My girlfriend whom I live with and was prepared to propose to, cheated on me and left me. She’s older than me but decided she needed independence. She has crippling anxiety that she doesn’t know how to manage. I have done nothing but help her. I have done my best to be the best supportive partner that I can and I feel that I am a kick ass girlfriend. I feel like she’s leaving because she doesn’t understand what she’s feeling. She doesn’t understand what’s going through her own head. Having a background in psychology I know that mental illness comes out in your 20s, she just turned 24 and I think it’s finally coming out and she has no coping skills. I was diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses at 7 years old, due to a traumatic event in my life and have had a lot of years to learn to cope. Now at the tender age of 21, I am stronger and smarter than most people my age and I think she just needs coping skills and can’t deal with what she’s feeling. She is too lazy and in denial to seek professional help, and I know if I tell her about coping skills, they won’t help, so I’m left with losing my partner, my best friend, and my home.
I feel so lost and I feel so alone in a world where technology has taken the place of relationships and I don’t know that I like it at all. I feel helpless and this is my own life. I feel lost in a sea of drowning sadness and I feel like I have lost the person whom I held dearest to me. The person I thought understood me the best and that I could share all of my vulnerabilities with. I can’t stand my life anymore. We pushed each other to be our best selves and now I want nothing more than to disappear. I understood her entire soul and know the person standing in front of me that is moving out this weekend I don’t even know.
I don’t even know the woman who stands before me yelling at me for pain I didn’t cause her. Pain she caused herself. I am so lost because the person who kept me so grounded and reminded me how loved I am, no longer loves me at all. She holds so much resentment towards me and I couldn’t tell you why. She just decided that she didn’t think our love was worth working for anymore and I would have worked for it until the day I died.
It makes me think about why we are even here. People say you cannot truly feel happiness until you have truly felt pain but I have had so much pain in my life and as soon as I feel true happiness it gets ripped away from me. Maybe I’m too empathetic. Maybe I’m just stupid. Either way I’m hurting and I get in the shower and visualize blood. I see my own death everyday. I imagine walking among my father and my best friend and all the people that have crossed my path that have committed suicide and I imagine feeling the peace they must feel when nothing matters anymore. It makes me sad that it would definitely hurt people if I left but they always tell you to care about yourself and if I feel that I would be finally at peace then why shouldn’t I do this?