“My boyfriend keeps checking out other girls”

My boyfriend is a great boyfriend in every way except one (or it could be that it’s my problem, which is why I’m interested in other opinions).

So I feel he loves me and tells me nice things and I’m not insecure about how I look, it’s just sometimes when we are out together I notice him looking over my shoulder to watch someone else. I find it quite rude. I make a point about it and he will feel embarrassed. Usually in the moment he will say things like no I wasn’t checking her out I recognise her…or something else. The point is it makes me snap out of happy mood and jump into defense.

It happened last night while we were with friends drinking….but this time instead of explaining in a nice way he kind of just pushed it under the rug. I realised as we were both drinking with friends to just drop it but then the next day I tried to address it in a calm and non-drunk way that I don’t like it and find it disrespectful and he went nuts.

Have I pushed it too far? I don’t want him to feel over controlled but my point is if you are with me then be with me don’t show other women you’re open to being stolen. The point is I am fine if we are with female friends etc and its normal conversations I don’t get jealous there, but it’s more the catching eye on the street.

I know he’s a sporty person and more involved in action and movement than in words etc. You could say he’s just looking at movement or a weird bag or whatever and in my mind it gets twisted to only focusing on the women. I don’t know what to think about it and it’s so petty that it’s kind-of embarrassing, but I really do feel hurt by it.

My point is if you’re not sure about me…walk around as a single guy and look at whomever you want…but if you’re with me you should show the respect and be on my team.

I feel like I went too far with the nagging…maybe took away his manhood or feeling of freedom…and now he has gone into no contact…won’t answer anything. I will give him space and hopefully the conversation will come up when things have calmed down but I am not sure anymore what stance I should take on it. Am I being too possessive? Should I learn to just look the other way if it happens? I don’t feel disrespected by him in another way but for some reason this really gets to me. And it’s also embarrassing as the other women notice him look and look at me.

Maybe it’s a sign I am around him too much? Like I am not interesting enough anymore…but then he does so many nice things for me and loves to invite me places. I just want to feel relaxed and be able to fully enjoy when we are together and not feel there is an interruption or I need to look over my shoulder.

I know he is also not the kind of person to cheat on me, but I see it a little as mental cheating. it’s a small thing but it’s making big damage. I also feel sad that I pushed the conversation which resulted in him snapping and now ignoring me. How can I repair it? Where have I got it wrong? How can I bring it back to balance that he feels respected and free but so do I?

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4 thoughts on ““My boyfriend keeps checking out other girls”

  1. Anonymous says:

    Everybody looks at people they find attractive. Even you. So don’t think this will straight up stop because it isn’t reasonable.

    However, asking for him to be more discreet about it and respectfully not doing it in front of you is a fair thing to ask.

    Your approach is really the important thing in this. Let’s be real, you want to feel like you are the only one in his eyes and he can’t make you feel that way when he’s blatant about checking out other girls. So maybe tell him that. You can’t pretend like it isn’t happening if he does it right in front of you

  2. Dennis Hong says:

    What anonymous said. You can’t tell him not to look at other women, because really, that’s probably not going to be possible. 🙂 But, you can ask him to be respectful of you.

  3. Anonymous says:

    It is a common thing for women to feel hurt when they see their men checking out other women. Perhaps try explaining to him that you understand that humans are drawn to outliers (the really attractive and the really unattractive), as they deviate from the norm. In such cases, a glance is natural and fine, but anything longer than a second or two is disrespectful and hurtful. Just like one wouldn’t leer at somebody outstandingly unattractive, one shouldn’t do the same in the opposite scenario.

    Even say perhaps that you find other men attractive, but you respect him enough not to stare at them. If that doesn’t work, tell him you see men staring at you all the time and it makes your uncomfortable, so it is not only a matter of not hurting you by staring at other women, but also of not making those women feel uncomfortable. Again, emphasize the difference between glancing and staring.

    I had this conversation with my boyfriend, and I have to say, while he isn’t perfect, he has improved a lot.

  4. Kate says:

    …and if all that doesn’t work, don’t be shy about checking out other guys when you’re with him. Find a dude in tight jeans and stare at his package. When a particularly hot guy walks by, express your appreciation. Your boyfriend will either: (1) not care, in which case you’re basically in the same position you’re in now, (2) be really pissed about it, in which case he’s a hypocrite and good riddance, or (3) begin to understand how you feel and try to modify his behavior.

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