“Did I cheat on my boyfriend?”

Well, basically, me and my boyfriend have been together for nearly two years, and for the last few months he hasn’t been giving me what I need physically (even just like hugs and stuff, and of course, sex). It’s just because he isn’t a very physical person, and he used to be just for my sake (which he didn’t tell me until recently) and he wanted those things too at the time. I am very much deeply in love with him, but recently we’ve been going through a hard time as he doesn’t think the “spark” is there, and often he’ll joke about us splitting up.

Anyway, last night I stayed in a different part of the country for work and after work me and some colleges went out for a few drinks and cocktails. We all got drunk, and I was staying at my friends for easiness, and to save on a hotel. When we got into bed, he started kissing my face and hair, and things somehow escalated (he asked me if it was what I wanted, and I replied that I think so, but we were drunk, so I didn’t mean it at all) then he started kissing my mouth and fingering me, and because I was drunk, I just let him, but when he tried to put his penis in me, I refused. Also I refused him this morning when he tried to put his penis in me again. I felt a bit violated since he kept trying after I’d said no, and when he said it would be our secret, I told him that we couldn’t do it and pushed him away.

So, I’m guessing this means I’ve cheated? I feel absolutely vile and I know people say that being drunk is not an excuse, but I just wish I could turn back time. I think a lot of it was missing the physical contact, and I’ve tried talking with my boyfriend on multiple occasions about it, but he’s pretty much like, “this is how I am, deal with it.” I miss my boyfriend’s touch so much, and I can’t bear to tell him about last night/this morning.

I just feel so horrible, please no nasty answers, I need support, not criticism, I feel absolutely horrid and vile enough as it is – thank you.

5 thoughts on ““Did I cheat on my boyfriend?”

  1. T says:

    Honestly – don’t beat yourself up too hard. (and this is coming from a betrayed spouse who could chew you up and spit you out for cheating) buuuut – a one time incident can be forgiven. Let this be a lesson learned. If you tell your boyfriend and he still wants to be with you, just don’t do it again!

  2. betrayed but surviving says:

    You said ‘think so’ and you didn’t stop him kissing you and fingering you…. Doesn’t sound good.
    If my boyfriend turned round to me and said what had happened… Well I would class it as cheating.

  3. Dennis Hong says:

    I feel like you’re fixating on a word here — “cheating” — when what you really should be focused on is how you haven’t been getting what you need from the relationship. The word is just a distraction, a diversion. I think what you need to figure out is whether or not your boyfriend is capable of giving you what you need physically, or even if he’s still invested in the relationship. Because it certainly sounds like he may not be as invested as you.

    As such, can you live with this ambiguity, or even the possibility that he’ll never be able or willing to give you what you need in the relationship? Or will it be a dealbreaker for you?

  4. Buffysom89 says:

    Keep this to yourself. The guy you had an indisgression with sounds like a massive creep. I am sorry about that. I hope you are okay. Look, life is complicated – sometimes we need to escape and we get people in the process. Did you cheat? Yes. Does your boyfriend need to know if you are not going to act upon it again? Absolutely not. You sound like you are beating yourself up enough as it is. You are human. You had a moment of weakness. And in this moment of weakness it was with a real creeper. Think about what you want and forgive yourself and be kind to yourself.

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