I have been with my boyfriend/father of my child for 4 years. He takes care of our child while I work. While at home he does apply to jobs. It’s just for the past 2 years since he lost his job that he’s never been able to get back on his feet.
In arguments he blames me for the situation we are in, never taking accountability for his lack of actions and lazy attitude. He lost his job pretty much the same time I found out I was pregnant, so I did know it was going to be hard, but I stood by him, did what I could to try to keep him motivated, and let him know I’m here for him and I know it’s hard. I never tried to kick him when he’s down.
When he lost job, his dad paid his car note, so I definitively don’t think it’s fair that he blames me, saying I’m the reason his life is where it is, that I have done nothing but bring him down, when he’s the one not really putting in the effort. I pay all the bills, food, basic necessities needed for life. When the tax income came in, he expected money. But he doesn’t financially provide anything, except watching his child, because he doesn’t work.
I would have given him money, but he got mad at me one day because he thought I had taken his phone, which I didn’t and never would. He destroyed my house — holes in the wall, tore down my closet, destroyed my shoes, broke my tablet. When I came home and saw this, he confronted me and was yelling in my face and put his around my neck. Yes he squeezed. It was uncomfortable. This was the first time he had ever been physical and screaming in my face like that with our child in my hands.
Somehow we got past that. 6 months later, we were arguing. I was calm — maybe too calm for him — and he grabbed me. I tried to fight him. I scratched, because I told him to get off me. He was hurting me and it was like falling on deaf ears. I fought because the last time he put his hand around my neck, I was kinda stunned and shocked. because I never thought anything like that would happen.
Scratches were left on his body. but I didn’t care because he should have kept his hands to himself. He is 6 ft 250, I’m 5 ft 110 on a rainy day. Somehow we got past it.
Fast forward to now, we had been having a nice day, and we were watching TV, and he was getting sleepy. He had turned over, but I was like, you know, I figured maybe we could get frisky. It had been mentioned earlier, and two weeks earlier, he mentioned I never initiate. Now mind you, I’m terrible at initiating anything. I don’t have the sexy gene, and I’m pretty silly. I grabbed all the covers and threw them off the bed. I knew he was gonna grab me and do some sort of playful wrestling move, but before he did, I said, no babe, I just want to have sex — just letting him know no harm, I did it in fun, whatever, I was laughing and stuff. I knew there was gonna be and figured there would be playful payback, like he’s wrestling.
But then to me, it was a little much, and it hurt now, me knowing that wasn’t his intentions, and knowing that I couldn’t be that mad. But I felt like he should know that it did hurt. He should kinda scale it back and remember I’m a woman, he’s a man (not the first time we had the convo).
He just automatically said, no it didn’t, and basically just dismissed me like I was overreacting and that I got what I got because of what I did. He said maybe we could have sex tomorrow. And then kinda went off on a tangent, saying you know I don’t like when your hair is like that. I get it, I’d rather him be honest, but my hair was like this for like 3 months, and we still had sex, so I just felt like he was just trying to hurt my feelings, because I was trying to tell him how he needs to kinda scale back the whole play-wrestling thing.
He said, well you took the covers, but I was telling him it didn’t physically hurt. You he brought up something I did the day before — I threw cold water on him in a hot shower, being playful because he was talking mad crap, and we were just being silly. It could have been wrong for me to do that, but still it didn’t physically hurt him, which is what I was trying to get him see, and he just kept saying he didn’t hurt me and I was overreacting, which I wasn’t. I was just telling him, but he just hears I’m ridiculing him, and he doesn’t like when anyone tries to tell him he did something wrong or something, so then he proceeded to tell me that I’m acting like a white bitch, which just really made me see red because saying I’m acting like a bitch is pretty much calling me one when I was just trying to tell him how I felt.
Now I was totally wrong and feel like I can’t be that mad at the consequences of my action. I hit him on the head, after that he pretty much got in attack mode, screaming in my face, pinning me down, put me in a head lock. I fought him back as best I could, and he eventually had me facing down to where I could hardly breathe, and he said if you hit me again, I will end this.
I just said get off me as best I could, stopped moving, and after a couple seconds, he got off me. I got off the bed and left the my house. I’m not trying to excuse hitting him, because there’s no excuse. I think people need to keep their hands to themselves, but clearly he’s bringing something out of me that’s not normal to my behavior. I don’t know if we are bringing out the worst in each other, but I’m scared that this type of physical behavior is gonna continue. I don’t want that type of relationship. We are mostly good, but in the back of my mind, I feel like I’m always bracing for the next blow-up or something.
I don’t want to be a battered woman. We both want to raise our child in a two-parent household, but I don’t know if that’s worth it if it’s not a loving healthy one. I don’t know what to do. I’m older, but this is really what I would consider my first real grown-up relationship. I need to know if this is worth trying to save or not. He doesn’t like admitting when he’s wrong, he can never see his faults. Even though I do feel like it was my fault, I think it should have never had to escalate to you calling me out my name and the physical.
Now him basically telling me he would end it makes me feel like I definitely need to walk away, but the optimistic side of me feels like life could get better when he gets on his feet, and we are in a better financial situation. I know a lot of his frustration is because he doesn’t provide, but he has never until now put in optimum effort to change that. What should I do? Tell him to pack his bags and break up the family? I felt like life was getting better we were getting so close and this happens. What should I do?