“I can’t cope with losing her”

My girlfriend whom I live with and was prepared to propose to, cheated on me and left me. She’s older than me but decided she needed independence. She has crippling anxiety that she doesn’t know how to manage. I have done nothing but help her. I have done my best to be the best supportive partner that I can and I feel that I am a kick ass girlfriend. I feel like she’s leaving because she doesn’t understand what she’s feeling. She doesn’t understand what’s going through her own head. Having a background in psychology I know that mental illness comes out in your 20s, she just turned 24 and I think it’s finally coming out and she has no coping skills. I was diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses at 7 years old, due to a traumatic event in my life and have had a lot of years to learn to cope. Now at the tender age of 21, I am stronger and smarter than most people my age and I think she just needs coping skills and can’t deal with what she’s feeling. She is too lazy and in denial to seek professional help, and I know if I tell her about coping skills, they won’t help,  so I’m left with losing my partner, my best friend, and my home.

I feel so lost and I feel so alone in a world where technology has taken the place of relationships and I don’t know that I like it at all. I feel helpless and this is my own life. I feel lost in a sea of drowning sadness and I feel like I have lost the person whom I held dearest to me. The person I thought understood me the best and that I could share all of my vulnerabilities with. I can’t stand my life anymore. We pushed each other to be our best selves and now I want nothing more than to disappear. I understood her entire soul and know the person standing in front of me that is moving out this weekend I don’t even know.

I don’t even know the woman who stands before me yelling at me for pain I didn’t cause her. Pain she caused herself. I am so lost because the person who kept me so grounded and reminded me how loved I am, no longer loves me at all. She holds so much resentment towards me and I couldn’t tell you why. She just decided that she didn’t think our love was worth working for anymore and I would have worked for it until the day I died.

It makes me think about why we are even here. People say you cannot truly feel happiness until you have truly felt pain but I have had so much pain in my life and as soon as I feel true happiness it gets ripped away from me. Maybe I’m too empathetic. Maybe I’m just stupid. Either way I’m hurting and I get in the shower and visualize blood. I see my own death everyday. I imagine walking among my father and my best friend and all the people that have crossed my path that have committed suicide and I imagine feeling the peace they must feel when nothing matters anymore. It makes me sad that it would definitely hurt people if I left but they always tell you to care about yourself and if I feel that I would be finally at peace then why shouldn’t I do this?

 

3 thoughts on ““I can’t cope with losing her”

  1. yeahbutwhatif says:

    Why? What is the gain to you or the people who love you for you to do so? As someone who has been plagued by similar feelings (currently on medication from the last time) I know there isn’t anything I can say to change it. All I can say is take care of the one person you truly can, yourself. You can’t change anything that your partner does, you can only change yourself and your own actions. Work on building yourself up into a strong person. You can’t be in a relationship or be a supportive person when you’re not whole in yourself and maybe once you are you might find that the situation you face yourself in now might be changed for the better as a result.

  2. M. Kindness says:

    Young love ending can be devastating. We feel a level of connection to someone like we’ve never known and can’t fathom it ending. How can someone look into our souls one day and be so callous the next? When we have limited experience with these emotions, how can we know what to do when it ends? The reality we have relied on is no longer the truth and hours pass by every day as we try to put our finger on the moment things changed…

    Now, manage all those feelings while managing your mental illness. Difficult is an understatement, but I’ve done it…. more than once…. and I lived (sometimes by a thread) to tell about it. You can and will too if you acknowledge that you may need more help than what your current toolbox of coping skills may contain.

    Right now, use the knowledge and coping skills you do have to take action in protecting your health. If you have mental health professionals get in touch with one of them. Tell them the TRUTH of how you are coping and ask for their help developing a plan of action to improve the situation, Only you know if you need help keeping safe. Be honest with yourself and do what is necessary, If you can stay elsewhere for now, do it. If you are worried about your t.v. getting stolen- well, your sanity trumps major appliances.

    Reread your words in the last paragraph. Now, take action to care for YOURSELF in the same manner you would if those words were written by your ex.

    Re-posting: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

    And take it from me, it gets better, then worse and then even better, then amazing, and then so-so…..

    -M. Kindness

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