“He says we’re married, but we’re not”

I have been in my relationship for almost 5 years. We have 2 daughters, 2 and 3. We have been engaged for almost 3 years. He cancelled the venue & plans for the wedding about 4 months after he proposed. Said that we needed to work on our relationship before we made it legal, he has been married once before, so he is reserved.

Now, he says we are already married, that when we consummated, we were married. He has very different points of view. We have never taken vows or are legally married, but he insists that we are. He is constantly sharing his ideas with me, points of view on a variety of subjects but when I don’t agree, he says I am wrong and says I should think as he thinks.

On the surface, we are great together, we joke & laugh regularly & I love the family we have together. But any time we speak about important subjects like core values and beliefs, we disagree every time. And he says I am wrong, that it’s all me. That I need to take a look at myself and make some changes. But he isn’t willing to see my point of view, I’m just wrong. I asked if he would be willing to go to counseling with me, he refused.

I feel exhausted all the time. I am filled with anxiety at every moment, and I always have this knot in my stomach. He said to me a couple weeks ago, “it’s your job to make my dick hard, not my life”. That was a slap in the face & I haven’t been the same since, but he saw NO WRONG in it, said I perceived it wrong. I don’t know what to think anymore. I just wanted to share. I’m so lost.



3 thoughts on ““He says we’re married, but we’re not”

  1. Leo says:

    I know you are engaged to him and I know you love him and want to wait for him because he is the father of your children but he sounds like an ass, and you don’t deserve that. I would never say that to my wife. No man should. Don’t take it from him. Leave. He needs to show a willingness to change, if not (you said he dismisses counseling) then go. He needs to want to fix himself. My wife would slap me so hard if I ever said that and I would deserve it. I’m telling you now, if you don’t leave and stay with him he will not change. He thinks that you are his forever, you need to make him realize that you are not especially not until you are married. Tell him next time he gets stupid. He needs to agree to counseling or show a willingness to change or you are out. But please don’t subject yourself to his verbal abuse and assume it’s normal. He is an ass. But he can change if he is willing.

  2. Anonymous says:

    ^ seconded. You’ve shacked up with a donkey and expect him to turn into a horse. He’s a donkey, he’ll always be a donkey and you deserve someone who treats you better even after you have that ring on your finger, the written document and the ceremony in the church.

  3. Birdy says:

    Also seconded! (Thirded?)

    You can expect minor changes in a relationship, and minor ‘fixes’ of bad behaviour. But you can’t polish a turd into a diamond. You can laugh and joke with other people too, and you can love your kids regardless of who the fourth group member is. Sounds like you love company (who doesn’t?) But not per se in this man’s form.
    A relationahip cannot exist without some differences to challenge and help complete one another. But at least over half the core values should match to live harmoniously. You can have different views on politics, or on how to raise the kids. But not on how your relationship should look like.

    Get out, save yourself the pain.

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