To begin with… I am severely traumatized by cheating and lying exes and in general a pretty insecure person. I know it’s not an excuse but it might explain where this is coming from. I am always so scared of losing him.
I did a mad mistake. A while ago I checked my boyfriend’s computer and found out he was having chats with webcam girls. One can be argued whether this is considered cheating or not but for me webcam sex is. I couldn’t stop after my discovery and checked everything from Facebook to browser history. We talked, he stopped it and I apologized for breaking his trust and swore to him and myself never to do it again. I really believed I would never do this again.
Now, an ex-girlfriend, who is still a good friend of his and I, awoke my suspicion again and I checked his phone. I found a group between him, her and another friend with very inappropriate sexual but joking content and pictures (we don’t share the same limits/humor when it comes to this.) Plus a few other texts, which I of course understood completely wrong. So I confronted him again and asked him to cut ties. He explained everything but still agreed to what I asked him for even though I know I was not okay.
It will now cause him to loose more friends and me to look like the psycho I am to the rest of them. And I can’t change this anymore. And I lost his trust forever. I love him so much and so does he, which is why he always did everything I asked for and never lied. I know that I damaged this relationship irreparably and that the issue lies with me. I don’t even know why I did it again – I just couldn’t control myself. He went to work and I am so scared of losing him and so full of regret for what I did – but I also felt this and told him this last time, so I know he doesn’t believe it anymore and it doesn’t help.
I am not looking for understanding or forgiveness, I am looking for any kind of help (therapy? advice?) to control my emotions and jealousy and minimize the damage I did to this relationship. I am well aware that the fear of losing him probably resulted in exactly this or at least damaged our relationship forever and I really see my future in this man with whom I am so happy besides this issue of mine.
I really appreciate your advice.