Boyfriend has little life experience

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a while. He is in his 30s and I was his “first” everything, first girlfriend, first sexual experience, etc. That was fine with me. However, he had a bad upbringing and as a result, he has very little life experience and this is concerning to me and I haven’t really realized this until later in the relationship. He has a job and apartment but that’s about it. He doesn’t drive, can’t swim, has never traveled, didn’t go to college, doesn’t eat different things, doesn’t listen to much music, never gone to a concert, doesn’t watch TV or movies, doesn’t drink or go out to sit-down restaurants, etc. I try to get him to try new things with me and many times, I get pushback which is frustrating to me. Sometimes he does try new things but sometimes not. I think he’s scared and this is a life long issue for him.

I feel like I am being petty because he loves me dearly and is loyal and we do mesh in a lot of ways. However, I have many hobbies and interests, I’m well traveled, and I worry that the future will be me pulling him into new experiences all the time.

Please tell me what you think.

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33 thoughts on “Boyfriend has little life experience

  1. kerplunkLYN says:

    [Wow. This seems like an enormous hurdle to overcome. I feel like by the time we are in our 30s, we are more or less who we are. If by his 30s, he hasn’t experienced much of life & having you by his side to guide him isn’t easing him to a whole new world, I’d be hard pressed to think you’ll be happy in the long term.

    I mean, there are lots of things in love that we can live with, but this: “He doesn’t drive, can’t swim, has never traveled, didn’t go to college, doesn’t eat different things, doesn’t listen to much music, never gone to a concert, doesn’t watch TV or movies, doesn’t drink or go out to sit-down restaurants, etc. I try to get him to try new things with me and many times, I get pushback which is frustrating to me” doesn’t sound like it to me.

    It’s almost like you’re raising a child instead of sharing a life with a partner. I’m sad to even type that, but that’s the patience you’d have to show to guide him through experiences that he should have had or sought out by now. And I think it’s very telling that he hasn’t sought them out.

    • EricaSwagger says:

      [IDK why you got down-voted for this kerplunk but you nailed it. This guy is TOO sheltered and it’s really really odd. It would be exhausting for me to be with this guy. What value does he bring to the relationship? Like how can he be caring/thoughtful/empathetic or a good conversationalist if he hasn’t experienced ANYTHING? You’re hanging out with the emotional equivalent of a 12 year old.

    • ImANobodyAreYou says:

      [I certainly didn’t downvote her. She has a point. I disagree with the “emotional equivalent of a 12 year old” though. He may not have many experiences but he is a good conversationalists. Instead of talking about past experiences/stories, we talk a lot about current news, our families, things we’ve read, etc. He is actually extremely caring and empathetic, a very good person overall.

      Experience is not required to make someone a good person.

      Which is why I’m really torn, you know? If he was bad at talking or if he was a bad person, I wouldn’t date him. But that’s not the case here.

      I do think it’s weird that he has gotten this far with so little experience. I agree with you both on that.

  2. ImANobodyAreYou says:

    [Thanks for replying.

    “I think it’s very telling that he hasn’t sought them out.”

    I feel this way too and I feel so guilty, you know? I do love him but I struggle with this sometimes. I don’t want to feel like I’m punishing him for a bad background that wasn’t his fault but at the same time, it’s difficult to fathom that he has made it this far without doing much of anything.

    Okay, here’s a recent example. I went to a spa recently for a spa day with a family member. I went in a sauna after I had a massage and I also made use of an outdoor hot tub. It was – 1 outside but the hot tub was glorious. I was telling him about it later and he was so weirded out by the idea of an outdoor hot tub. He’s never been in any water outside of his bathtub. I told him it feels good and that I’m sure he’d enjoy it if he tried it. He was adamant that it was just too weird and that he wouldn’t do something like that. The next day, he “came around” and told me that he thought about it and that maybe he’d try it someday.

    I don’t understand how something like that could be such a big deal.

    He probably has anxiety. I have depression and anxiety but I take meds and I am fine. I have encouraged him to see a doctor but he is resistant to medication. When he got sick, I had to convince him to try some OTC meds for relief.

    I am just worried that I am being callous or not compassionate towards him.

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [Your last sentence really struck a chord with me. Given his upbringing, I agree that you need to be compassionate, and I think it’s awesome of you to worry about being too callous.

      At the same time, there’s also a fine line between compassion and coddling. And in certain cases (like the spa example), I think the compassionate thing to do is to kick him the ass figuratively. Because I believe it’s definitely unhealthy to be weirded out by such a petty thing.

      I mean, take a look at this very site, for instance. There’s a reason we have three categories for rating comments here: sometimes the best way to be helpful is to be blunt and kind of callous.

  3. ImANobodyAreYou says:

    [Fair enough. Glad I came to this site. I’ve not talked to anyone about this and I’m glad you guys are helping me here.

    How can I be compassionate yet not coddling? How can I help him? I hope he can grow as a person, with or without me in his life.

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [You’re welcome. I’m glad we could help.

      To answer your question, I think you just have to take it on a case-by-case basis. Every time he resists trying something new, think about 1) whether or not it’s a healthy thing to resist, and 2) how important this thing is to you. And based on that, decide how to deal with it, and whether to push back when he resists.

      For instance, if you like to travel, but he doesn’t… well, that’s a big thing, and in many relationships, can end up being a dealbreaker. At the same time, depending on where you want to travel to, his anxiety could be legitimate. So, maybe you start by picking a location that’s known to be fun, but also doesn’t leave him many opportunities to complain (i.e., it’s a safe, clean, developed country, etc., etc.). Basically, figure out where he might have a legitimate reason to resist, and remove those reasons as much as you can.

      On the other hand, is it that big a deal that he be able to enjoy outdoor hot tubs? It’s a petty thing, but is it worth making a fuss over? If not, then maybe you should let this one go in favor of something that is more important to you. Pick your battles, as they say.

      Overall, I think the most important thing is that you help him by showing that you want to share these experiences with him. You’re not trying to teach him new things, or force him to do things that he doesn’t want to do. You just want to try new things with him. In this way, you’re portraying it as something the two of you can do together, rather than something you want him to learn. You may also consider starting with things that are new for both of you, rather than you trying to get him into something you already like. That way, you’re learning together, instead of you showing him something. The difference here is that this puts the two of you as equals (which is healthy for a relationship), rather than you the teacher and him the pupil (which is not always healthy).

      Plus, you also have to make it clear that trying these new things is important to you (which is why you pick your battles and focus on the few new things that really do matter). And in that case, if your relationship does mean anything to him, he’ll hopefully become more open to these new experiences.

      And once you go down that path and get him more receptive, you can start planting the seeds of curiosity in him — get him to share what new things he might be willing to try, and maybe even get him to start bringing them up on his own, so that you’re not always the one dragging him into trying new things.

      I think it’s going to take some work to break down his resistance. But if you peck at it little by little, I believe there’s still hope for him yet.

  4. kerplunkLYN says:

    [Sorry Dennis. I totally disagree. This isn’t a debate over she likes hot tubs and he doesn’t. He fundamentally has an issue with almost everything she enjoys and hasn’t in his 30s experienced any of it. We all have our shit that prevents us from doing things. I have definitely had my fair share of depression, anxiety, etc. but at one point in your life – you decide if that’s the life you want to live or do something about it. Frankly, I am pretty disturbed over all the things she’s listed that he hasn’t experienced or even tried to. Unless he was a POW since his teen years, I find this all very weird and strange.

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [Fair enough. I don’t disagree that he’s seriously lacking in experience and motivation to try new things. And yes, I agree that it does seem a bit strange for someone in his 30s to be in this kind of state.

      At the same time, the blurb poster says that sometimes he does try new things, so it sounds like he’s open to them at least some of the time. That to me is pretty key, and that’s the part I’m hoping she can key in on.

      Either way, as long as she’s willing to keep working on breaking him out of his shell for now, as long as she realizes that it’s going to take some work, I still believe there’s hope for them yet.

    • Matt Sanchelli says:

      [I don’t think the issue is exactly the fact that he hasn’t had the experiences she’s listed here, but his perception of them.

      The way I’m beginning to see it he doesn’t understand why people do these things (hot tubs, go out drinking, concert, drive…to list a few). His perception of people doing things (large scale, or petty) could cause him to think/react in the same way we would react if someone came up to us and said, “You need to try this walrus burger, it’s amazing!”

      Sure my example is a little over-the-top, but it really is a matter of him breaking out of what he KNOWS and try to become comfortable with what he DOESN’T know.

      Unfortunately, we’re adding in variables such as this is how he was brought up, and what sounds like an extremely sheltered childhood. From what the poster added here, who knows what sort of things his mother told him.

  5. Matt Sanchelli says:

    [I’m mildly curious in the things he is interested in. What does he like to do in his free time? If he doesn’t watch TV/movies, or listen to much music, does he read? If he doesn’t eat out, does he cook at home all of the time? If so, are they the same things…day in and day out?

    Does he have any friends? I find it interesting there was absolutely no mention of any friendships here. What do they do when hanging out?

    You two obviously have some common interests since the two of you are in a fairly established relationship together. What are those? What things do you two enjoy together?

    Depending on those things, is there any way you can expand on those, branch them out to newer experiences that he’s be more open to accept?

    We all grow up with different circumstances, and different experiences; some obviously more difficult, and with possible negative lingering results.

    A possible key here is to not only recognize the things you two have in common, but also find the good in the things you don’t have in common. I’m not saying all of them will have some good quality hidden within, but every relationship isn’t going to be 100% symbiotic.

  6. ImANobodyAreYou says:

    [I wanted to update this with his past information. He grew up with a single mother who had some sort of untreated mental illness. Very paranoid and somewhat delusional. She didn’t date men either, she was raped and that’s how she had him. She basically shut herself and him in from the world and didn’t let him have friends or go out. He lived in a tiny studio with her until his 20s and then he moved out, but still lived in the same apartment building. She moved out of the building a few months ago.

    I’m in my late 20s and I’ve had a few long term relationships before. I don’t mind being with someone who is not sexually experienced or is socially awkward. That’s fine, I get it, I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety too. I’m sympathetic because I know how it feels to struggle but yet I’m also sometimes frustrated at times. I have managed to have a lot of different experiences in my life and while I’m not someome who wants “new new new” all the time, I like to break out of my pattern once in a while.

    I have encouraged him to see someone about his anxiety. He sees a therapist but I’m not sure how much good that’s doing. I think he probably could use medication.

    So what have I had him try? Well, some things, like I said. Sex being one of them. He has gone to some sit down restaurants with me, that was new for him. I introduced him to baking, cookies and whatnot. His cooking is limited to cooking ground beef or chicken plain and then putting it in soup. I’ve encouraged him to try recipes I think he may like and I have cooked for him which he enjoyed but he seems resistant to doing it on his own.

    So that’s about it. What would I like him to try? Lots of things still: going to a pub or bar with me, (he is weird around people drinking, I told him he doesn’t have to drink), swimming, trying Indian food, etc.

    Otherwise, he is very responsible with money and is very clean and neat. The two things he finds fun are riding the bus (which I never do, I have a car and the transit is bad here) and going to the grocery store. He will often visit 5-6 stores trying to find the best deals. I told him I don’t have time for that, why not just buy what you can at a couple places and then go home and do something fun? Then I realized, shopping IS what he does for fun.

    He clearly does have motivation issues, yes. I love him and I want him to get help. I am trying to decide if the motivation issues are something that I can deal with or are surmountable. I don’t know. I’m okay with showing a horse water but I don’t want to drag the horse to water, you know what I mean?

  7. ImANobodyAreYou says:

    [Matt,

    Thanks for replying. He does read, yes. He’s interested in politics. That’s something we have in common. He cooks a lot at home but it’s usually plain ground beef or chicken or canned stuff. As I mentioned previously, he loves to go to the grocery store. I actually enjoy that a lot too, but not all of the time! Hobby wise that’s about it for him. Oh, and riding the bus.

    I think he has a fear of getting addicted to TV or something and that’s why he’s so resistant to watch things.

    Friends wise, he has a few friends. They are male. He will bike with them or go to a couple events. He doesn’t see them as much because he is very resistant to drinking and he won’t go to bars or places with alcohol. But they do go out once every 1-2 weeks and he is very caring towards his friends.

    Our relationship is based on mutual values, conversation, etc. He’s a good conversationalist. We have the same values and future goals. We both enjoy reading and the current news and politics.

    I do worry about the future goals bit though, because he hasn’t gone to college or any kind of technical school for a trade. I have and would like to go back and get my Master’s. He has a high school degree and is worried about going to college for fear of failing out. He wants to run for local office someday. I don’t see how he can do that without higher education and getting himself treated for anxiety.

    I hope this additional info helps. I’m so stuck.

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [Can I ask what specifically you’re feeling “stuck” by? If it’s this part:

      I’m okay with showing a horse water but I don’t want to drag the horse to water, you know what I mean?

      That totally makes sense. But from your explanation, I get the feeling he is making an effort to be a little more adventurous. It doesn’t sound to me like you’re dragging him to water so much as you’re leading him to water, and then he’s afraid to drink. At the risk of belaboring the metaphor, I do think there’s a difference here. To go back to the spa example, the fact that he was initially resistant, but then thought about it and said he might be open to trying it the next day… I think that says a ton of either 1) his willingness to at least try, or 2) that he cares enough about you to reconsider.

      Anyway, I think that as long as he is expressing a desire to try, that’s all you can ask for now. I mean, it’s not easy to overcome decades of sheltered life. It’s clear that you love him very much, so I I think you really just have to be patient with him on this and slowly break him out of his comfort zone.

      I guess this resonates with me a little, because on some level, I used to be like your guy. In my mid-20s, I was in a long-term relationship, and ironically, I was way more set in my ways then than I am now. Frequently, my girlfriend at the time would suggest things to me, and I would just shoot them down. I wouldn’t even consider them. I kinda regret being so close-minded now, but that’s why the fact that your guy does consider your interests… yeah, I think that says a lot about how much he does care about you.

      As for the stuff about his future… to be honest, I feel like a lot of this might be your own anxiety that you’re projecting on him. I mean, he can always go back to school when he’s ready. And he is seeing a therapist. That’s a huge step. And given that he is seeking help, you have to let the professional make the call on whether or not he needs the meds. It’s not really up to you to make that call.

      You also have to be patient and realize that progress is going to be slow. It can take years and years and years of therapy to overcome some of the barriers that his upbringing has created. From some of your description, I get the impression you want answers and solutions now. And I just don’t think that’s possible. I think that as long as you and your boyfriend are taking these baby steps towards finding the solutions (and it sounds like you are), then that’s the best you can ask for right now.

  8. ImANobodyAreYou says:

    [Yes I think there is a part of me that wants answers/solutions now. To be honest, I’m not sure how long I can wait. He talks about wanting to go back to school, wanting to get his driver’s permit. Well, that’s all well and good but when will he actually make steps toward it instead of just talking about it? What will a future with him look like?

    You’re right, I am not qualified to say if he needs drugs. However, I see it as serious. He’s so worried about becoming addicted to tv that he refuses to watch Netflix, so worried about alcohol that he can’t drink it or be around those who are. I just don’t understand how he can function with that level of anxiety. It’s so sad. I can’t live life like that.

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [Fair enough. I feel like it’s to the point now where your anxiety is feeding off his anxiety, and that can’t be a good thing.

      Have you thought about going into therapy together? If you’re both willing to put in the effort, I wonder if this may be your best course of action at this point. I get the impression you believe he has issues he needs to fix, but to be blunt, I think you both have issues that you need to work on together….

  9. ImANobodyAreYou says:

    [What are the issues that you think that I have in regards to him that need to be worked on?

    I do go to therapy on my own but that’s independent of the relationship.

    Yes, I have anxiety because I’m investing in a relationship with someone who hasn’t really lived life and doesn’t seem to want to partake in things outside of grocery shopping, riding the bus, and watching the news and this makes me uncertain of the future. To be blunt, how does this mean I’m the one with the issue?

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [You seem to worry about every little aspect of his life. You want him to change. That’s not healthy.

      For the record, I agree that your boyfriend has some serious idiosyncrasies. At the same time, as weird as his quirks may be to both you and me, a person can live a perfectly happy life not ever drinking, not ever socializing, not ever traveling, not ever driving, not ever bathing outdoors, not ever going to college, and only ever shopping for fun. You’re the one who’s unhappy with this characteristics, not him. Ergo, that is ultimately your issue.

      You also seem to believe that he’s the one with all the problems that need to be fixed, and your problems only arise out of concern for him. If you truly don’t believe that you have any issues that need to be addressed in this relationship, then I have to ask this:

      Why do you feel that you need to be his savior? Why do you believe he needs to change? Neither of these desires can ever lead to a healthy relationship.

      Ultimately, here are your two options:

      1) You recognize that you both have issues to work on together. This allows the possibility that you can turn this into a healthy relationship yet, because healthy relationships are two-way streets.

      2) You continue to believe that he’s the only one with issues, and there’s nothing to address on your end. This negates the possibility of you ever creating a relationship based on an equal partnership — i.e., a healthy relationship.

      Understand that I’m trying to help you work out a solution that will save your relationship here. You tell us that you’re stuck, but then you paint the relationship in a way where all we can suggest is that you shouldn’t be together at all. Well, if you’re going to stick to that, then there’s not much else anyone can offer in the way of solutions, because the solution is to leave.

      So really, it’s up to you how you want to approach this from here on out.

  10. ImANobodyAreYou says:

    [Of course I have issues, everyone does! However, I beg to differ that I have the main issues here. I never said he was happy with himself. He’s not. He tells me that he’s not happy and wants to change… yet does nothing to make major changes.

    I don’t want to be his saviour, which is why I’m posting on here. If I wanted to be his saviour, why would I be on here asking for help? Id be off “saving” him! If he were truly happy, then he should be as he is. However, he’s not.

    Maybe it is possible for someone to not do anything and be happy. To rarely see people, to not cook, to not go to festivals, to not listen to music, to not travel even locally, etc. And if that makes him happy truly, then fine, but I can’t be with someone like that because I’m not happy sitting around doing nothing day and day out. I want to be with someone who will be happy to go out with me, to see friends with me, to travel a little, to watch TV with me. I feel like that’s a pretty normal thing to want in a partner. If that means I have an issue, well, okay. I have an issue.

    I’m willing to give it more time but I’m tired of having my ideas shut down and feeling stuck. I want to share experiences with my partner. It’s hard when they don’t want to have any and when I do have him try new things, he sometimes breaks down.

    I feel as though I’m at a crossroads here.

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [I never said you had the main issues here. I said that if you want this relationship to work out, then you have to consider what you both can do, not just what he can do.

      I can tell that you’re reaching out to us because you can’t make a decision, so you want someone to nudge you in one direction or the other. I also feel like you’re dropping hints in a way where you want someone to tell you to just move on already, that it’s clear you shouldn’t be with him. But the reality is, short of someone being in an outright abusive situation, it’s not our place to tell you that. You have to come to the decision on your own.

      I know that you’re frustrated and you want a clear answer, but I just don’t think you’re ever going to get one. Given what you’ve described, I don’t think there’s ever going to be that moment of epiphany where you suddenly realize, “Okay, THIS is exactly what I need to do. Here’s my definitive answer.”

      So really, all you can do is weigh the pluses and the minuses. How does he add something to your life and make you happy? How does he make you feel dissatisfied? And then you make the best weighted decision you can. The only thing I can suggest at this point is to consider if you can in fact be happy with him the way he is now, not if you can be happy with him if only this-or-this were to change about him.

    • ImANobodyAreYou says:

      [I do have to weigh the pluses and minuses here. Short term, yes, I am happy. However, long term? Unless he makes some serious changes in his attitude and outlook and gets his anxiety treated, then no, I will not be happy long term. That’s the truth.

      Now, when he got together, he talked a lot about self improvement, being a work in progress. That he wanted to make changes. That was something he told me RIGHT off the bat! So I knew that things would change, hopefully for the better, and I was happy for that.

      Now I think I am seeing that it may take much, much, much longer to make any meaningful change. And he may not change at all.

      I want a partner I can share life with, not hold his hand through. I don’t mind guiding someone some but if it’s going to be a chore for the long term to do new things, to go out to eat together, then I won’t be happy.

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [Yeah, if you boil this down to your last paragraph, then I feel like the answer is pretty clear, no?

      I mean, it sounds like you believed in him and gave him so many chances, and even tried your best to help. But… if that hasn’t worked….

  11. EricaSwagger says:

    [“He sees a therapist but I’m not sure how much good that’s doing. I think he probably could use medication.”
    No! No.
    Nonononono.
    Medication is not for you or him or his mom or your friends or anyone on this thread to prescribe. And running to the medication “solution” is a HUGE problem [in our society as a whole] and something that needs to stop NOW. Yes, medication can help and has helped many people but it works on the surface and should always be paired with therapy. People whose problems are helped just by taking these medications for a short time most likely never needed them in the first place. Medication doesn’t fix the problems, it hides them away. What he needs is a different therapist, someone who works exclusively with anxieties like this, and/or with children of abused mothers. Therapy not working right this minute does not imply that therapy can never work. Therapy not working just means the therapist or the client or both are simply not the right fit. TRY SOMETHING ELSE.

    • ImANobodyAreYou says:

      [Erica,

      I’m aware that medication should be used with therapy. I have been on medication for over half of my life. People in my family get severely depressed at a very young age. No there is no abuse or addiction. We clearly have something going on in our brains on a chemical level.

      I can definitely tell you, medication has helped me so much. I would be dead without it. If I don’t take my medication, I go downhill very quickly. I need them for sure to be able to function.

      So yes, sometimes medication is a solution. He’s been dealing with anxiety his whole life from a young age. I think it’s likely that he has a longstanding chemical problem going on. And if that’s true, he can go to therapy until the cows come home and still not see a ton of improvement.

      I believe his therapist has suggested medication in addition to therapy but he’s resistant. So that’s on him.

  12. kerplunkLYN says:

    [Dennis, usually I think you are spot on, but, this comment “…a person can live a perfectly happy life not ever drinking, not ever socializing, not ever traveling, not ever driving, not ever bathing outdoors, not ever going to college, and only ever shopping for fun. You’re the one who’s unhappy with this characteristics, not him. Ergo, that is ultimately your issue.” Really?

    I think the main point here is that the OP has fallen for a man who she thinks has some wonderful qualities and wants him to share her life with her. Ultimately, I think that’s what a partner is. Someone who shares your life. She has been willing to compromise for her and while he has made some adjustments, it’s simply not enough. She is not asking for the moon here. She’s asking a grown man to learn to drive a car, to go out to dinner, and to watch TV. I don’t believe she has any issues. I’m sure she could probably live just fine with one or several of his idiosyncrasies, but that whole list? No way.

    I think her issue is going to be when to move on, quite frankly. While I believe in people changing, I feel like there is something fundamentally bizarre with not experiencing life. And I don’t by the “sheltered” excuse. Sure he had a fucked up childhood, but presumably he went to school, had friends, was not locked in a closet his whole life even if his mom had issues of her own.

    • ImANobodyAreYou says:

      [Thanks. I don’t feel like I’m asking for a lot. I’m not a partier and don’t actually go out all that much, but I would like to have someone to share my life with.

      I am pretty eccentric myself and I can deal with a LOT of eccentricities in people, no problem. Heck, he could be water phobic his whole life, as long as he’s okay with going to a beach and walking around, it’s fine. However, I am definitely struggling with the list of things he can’t/is reluctant to do and while I was confident in the beginning that he would change (because when we met, he talked a lot about self improvement and wanting to change his life!!), now I am not so sure.

      To be honest, part of me feels a little angry because I felt like I went into this relationship liking both him and his potential, because he told me he was on the path to self improvement. He had a vision for himself in the future and was working towards it. Now will he get there??

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [KPL: You picked a bone with my use of the word “issue,” then agreed with me anyway in your last paragraph….

      I stand by my words. If you choose to be with someone who is unwilling and unable to offer the things you need, then that’s your issue, not the other person’s. If you still choose to be with them, then that’s something you have to deal with. You can’t sit back and expect them to change everything for you.

      Now that the blurb author has given more detail, I get that there’s more to the story. I can see how hard it can be to meet someone and fall in love with the potential you think they have, only to realize they are sabotaging their own ability to achieve said potential.

      I do feel for you, blurb author. I just think you have to look to yourself — not the internet — for the ultimate decision here.

  13. kerplunkLYN says:

    [Ahhh, you should never fall in love with the potential a person has, just who that person is. Believe what they do…

  14. ImANobodyAreYou says:

    [I know, I screwed up. And I tell people that “don’t fall in love with someone’s potential”. But he was on such a self-improvement kick. I guess he apparently used to be a lot worse and he has made strides in recent years. That’s what he told me. Said he wanted to change and was actively working on it.

    He has a lot of very good traits now that I really like and we get along great but I am not sure how long I can stick this out if it keeps going like this.

    *sigh*

    You guys have given me a lot to think about. I think you are right, the answer isn’t on the internet. I just need to think. I think I am okay with giving it some more time because I do care about him but I need to decide for myself when the “deadline” is in my mind and what I think he should have accomplished by then.

    By the way, I have told him a bit about my issues. I took him to an event over the summer, think of it like a fair type thing. He had never gone before and he was eager to go, telling me that he wants to try new things, etc. We went together and he ended up eating some food that didn’t agree with him. He didn’t get sick but he felt a little queasy. He spent the next 1-2 hours complaining about it and eventually going into an almost-meltdown about how his stomach hurt, how he didn’t have a proper breakfast and that’s why his stomach hurt, anxiety-related stuff, etc. The trip ended on a good note but I was not happy with the 1-2 hours spent with him melting down.

    A week or so later, we talked about it and I told him that I really didn’t want to have that happen again. If that was going to be a regular thing with us going out, well, I wouldn’t want to go out to try new things with him because that whole experience was very uncomfortable for me. He understood.

    I guess I just have a lot of thinking to do.

    Thanks, everyone.

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [Meh, I think you’re being too hard on yourself now. I don’t think you screwed up at all. You gave him a chance. Plenty of chances, in fact. And now, you just have to decide how many more he gets….

  15. ImANobodyAreYou says:

    [I wanted to update this. I’ve given it some serious thought and something happened as well that opened my eyes and made me think “Oh my God” and I’m thinking I need to this relationship. Thanks for everyone’s help.

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [You missed a key word there, but I’m assuming that key word is “end.” 🙂

      I’m glad you were able to reach a decision, and I do wish you the best of luck moving on.

    • Matt Sanchelli says:

      [Glad to hear to found a little clarity; even if it was caused by an “Oh my god” moment.

      Good luck, and thanks for giving us the opportunity to try and help.

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