“The only reason I’m still at college is volleyball”

I’m a Junior in college, I really messed up my second semester freshman year, and failed three classes. I pretty much learned my lesson and haven’t had anything below a 3.3 GPA after the fact, and even got a 3.73 my last semester. Which, by the way, is incredibly good for me because I never tried very hard in school. I’m not dumb or stupid, I’m just very lazy when it comes to school work. However, I’ve worked really hard the last couple semesters but this semester is really getting to me even though it’s not very difficult. I’m the opposite of a motivated person when it comes to schoolwork. I’ll work my job and work my ass off but when it comes to school work, my mind just refuses to let me focus.I’ve found myself procrastinating to the last second (which is kinda normal) and then sometimes even for big assignments, I’ll just blow it off and tell myself I’ll do the next one and be fine. I know  in my head though that it’s not fine, and there’s going to be consequences, but it’s almost like I don’t really care, even though I want to. I hope that makes sense?

I had to drop one of my 4 credit classes because I didn’t do half the work (this is an online class). I’ve done online classes that were more difficult and done all the work. Something just seems off and it’s throwing my mind out of whack. Perhaps I’m just growing tired of my school and I feel like I have to stay here because I’ve already been here so long…

I also play volleyball for the team at my school and have been the starting middle hitter since my freshman year. The team is not even great, but I feel like it’s one of the only things that keeps me at this school. I feel like if I didn’t have volleyball, I wouldn’t even be going to school at this point. I really just want to get college over with, but the longer I stay, the deeper the hole I dig for myself. I’m almost positive at this point that I’ll have to stay at least an extra semester (including taking a couple summer classes).

If I don’t finish school though, I’ll not only disappoint other people but I’ll hold it over my own head forever. I’ve heard so many of the common things people say in response to me not wanting to be in school anymore. But still I reach out anonymously online, hoping someone has some magic sentence or word that can free me from my goddamned mindset. Any words to maybe help clear my head a bit?

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3 thoughts on ““The only reason I’m still at college is volleyball”

  1. Anonymous says:

    Hey, I am going something very similar in regards to the procrastination, wanting to be better but still continuing with bad habits, etc. It might be that you are having some anxiety, and that is why you procrastinate – to avoid what gives you anxiety. That is what is happening with me. I have not found a perfect solution to this. All I can recommend is to get a counselor – usually universities have free counselling available. In my opinion and in the opinions of those wiser than I, everyone should go to a therapist at least once in their life. You can describe your problem to them and see if they can help. Don’t give up trying.
    As some backstory I have been dealing with some depression and anxiety for a long time. I always thought it wasn’t so bad and that I was just lazy or making it out to be worse than it was, but over time I came to realize that I was unhappy, it could be symptoms of a larger problem, and it was time to get help. I am also in uni and it can be very stressful. Talking to someone will help. I wish you the best of luck.

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