gotten along so well over the phone, but when I met her, I just wasn’t attracted to her. AT ALL. After two days of faking it, I couldn’t do it anymore, so I pulled the “I don’t feel the chemistry” card and came back home. Man, that was a LONG drive back.
So was I being shallow? I mean, this was someone I’ve never had more chemistry with. But it turns out it was only over the phone. What was I supposed to do when we finally met and I realized she didn’t look anything like her photos? Or what if she HAD sent me honest photos? Should I have been willing to overlook that?
LemonVibe 
[You aren’t being shallow. It’s disappointing when you have an image of someone in your head (from the photos) and then it doesn’t match up when you finally meet them. You can’t help not being attracted to someone.
[Are you being shallow?
Maybe.
More importantly though, you are being honest. Even if she had looked like her photo, you may not have felt that “zing” in person.
Better luck next time- just don’t turn this experience into fodder for the next girl! No one likes dealing with mistrust when they didn’t personally earn it!
[You’re not being shallow by being disappointed by her appearance in comparison to her photos. When you’re on an online dating site, you should post accurate photos of yourself. Obviously we want to look our best, but my rule is nothing more than two layers of makeup away from reality gets posted on there.
My “problem” with this is that you are on eHarmony, which is a more “serious” dating site, or at least for people who want to be in long-term relationships. In long-term relationships, most people are going to get less attractive (or at least gain weight, get wrinkly, etc.), hence the stereotype of “settling” for a less attractive person when you’re looking to settle down for the long haul. So yeah, I think you’re maybe being a little shallow, in that you were so excited to see this person, and you had such great chemistry, and then you’re going to throw it away because she’s a little “heftier” than you thought she was. I mean, how much heftier are we talking? Ten pounds? Twenty? Fifty? There’s a difference in the level of deception between those weights.
But hey, you like what you like, and you shouldn’t feel bad about it. At least you weren’t cruel.
[Wow, I’m surprised at the level of support you’re getting on this.
Personally, yes, I think you were being a bit shallow. I will not fault you for not being attracted to her right off, but this is not a “girl in a bar” situation. If you passed up a girls phone number at a bar because she wasn’t physically your type, that would be totally acceptable. And I agree that physical/sexual attraction has to be part of a lasting relationship.
The fact that you insta-forgot all her good qualities and immediately decided to hate her friends and family without knowing them just because she wasn’t as pretty as you expected is really awful. If you weren’t trying to play the nice guy, would you have just turned around and high-tailed it out of there as soon as you saw her?
Ultimately, it’s a sticky situation because she’s so far away. I think the ideal would be that you give it a few weeks on a slow track and see if the chemistry prevails. Obviously, this just isn’t possible on long-distance. Anyway, this situation is over. I guess I’m just saying yes, you got yourself into a shitty situation and you didn’t have any really decent way to handle it. That doesn’t mean you weren’t being shallow.
I’d say in the future, ask for a few candid photos. “Do you have any pictures with your family or friends?” Usually those are terrible, so you’ll be pleasantly surprised when you actually meet her!
(Sorry about the novels, guys, it’s been awhile and I just have so much to say about so much)
[Honestly, I do not think you’re being shallow. Great chemistry is great via e-mail, over the phone, etc.; but you also have to have chemistry when it comes to physical attraction. Think about some of your closest friends (of the opposite sex). Technically you have good “chemistry” with them but you just may not find them particularly attractive; at least in your own terms of someone you are romantically interested in.
This woman (whom you were building a relationship with) has a responsibility to be honest with you and portray herself as she is…(not how she was). That’s the rub when it comes to online dating, we truly don’t know if someone is who they actually claim to be. Whether it be a guy posing to be a girl (or visa versa) or someone projecting the image that they are the same person they were 20 years ago (only possible if you’re a vampire).
Switch things around in this situation. Say she was completely honest with the photos she sent you, but you sent her photoshop images of yourself and when the two of you finally met it was YOU who looked nothing like the image you were “selling”. Would you be able to deny her the right to be a bit upset?
I think you handled things well. If she gets in touch with you later, I would almost recommend at least trying to figure out a way to tell her (again tactfully) that she may want to consider being more honest about the pictures to posts/exchanges. I know for me personally, if someone was “heftier” in real life than their photos, that wouldn’t bother me as much as the fact that they weren’t upfront and honest with who they really were. Hiding how she truly looked makes me think that she’s not completely happy with herself. If that’s the case, I’m a believer that you can’t make others happy until you can make yourself happy (within reason).
[Okay, how different are we talking about in these photos here? Could they have been from a few years ago when she was a little less “hefty”? Or did she really just find someone else’s photos and upload them onto her profile. That’s a little weird.
You have every right to be put off. That’s misrepresentation and if she really did put up other people’s photos, what was she thinking?
[Yeah if she wasn’t being honest with you about the way she looked it’s not really your fault if you suddenly stop feeling attracted to her. We can’t help what we find attractive in a person, although I’m curious about the whole, “she looked completely different” comment.
Are you saying that she sent you pictures of somebody, you turned up and she was a different person? Shit, that’s how like half the victims in Saw wake start their day isn’t it?
[I generally agree with the consensus here. The deciding factor for shallowness would be what exactly changed your mind. If you are turned off by the deceit, you are not being shallow. If she is deceiving you about your weight, what else might she be hiding? However, if you are turned off by her “heftiness,” that is pretty shallow, but it is also an entirely acceptable reason to not pursue a relationship with a person.
I do want to point out that this excursion will hopefully have other lessons for you. Perhaps in the future you will want to hold off on booking a room in Chateau de Grandparents until you have actually met the potential significant other first. Those are some pretty big steps you threw into the first meeting weekend.
[Not being attracted to someone physically doesn’t make you shallow. And, she wasn’t honest in those two months of communications you had – I think that’s as good of a reason as any to be disappointed and break off a budding relationship.
[You shouldn’t ever apologize for not being attracted to someone initially. Yes, inner beauty and character are more important, but you HAVE to be physically attracted to your partner for a relationship to work.
[I agree with everyone else. You aren’t being shallow. Shallow to me is only dating size 0’s without caring to get to know what is under the surface. People throw that term around too much and tends to freak out anyone who finds them selves simply not attracted to someone. Attraction just isn’t something you decide, I think there is always some wiggle room with it, but not incredible leaps.
The bigger point though is that she misled you. 30lbs of non-muscle is a big difference and nothing that you should worry about. You got to know her, liked her but didn’t want to see her naked. You deserve to be with someone that you want sexy times with and she deserves someone that wants to tear her clothes off (after she starts posting honest pictures).
You learned some valuable lessons here:
1. Everyone puts their best pictures on dating sites. Some lie, some don’t. Always be mindful of that when picturing someone before you meet.
2. Meet as quickly as possible before either gets emotionally attached. Even with honest pictures you never know if your chemicals are going to start bouncing around when she enters a room.
3. Always meet first in a casual setting. And in public. Something you can get out of much easier. Coffee, drinks or maybe a dinner.
4. If you are looking for a long-term relationship, it might have felt sweet that she told everyone about you and wanted you to meet her family. To me, that’s a huge blinking red flag of run away as fast as you can. Relationships take time to grow. Between only the two people involved. In my experience, anyone who rushes the part of building a foundation has had some serious issues pop up later down the road.
[Shallow? Not really. Disappointed? Of course. She didn’t mention her weight, and physicality is a part of attraction. You were intellectually attracted to her, and she wasn’t honest with you about her size or appearance. She was deceptive. It creates an issue. How? Well, if she’s willing to be deceptive on such a superficial level (her appearance), then how far is she willing to go in deception? Would she lie about money issues? Feelings? The concept of children? Whether or not she’s on birth control, or worse, whether she is “clean”?
When someone is deceptive like that, it does create a barrier and makes you rethink all of your conversations with said person. If they were saying what they thought you’d like, or were being honest. She talked you up to her friends/family, she got her grandparents to let you stay with them. What exactly did she say? These are questions going on in MY mind and I didn’t even have the quasi-relationship.
If she “talked you up” to her friends/family, she was being deceptive to them. She sounds desperate and manipulative.
End result: You got away from a potentially bad situation.
[I agree with most of the comments. You aren’t being shallow. You are just being real. You can’t help what you feel, or rather, what you don’t feel. I think I would have been pretty upset with the person for being dishonest. I know everyone wants to put their “best face forward.” But when it isn’t even a real representation of yourself…that’s just deceptive. I wouldn’t lose any sleep at night over this. You aren’t a bad person for not being attracted to someone.