When is sex NOT sex to you?

It has been about 15 years since President Clinton left his legacy of “oral sex is not sex” AND “it depends what your definition of ‘is’ is”. By those standards, the question “What is sex to you?” has at least 2 grossly undefined terms. A recent episode of “Californication” got me to thinking about this again.
So, if you are in a committed relationship with someone and they come home from work particularly giddy and you learn that they got a wee bit of the felatio or the c-lingus from an old acquaintance, how do you handle that? Do you snuggle up to them and say, “That’s okay honey… as long as you didn’t have sex with them. I love you so much for staying faithful to me!”, or do you have a frank discussion while staring down the sights of a .45 caliber? Just wondering in which direction we’ve been evolving.

12 thoughts on “When is sex NOT sex to you?

  1. theattack says:

    [This blurb is really about two different issues: What is “sex,” and what is cheating? I don’t consider a handjob sex, but I’d sure as hell be pissed if I found out my bf got one from someone else.

    As far as what “sex” is, I just don’t find it necessary to define this. It’s rarely important to anyone except people trying to prove that they’re virgins even though they’ve had anal sex 40-50 times. Sexual activities occur on a spectrum, and I don’t feel the need to identify what qualifies as SEX and what is just some other thing. The things between 0 and intercourse don’t have to count as all or nothing.

  2. Matt Sanchelli says:

    [As to the situation proposed to us, any type of intimate physical contact (with an emotional directive and/or lust, etc) I don’t necessarily consider sex but is definitely cheating; in my book. If someone I was dating ended up kissing someone else, with the exception of being in a play, things would probably be over between us. It doesn’t matter is it was a one-time “accident” or just a lust thing, or if there were a small (or big) emotional connection there somewhere…if you are committed to me, and me to you, then any physical intimacy often shared only between two people, is shared with someone else, they have pretty much ended our relationship.

    I have zero tolerance for cheating. If you feel you need to cheat, then you shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone to begin with.

  3. karlos says:

    [Yeah I’m a little confused to what it is you’re actually asking.

    I think the attack said it so well I literally can add no more. So instead I’ll post advice my mum once gave when I asked what cheating was.

    She said imagine you’re cooking a meal for a vegetarian, if you’re putting meat anywhere it’s not supposed to be, you’re cheating son.

  4. Happy Pants says:

    [Everything Parker said. Any time it’s intimate contact, it’s cheating.

    As for sex, I don’t see it as biological so much as intimate. I consider certain sex acts to be more intimate than others, and while they all fall under the umbrella of “sex”, I would be more hurt if I caught my SO doing one thing as opposed to another. Does that make sense?

  5. Dave Jag says:

    [This thread is about sex, not cheating. Two VERY different things. Let’s agree (i hope) that having sex with someone besides your committed partner is always cheating (with the exception of rape and I sure hope we don’t need a dedicated thread on that!) However, if you don’t define a handjob as sex, then you can also argue that you did not cheat. This is why it is important to define words, lest we lose our means to communicate.
    Regarding intimacy, it seems to me that sex does not technically have to be intimate since that has more to do with where your heart is at while your genitalia are enjoying the ride. When you combine sex and intimacy together, you get something called “love making” which, face it, is the crem della crem double-whammy oingo-boingo of sexual satisfaction. BUT… you may never get there if you and your partner can’t decide on what a ‘sex act’ is! 🙂

  6. resullins says:

    [I prefer a Remington 7mm rifle, I’m surgical with that bitch… but that’s beside the point.

    Sexual contact of any type is cheating. Whether it be kissing, oral, dry humping like randy teenagers… whatevs. There may be a slight moral slope, but it’s not a straight drop off.

  7. Bonita says:

    [If we are to drop the cheating angle, sex in my eyes only encompasses what I would refer to as “getting laid” when later conferring the story to my friends. That basically limits it to intercourse. Anything else is just “fooling around.”

  8. Dave Jag says:

    [Time for the big reveal. Here it is… the true definition of a sex act from the highly paid researchers at the Merriam Webster company:

    1 : coitus

    2: an act performed with another for sexual gratification

    So, Intercourse?: Definitely Sex
    Oral sex?: Definitely sex unless you’re double-jointed and doing it to yourself. (Besides the fact that it wouldn’t be called “oral sex” if it wasn’t sex!)
    Handjob?: Still sex… unless it’s your own hand OR you’re getting CPR from a blind paramedic.
    Deep Kissing?: Hmmm. Here there is room for interpretation which would rely on our interpretation of “sexual gratification”. Can’t imagine we wanna go there. Gotta admit though… that would have to be some pretty darn erotic kissing!

    So, congratulations! Some of you are having a lot more sex than you thought…. so just smile and be happy about it 🙂

  9. lilredbmw says:

    [Isn’t it called “oral sex” because it is a form of sex?? So put it in your mouth, your butt, your vag…it’s sex. And to me, if you stuck your penis in an orifice(that wasn’t mine), you are cheating. When people start getting technical about oral versus vaginal, I think they are just making excuses because they messed up(clearing throat, Bill Clinton).

  10. Metacognition says:

    [Very touchy topic, but what it comes down to is each individual’s interpretation of what “sex” means. As BonitaBandita86 stated very clearly, the type of stuff that we’d typically consider “fooling around” when not in a relationship suddenly becomes 10 times worse within one. THAT alone should give us all pause for thought, in my opinion. It’s an entirely different question, so I won’t bring it up here, but the distance between the two should be noted.
    All that said, it will still come down to the relationship. If you get oral, is it cheating? Is it wrong to even look at other members of the opposite sex? I’ve know people who who would go to either extreme and that’s what is deemed acceptable between themselves. If you’re in a relationship with someone, you need to learn their boundaries and adjust, as they SHOULD be doing for yours. Sooner or later you’ll come to a compromise that you both can live with.

  11. ladiejoy says:

    [I believe that lesbians consider what they do to be sex, even if there is no penetration. How is that any different from the scenario in the original post?

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