I don’t know where to begin. I have been with my partner for almost two years. We live together, and I love him to bits.
He works away a lot. He is a tradesman and gets called all over the country to do work, so it takes its toll when he is gone for two or three weeks at a time, and then is only home for a few days before he is off again.
We have been very lucky in that he has had a lot of work near home for the past two months, so he has been home, and it’s been good to see him after I come home from work, and to be able to spend weekends together.
Before we got together, he had only ever had sex with prostitutes, which I didn’t think was a big deal. It’s all good. When we first started to get serious, he arranged to meet up with a prostitute, and that was almost the end of us. He promised to go to counseling (it was his idea not mine), but he never ended up going.
Every now and then, I get a feeling like, yeah, he is cheating, but I brush it aside. He just does odd things. If he says he loves me, he wont look at me. He hides his phone from me. He even gets defensive if I just ask what time he’ll be home, so I can make sure his dinner is still good.
A few days ago, I asked him about all this, and he said he loves me — he just doesn’t “feel” it. Of course, that broke my heart, but then he changed his wording to mean he just doesn’t know if he’ll love me in the future. That scares me, because we just bought our first home together, and we are taking steps to create the future we want together.
I was so shocked and worried, and then last night, he went out and left his phone at home. I just needed to snoop, which I don’t do — I’m not that kind of person — but I just needed to, anyway.
His internet history just broke my heart. The whole time he has been home, he has been seeing hooker after hooker, and has even joined couples who want threesomes.
When he came home last night, it had been obvious I was crying, but I lied and said it was because of something I saw on tv — which is quite believable because I get so emotional. I just didn’t know what to say. I feel like it’s my fault, because I shouldn’t have gone through his phone.
He left this morning for a month. I don’t know if I should say anything. My uncertainty makes me hate myself, because I make excuse after excuse for him, and I have given up so so much to make him happy. I love him so much, and I am beginning to realise I have been taken for a fool.
A part of me wants to pack up and leave while he is gone, but I’m too gutless. All my money — and I mean all of it — has gone into building this home for us. Another part of me wants to have a big confrontation about it, but most of me wants to ignore it and just let it be — just let him chip away little pieces of me.