Hello everyone! New here, but it seems like a very useful and intelligent place. I’ve had these thoughts running through my head, but as you see from the title, I can’t really turn to my family and friends for some sane advice. It might seem rather silly to you all.
I’m in my first serious relationship with an awesome guy. He’s smart, gets my off humor, sweet, etc. He’s a couple years older than me, (we’re both in college) and I’ve introduced him to my friends and family. Now. This is where it gets odd for me. They all say, “Oh, he seems really nice and smart! He’s funny too!” But then, they say, “But you could do much better as far as looks go.”
Whuh.
I was baffled. I didn’t know what to say but, “Well, I think he’s cute.” I mean, he’s no Brad Pitt, he’s tall, skinny, and nerdy, but I think he is the most adorable guy on the planet. His style isn’t suave, but I’ve bought him a couple shirts, and he’s sort of progressing to investing in his clothes now that he’s going to grad school in a few months. But, I really don’t care about his dress, since he doesn’t dress like a slob or Richard Simmons. And, (if this is important) I mean, I’m quite sexually attracted. I find that his personality really adds to his attractiveness for me.
But when my family and friends say that, it really hurts. They’ve told me a few times, that “You could do SOOO much better with better looking guy.” Like it’s the biggest thing that matters! And now I don’t really bring him around them as much because I know what they’re thinking. And Lord forbid I hope they never say anything. I haven’t told him what the said, of course, I wouldn’t want to hurt his feelings.
One thing, a non-friend said, was “A ugly boyfriend/girlfriend means unconfidence.” This bothered me. I mean, I know I have a pretty low self esteem, but I’m working on it! I know I’m a pretty girl in my own right.
So my question is, what exactly do I do in this situation? I don’t want to drop my friends and family, of course, but what do I say to them? Isn’t beauty in the eyes of the beholder? Has anyone ever told you that your boyfriend/girlfriend wasn’t that cute or attractive and did that sway your opinion of dating them? I like my boyfriend. I just wish people saw how attractive and cute he was like I do.
LemonVibe 
[Youch Anon. Yes, I’m giving you a name that makes you into post-apocalyptic child warrior in my head… but hey, that’s what you get.
This is where the tough love comes in. I would tell them straight to their face that it’s really none of their business what he looks like. The next time someone says something like that, put on your big-girl panties and tell them that if the alternative is dating a dickish Channing Tatum with an IQ of a potato, then your boyfriend is the most attractive man in the world. And then call them shallow and ask them how their relationships are going.
Or, my favorite opion, start nit-picking their SO’s. Point out your friend’s husband’s halitosis, or your sister’s boyfriends wall-eyes. Seriously… we just went through this in another post. Out-awkward them. If they want to act like 6th graders, play their game right along with them.
Or I guess you could take the high road and wait for them to come around… but I just don’t have that much faith in people.
[Put them in their places. It might make you uncomfortable for them to say these things, and you’ll always know their opinions. You can’t undo that unfortunately, but you can let them know that not only do you disagree with them, but you also don’t give a shit about what they think. Next time they say he’s unattractive, tell them that rudeness is much more unattractive than anything physical. Seriously, you can’t let them go. This isn’t a difference of opinion; they are horribly disrespecting you, your man, and your relationship, and you need to stand up for him!
[Human ignorance continues to baffle me. In what universe is it appropriate to comment on someone else’s partner like this? I don’t think there’s anything to express but hurt when someone, especially a family member, says bluntly that they find your boyfriend unattractive. Why the hell should they care? If he’s nice and makes you feel happy, shouldn’t they be happy?
[Ignore what they say. If you care about him and find him attractive, then it doesn’t matter if other people do. It probably hurts to hear, but that’s why THEY’RE the ones being jerks in this situation. All that matters is if you are attracted to him, which you are. They don’t have to be in the relationship with him.
To bring up a pop culture reference, in Sex and the City, Charlotte was embarrassed when she started dating Harry because of his looks. But guess what? Looks ended up not mattering. They had great sex, a great relationship, and she learned that it didn’t matter what he looked like, because he was the right guy for her.
[That is so upsetting! I have had the same comment from people about my husband. Not that he is unattractive, but that he “doesn’t look like my type.” I am athletic and outgoing, and he is tall and slender, shy and somewhat nerdy. But, you know what? He takes care of my heart. He makes me laugh. He would give up his entire world to make me happy. And THAT is what matters. He is MY type. It sounds like your friends and family are being pretty critical and judgmental and that just isn’t right. Lay it down. Tell them, “This is my boyfriend and he makes me happy. He might not be your idea of hotness, but he’s mine.” And who are they to judge? If you showed up with Brad Pitt and he was an idiot, would they call him out on that? Or are they just totally wrapped up with looks? I’m sure, in their own way, they are just trying to say that they want the perfect person for you. But, you define what is perfect for you. So, speak up, and let them know it’s not cool to judge his looks.
[Ugh, I’m sorry you’re being put in this kind of situation. When something like this happens, I think it’s easy to be idealistic and say, “Well, the only thing that matters is how you see him.” But, let’s face it, humans are social animals. And as social animals, we look to each other for affirmation. So, yes, it does matter–to an extent–what our friends and family think of our significant other, especially if these are people whose opinions matter to us.
Along those lines, I think the first thing you should do is separate out the people whose opinions matter from those who don’t. The “non-friend” you mentioned? Ignore them. Or turn the table on them and say something like, “Sure, and do you know what else shows a lack of confidence? Judging people.”
As for the people whose opinions do matter…. I feel you here, because my mom used to be like this, always nitpicking on the superficial qualities that my girlfriends had or didn’t have. And for me, what it took was me sitting her down and saying to her, “Look, I like so-and-so. I see a side of her that you never get to see. So, while I appreciate that you’re looking out for me, please understand that she and I are good together. And that’s what counts.”
Hopefully, that will help them understand that they’re only focusing on the trivial qualities because that’s all they get to see. You get to see a deeper side of your boyfriend, and that’s what counts.
At the same time, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with helping your boyfriend be a little more “suave,” as you say. Yes, in a perfect idealistic world, we should all be happy with who we are, and we shouldn’t have to change in such superficial ways. But again, if we want to live in the real world, we have to accept that appearances do matter, because people are superficial.
So yeah, if he’s open to it, why not flip through some fashion magazines with him and help him find his own style? I think that may actually help him build some self-confidence. Just make sure that he knows you support him no matter what, and that you’re not trying to change him and make him a different person. You just want him to look his best, because in real life, appearances do matter.
[Let me tell you a story, anonymous blurb writer.
I started dating my boyfriend a few years ago, and when I tell my mother, she says, “Oh, …what do you like about him?” So I say, “Well, he’s sweet, funny, one of my best friends, we share common interests, etc, etc.”
“No, no,” she says, “What do you like about him *physically?*” So I say, “Well, he’s in great shape. He works out and is really fit.”
“No, no!” she says, “What do you like about HIS FACE?”
So I’m there on the phone kind of dumbfounded because she just implied that my boyfriend has an ugly face and well, I just kind of responded by being incredibly cheesy and over the top about his cheekbones and eyebrows. There wasn’t anything I could do to convince her that he was amazing. I just let her realize that on her own. (After all, not everyone is as bright as I.) After a while, she told me, “You know, I take back what I said. He’s a great guy.” She also strangely said he smelled good, but oh well, that’s the truth.
Now my case is different than yours because it was only my family (in particular my mother but I got other comments as well) instead of my family and my friends. But I think if you are attracted to him, you think he’s a great guy–well, there’s a reason for that. So don’t pay them any mind.
The only fallout was that I raged to a friend about it (because same reason as you haven’t told him) and now they’ll occasionally interject “But what about his face?!” in phone conversations.
[Here’s the punchline: It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. You like what you like, and you should never apologize for it. Unless what you like is kicking puppies and stealing candy from babies, in which case you should try to buy your soul back from the devil.
To the people whose opinions don’t matter at all (acquaintances, not close friends): ignore them. If they get obnoxious, say something about how awesome he is in bed, or just flat out tell them to shut their traps.
To the people whose opinions do matter (family, close friends): some people will say that this group shouldn’t be telling you they think you can do better, but I think these are the people you count on to tell you your ass looks fat in those pants, so take their opinions as something they’re expressing because they think it’s in your best interest. But you know what? It’s not in your best interest. It’s what they think is best for you, who they think you should be with. And that doesn’t matter, because they’re not in the relationship with him, you are.
So, again, to them I say: if you can’t take it anymore, tell them it bothers you that they make disparaging remarks about him, and that you think he’s the most adorable guy on the planet. Chances are, if the relationship lasts, they’ll start seeing why.
[Well they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But they also say beauty is only skin deep, them again they also say real beauty comes from within. Can you see a pattern here? No one knows what beauty or attractiveness is. It’s completely subjective.
Either that or to see someone’s real beauty you have to flay off their skin and not look too hard.
[The strongest words you can say is “i don’t care.”
It’s hard to take crap from others but you have all the control, it’s your relationship.
There’s no sense worrying about the ones that will come around, because they will and you probably know who.
And the ones that won’t, do their opinions in the matter really affect your choice? Don’t take shit from then, but if you’re doing what makes you feel happy then ultimately you might not care THAT much. Inside.
[I agree with Dennis and Mara – if YOU like him that is the most important part. I would just keep reiterating to the people that matter that you really like him and are attracted to him and that he treats you well. Those are the important things. Also, it doesn’t really sound like you have low-self esteem to me – and whoever told you that dating someone “unattractive” is a sign of low self-esteem sounds pretty superficial, if you ask me. Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder – and that doesn’t mean everyone gets a free pass to have bad hygiene, or dress like they are homeless, or just otherwise not take care of themselves, but it doesn’t sound like your boyfriend has any of those issues.
But, people who care about you just want the best for you. Given what you’ve said already, it should take much to convince them that your BF IS the best thing for you :).
[“A ugly boyfriend/girlfriend means unconfidence.”
I’d be tempted to reply with, “Oh yeah? So tell me, what does bitchy superficiality mean?”
The most important thing is that YOU find him attractive. You seem to think your boyfriend is awesome, and he sounds like a catch. People are always going to find something to pick apart. Their behavior is just downright mean and offensive. I agree with everyone else who says to put them in their places. You may not have to be super mean, but ESPECIALLY if your family says something about it I’d retort with, “So did I completely misunderstand you guys when you told me not to judge a person’s self worth based on their appearance? Or is it not enough that I think he’s the complete package?”
Of course, you could always make things incredibly awkward too. Next time they mention something mean like that, with a straight face just say, “Yeah, I know. But he has a massive cock.”
[While you can’t control how other people see him you can confidently announce that you do find him attractive.
And if you’re feeling snarky you can add that one thing you find unattractive is ugly comments from judgmental people and then turn on your heel and walk away.