“I’m worried I have damaged our relationship”

To begin with… I am severely traumatized by cheating and lying exes and in general a pretty insecure person. I know it’s not an excuse but it might explain where this is coming from. I am always so scared of losing him.

I did a mad mistake. A while ago I checked my boyfriend’s computer and found out he was having chats with webcam girls. One can be argued whether this is considered cheating or not but for me webcam sex is. I couldn’t stop after my discovery and checked everything from Facebook to browser history. We talked, he stopped it and I apologized for breaking his trust and swore to him and myself never to do it again. I really believed I would never do this again.

Now, an ex-girlfriend, who is still a good friend of his and I,  awoke my suspicion again and I checked his phone. I found a group between him, her and another friend with very inappropriate sexual but joking content and pictures (we don’t share the same limits/humor when it comes to this.) Plus a few other texts, which I of course understood completely wrong. So I confronted him again and asked him to cut ties. He explained everything but still agreed to what I asked him for even though I know I was not okay.

It will now cause him to loose more friends and me to look like the psycho I am to the rest of them. And I can’t change this anymore. And I lost his trust forever. I love him so much and so does he, which is why he always did everything I asked for and never lied. I know that I damaged this relationship irreparably and that the issue lies with me.  I don’t even know why I did it again – I just couldn’t control myself. He went to work and I am so scared of losing him and so full of regret for what I did – but I also felt this and told him this last time, so I know he doesn’t believe it anymore and it doesn’t help.

I am not looking for understanding or forgiveness, I am looking for any kind of help (therapy? advice?) to control my emotions and jealousy and minimize the damage I did to this relationship. I am well aware that the fear of losing him probably resulted in exactly this or at least damaged our relationship forever and I really see my future in this man with whom I am so happy besides this issue of mine.

I really appreciate your advice.
Thank you

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2 thoughts on ““I’m worried I have damaged our relationship”

  1. Anonymous says:

    You don’t trust him, because he cheated on you. You both need to go to counseling, because you are still working through the first part and he needs to be there to help you through. Also let him have his friends back. Making him cut ties with the ex/friends will back fire big time.

    I saw this happen time and again when I played world of warcraft for 10+ years. The girl friend may not have felt all the attention she was due and started crawling around in his accounts or watching him play video games, etc. She would forbid him to talk to his female friends, make him cut off video games, and so on. He would and then in a month or so be back, mad when he had done everything she wanted and she started cutting him off from his friends until he realized everyone was gone and she still wasn’t happy.

    Lets flip this situtation for a second: you are friends and honest to god JUST friends with a ex. You were joking around with crude jokes, because you are friends and that’s your type of humor, but suddenly your boyfriend gets in your Facebook and goes through all your messages. He then DEMANDS you cut off all communication from your friend who has done nothing except send you a funny joke. Do you see how this has just become a abusive relationship? Here’s a check list for abusive relationships and you have definitely crossed the line.

    http://www.csuchico.edu/safeplace/intimate-partner-violence/abusive-relationship-checklist.shtml

    Yes, he was wrong first because he was cheating on you. That’s why you BOTH need to go.

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