Well, basically, me and my boyfriend have been together for nearly two years, and for the last few months he hasn’t been giving me what I need physically (even just like hugs and stuff, and of course, sex). It’s just because he isn’t a very physical person, and he used to be just for my sake (which he didn’t tell me until recently) and he wanted those things too at the time. I am very much deeply in love with him, but recently we’ve been going through a hard time as he doesn’t think the “spark” is there, and often he’ll joke about us splitting up.
Anyway, last night I stayed in a different part of the country for work and after work me and some colleges went out for a few drinks and cocktails. We all got drunk, and I was staying at my friends for easiness, and to save on a hotel. When we got into bed, he started kissing my face and hair, and things somehow escalated (he asked me if it was what I wanted, and I replied that I think so, but we were drunk, so I didn’t mean it at all) then he started kissing my mouth and fingering me, and because I was drunk, I just let him, but when he tried to put his penis in me, I refused. Also I refused him this morning when he tried to put his penis in me again. I felt a bit violated since he kept trying after I’d said no, and when he said it would be our secret, I told him that we couldn’t do it and pushed him away.
So, I’m guessing this means I’ve cheated? I feel absolutely vile and I know people say that being drunk is not an excuse, but I just wish I could turn back time. I think a lot of it was missing the physical contact, and I’ve tried talking with my boyfriend on multiple occasions about it, but he’s pretty much like, “this is how I am, deal with it.” I miss my boyfriend’s touch so much, and I can’t bear to tell him about last night/this morning.
I just feel so horrible, please no nasty answers, I need support, not criticism, I feel absolutely horrid and vile enough as it is – thank you.