“Untrusted Still”

I’m really tired of not being able to talk to my SO about what’s bothering me in our relationship.

I’m not trusted. Despite being told that I am, I’m constantly under suspicion of doing something wrong. It’s evident by my SO looking thru my emails and stuff, facebook, and facebook searching my exes to see if there’s some connection still. I volunteer the phone and password and stuff because I’ve done nothing wrong. It hurts every time and makes me uneasy

I didn’t do anything inappropriate with my ex, I haven’t been in the same room as this person in over ten years. After my grandfather died, they expressed their condolences and asked to meet up for a cup of coffee and catch up next time they were in town. This set my SO off so much that I had to remove this other person from my fb altogether. There is no other contact with them. All of this was two years ago.

Two years later I still get accused of being out suspiciously late, get my stuff checked and have seen my SO searching/spying on my ex.

I’m not sure how clear this is, but I don’t really care that much about the ex, it’s more the actions of my SO. It hurts and the couple of times I’ve brought it up it makes it look like I’m pining for an old lover.

Is there a way to talk about it without it having anything to do with the ex at all? Do I just accept that this is the way it’ll be?

Who the hell do I talk to about this and please don’t say counseling, ive not the time nor money.

10 thoughts on ““Untrusted Still”

  1. Karen Kerschmann, LCSW says:

    It sounds like you’ve been struggling with this for some time- when you say “not being able to talk about” your boyfriend’s behavior, what does that mean? Communication of your needs is critical in any relationship, so kudos for addressing your discomfort. ‘I statements’ can be helpful in these situations, as they take the blame out of the issue.

    Basically, you state your feeling, why and a few ideas on how to solve the issue- keep in mind that your boyfriend doesn’t need to agree or follow your solutions, you’re just putting them out there.

    Here’s an example:

    I feel hurt/controlled (ID your feeling) when I come home and you search my things and continue to Google my ex (his behavior). I want you to stop please.

    If he gets defensive, refuses to change the behavior, the red flag is waving high. Good luck!

  2. resullins says:

    It’s been two years, and you’ve never given him a reason to be suspicious? If that’s really the case, this ain’t gonna get any better than it is right now. And if it truly was merely an expression of condolence for a death in your family that caused all of this, then your SO has issues you’re not going to be able to solve. Imagine living the REST OF YOUR LIFE knowing that a passing comment from anyone could set him off into this behavior.

    I would absolutely run the other way from this guy. He has insecurity issues that aren’t going to go away as long as you’re enabling him by just handing over your phone and password, and not dealing with the Facebook snooping and whatever else he’s doing.

    Get out darling… get out now. You don’t need this, and he needs some serious therapy.

    • Anonymous Blurb Author says:

      That seems excessive. This is a person I’ve chosen to be with years ago and don’t think the right solution is leave, when what I’m looking for is a different way to talk to them about my feelings.

      What would you do if you were with somebody for years and suddenly this happens? You’re committed in the relationship and the problem is the other person is insecure and doesn’t fully trust you. It is not as simple as just walk away, we’re adults

    • resullins says:

      You’re right. You’re adults. And he’s acting like a toddler. That’s a problem, whether you want to admit it or not. The way he’s acting is reflective of his character and what he thinks of you. I’m sorry if you don’t like my advice, but it’s EXACTLY what I would do, and EXACTLY what I have done when presented with a very similar situation.

      A lack of trust signals so many deeper issues with him.

      And just because you’ve been in a relationship for years does NOT mean you’re obligated to fix it no matter what. Relationships break up all the time for lesser reasons, and the individuals are happier for it. If you want to live with this nonsense, then that’s your choice, but don’t be surprised if this behavior never changes. Because it probably won’t. He will probably start doing it in a more surreptitious manner, but he will never stop.

    • Anonymous Blurb Author says:

      You aren’t really listening though. You’re jumping straight to your own prejudices. You a jumping to conclusions based on your own history.

      I asked for advice on how to talk about something with somebody I love. You took the stance of “this man is garbage and not worth your time”. I straight up told you it is not as simple a leaving. Relationships take work. Thank you for replying, but you are being prejudice and if you want to help someone, you’ll need to stop that.

      Anybody else have advice about talking things thru instead of burning down the farmhouse and burning the land to kill a few weeds?

    • resullins says:

      I’m not being prejudiced. You first accused me of having no first hand experience, then accuse me of being prejudiced because I do have first hand experience.

      If you want validation for what you’re already planning on doing, then I flat out disagree with that course of action, and you’re not going to get consolation here. I absolutely DON’T think this man is worth your time.

      If you think that what he’s doing is “just a few weeds,” then you, too are beyond help, and maybe you do deserve him. You can try therapy… but I guarantee you that at this point, just telling him how you feel isn’t going to solve anything. This behavior is FAR beyond that.

    • resullins says:

      Let me as you a question that seems to be missing some information here. How long have you been together, when did this behavior start, and did you REALLY do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to set it off? Think hard… did anything change?

    • Anonymous Blurb Author says:

      I never said that you didn’t have experience, I asked you what you would do. As for prejudice, yeah, you are. You jumped to your own conclusions and went straight to the easiest advice somebody can give besides “nothing” which is “leave”

      Let put some more details in because anonymity is probably not that big of an issue here.

      My wif and I have been married for 8 years and have been together over 10. We have 3 children, a mortgage and are both employed. We are each going to school as well as working to keep building up this life we’ve built together. I like to think that we share 50/50 of the household responsibilities but let’s be honest, over the years this fluctuates depending on who is home more and who is working and going to school. So right now I might be doing a lot around the house and taking care of the kids but the pendulum swings both ways.

      Th ex an I dated in high school. We didn’t really talk after, mutual regard for leaving it behind an moving on. Not a big deal, I’ve loved since, so has she, my wife and I have been together many many years. I haven’t been in the same room as the ex girlfriend in well over a decade and as far as I am aware she lives in a different state entirely. I really don’t know because it is not that important.

      About 3 years ago she facebook friended me. My wife and I both have other exes on facebook and it doesn’t really mean anything. We don’t usually use facebook for much anyway and when you’ve been together as long as we have you don’t really care about the past relationships, you’ve heard it all and it doesn’t surprise you. Like I said, my grandfather died and she had known him and sent condolences. Yeah, she offered to meet up next time she visited her parents, and if I’m being honest, it was probably more just being polite and an abstract concept as she lives far away and doesn’t get down there that frequently. Benefit of the doubt, it’s genuine, it’s just catching up as friends which I didn’t even commit to anyway.

      This upset my wife and I was shocked by this because this sort of thing has literally never happened. We’ve been at parties and stuff with other exes and this is the only time beyond early dating that jealous has reared it’s head. Nonetheless, her feelings were hurt and I knew the smartest thing was to remove this person from my life again. For her. For the strength of the relationship.

      Now, my feelings are hurt because every once in a while she goes and googles or facebook searches this ex. When I work really late there is a spiteful accusation of having a girlfriend. She also doesn’t l this woman I work with because I’m just a big dumb man an evidently can’t keep my penis out of a woman who I work close with. I’ve tried to bring up the searches and stuff before and it turns into an argument about wanting to see my ex girlfriend again, which it isn’t. I also don’t like how she talks about my coworker who is genuinely a friend.

      But the point is, I am not throwing away a marriage on account of I feel unhappy when she acts jealous. But we need to talk about it, LIKE ADULTS ARE SUPPOSED TO DO.

      So, if that helps paint the picture a little clearer, do you have any advice that doesn’t involve divorce?

      Were there maybe something like Karen said, use “I statements”.? You know?

    • resullins says:

      Ok, that’s a LOT more detail. And let me apologize for assuming the sexes were reversed here.

      Marriage does change the dynamic somewhat… because frankly, your original post came off as, like a college kid that was desperate to stay with your high school BF. So I will amend my advice.

      I would try to find out EXACTLY why your wife still distrusts you. If everything you’ve said is true, then there has to be some further, underlying reason that she’s taken it to this extreme. Ask her exactly what you did to make her this way, and whatever you do, don’t get defensive. Really listen. If it really is just this one incident, with no other catalysts, then you need to follow up with why you don’t understand. Explain it to her like you explained it to me. She may not see it the same way. She may see something from a different vantage point, and you’ll have to try to see it the same way.

      After that, if you can’t find middle ground, then therapy is probably warranted!

      Now, all that being said, trust is a tricky and fundamental thing in a relationship. Without it, everything else will crumble. If you can’t solve this, then this marriage is going to become one of distrust and snooping… and you may run into the problem again. There is a chance that this can’t be fixed…

    • Anonymous Blurb Author says:

      Thank you for your amended and thoughtful advice. I’m sorry this got a little heated but I hope you can see why it put me on the defensive.

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