Husband called me a “worthless bitch.”

My husband and I got into a huge fight. He ended up calling me a “worthless bitch.” In our relationship, that’s about as low of a blow as you can get. That’s what he always called his ex wife, but she is in fact worthless. He called me this once before when we first started dating, and I told him then if he ever uttered that word to me again, in a fit of rage or not, I would leave. And he has never called me that up until now. He’s apologized a million times and swears he didn’t mean it and just said it out of anger. But I just can’t get past it. It really hurt me. How can I get over this?

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11 thoughts on “Husband called me a “worthless bitch.”

  1. Dennis Hong says:

    [I would say that it’s NEVER okay to call someone a “worthless bitch.” Like EVER.

    But, you seem to think it’s okay for you and your husband to call his ex-wife that. So… I’m not sure what to suggest here.

    • Joyce says:

      [Oh hell no! I agree with Dennis–it is NEVER okay to call anyone a “worthless bitch”, EVER.

      Question–what makes you say his ex-wife is “worthless”? Have you heard her side of the story? Have you found out the truth of what your husband told you about her? It’s likely you have not and are only relying on his words–the fact he calls her that sheds a lot of light on your husband’s true character.

      Now, going on to his calling you “worthless”. Why did he call you that the first time-when you were dating??? That was a red flag!! How long have you been married to this man?

    • Suntshine86 says:

      [Yes I have heard his ex wife’s side of the story. She is a drug addict. She lost custody of her kids (we have full custody.) She constantly makes and breaks promises to them the 4 days a month she’s allowed to see them. She’s bi-polar, constantly calls us cussing and screaming about any and everything. She punched exboyfriend in the face in front of the kids, then took them with her to jail to turn herself in. She is worthless. We have no use for her. I have countless police reports proving her type of character. One of which is a child neglect charge. She does more harm than good to the kids.
      He said it to me once when we first started dating because I was starting to be an extreme couponer and it takes a full day or two to get things clipped and organized. I let my priorities get behind and we got into a fight about it. He has since apologized because he took the time to see how much time and effort goes into couponing. He used to have a really bad temper but he has done really well at getting it under control. I expect to be treated a certain way and once I layed down the rules of how I expect to be treated, he made the necessary changes. We’ve been together for almost 4 years and just recently got married a month ago.

    • aa88 says:

      [To be blunt, the way we treat others is often reflected in the way others end up treating us. I don’t discount the his ex has issues, but I still stick by my statement that it’s never okay to call someone a “worthless bitch.”

      Personally, I think the fact that you gave open approval for your husband to call his ex a worthless bitch desensitizes the term and makes it that much more okay for him to lose his temper and call you that.

      To be clear, it’s still no excuse. Again, it’s NEVER okay to call someone that. And that’s my point, exactly. You fix this issue by starting at the root cause and realizing that, no matter how fucked up his ex is, it still is NOT okay to call her a worthless bitch. So, the minute you decide that it’s not okay for him — or you — to call his ex that, is the moment you weed out any possibility of him calling you that again. It’s the moment you both realize it’s not a matter of selectively choosing who can or cannot be called a worthless bitch. It’s a matter of realizing that it’s never okay to call anyone that.

      You know the saying: “What goes around, comes around.”

    • aa88 says:

      [And… oops, this is Dennis. Didn’t realize I was logged in under a test account.

  2. Joyce says:

    [Thank you for that information. Just because she has done all those things in the past does not make her worthless by any measure, in addition, it only means she needs help–my father had a similar history as her but he is not worthless, no one is, and no one, including you, should ever call her worthless.

    Agree with Dennis. You guys need to sit down and discuss why it is NOT okay to call ANYONE “worthless” by either of you.

  3. Matt Sanchelli says:

    [In accordance to everyone else here, regardless of circumstance and situation…it’s never okay to call someone a “worthless bitch” and trying to even justify it by claiming it was a ‘heat-of-the-moment’ instance is a cop-out and doesn’t make it right.

    What someone is willing to say during an argument is, in my opinion, just something they have already thought many times but didn’t actually say out loud.

    Think of it like the whole claim that you can’t hypnotize someone to do something they wouldn’t do in a normal state of mind. You wouldn’t say something out of anger if you don’t happen to believe in what your saying on one level or another.

    I could NEVER imagine calling my fiance anything like that…and if I did I wouldn’t blame her for being on edge about me from that day until we died.

    I’m too familiar with people who often speak out of anger and claim, “I didn’t mean it.”

    If he doesn’t have control of his emotions to not let them overcome simple words…what’ll happen should things escalate to something more serious?

    While I understand that comment above is rather pessimistic and giving absolutely zero benefit of the doubt; the reality is you aren’t going to simply get over the hurt this caused…and sadly the reality these days is that some people are conditioned to think this is ok…

    That unfortunately leads to people justifying other things that are not ok…

    While it’s worth noting a little positive that over the 4 years you’ve been together he listened and didn’t speak out of anger after that first time; how many chances are you willing to give him should it happen again…and again? To be honest…calling someone worthless over getting caught up in couponing is a bit blown out of proportion.

    I wish there were a simple answer for you on how to get over this, but that’s really up to you to decide. How many more chances are you going to give him should it happen again; whether it be a week from now, or another 4 years?

    Are you willing to fulfill your claim to leave him should it happen a 3rd time?

    • Suntshine86 says:

      [There will be no more chances. I don’t deserve to be spoken to like that, nor will I tolerate it. And I’ve told him that and he’s agreed. I just feel like he has anger issues, and even though he has been SO good about keeping them under control, I am afraid it will “slip” up again.

      He claims his reasoning, aside from anger, for calling me worthless was because I had thrown my wedding rings at him and I left. He was standing outside the front door when he said it as I was getting in the car. He thought I was just walking out on my family, but I was just removing myself from an intense situation. He’s apologized over and over and begged me to not leave him over this. I love him so much and he’s honest to God a really good man. But that one comment just hurt me so bad. I can’t get past it. I can still see the look on his face as he was saying it.

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [You know, his reaction makes a lot more sense to me now that you’ve shared the details. I’ll explain in a second, but before I get into that….

      Look, I understand you’re really hurt by this. I’m not trying to discount your feelings. At the same time, I do think you need to look at the circumstances in a logical manner.

      The way I see it, “worthless bitch” can either be a description or an epithet. If it’s a description, then you’re using it to refer to woman who is irresponsible and negligent to her children. In that case, depending on her behavior, someone can in fact be a “worthless bitch.”

      On the other hand, if “worthless bitch” is an epithet, then it’s a malicious term, and in that case, it should never be used on anyone.

      It’s kind of like the difference between “black” and the n-word. You can use the term “black” to describe someone of African descent. But you certainly can’t use the n-word to describe that same person.

      Anyway, the reason I’m bringing this up is that, between you and your husband, it sounds like you’ve turned the term “worthless bitch” from an epithet into a description. You’re using it to describe the irresponsible behavior of his ex wife. And hey, that makes total sense.

      But in this case then, you’re removing the offensive aspect of the term. So, when your husband decided to use the term on you, he used it because he believed that you were behaving in the same way — as you stated, he thought you were walking out on your family. He thought you were doing the same thing his ex had done. He thought you were being the description of a “worthless bitch.”

      As you can see then, as offensive as the term may be, by using it to describe your husband’s ex, you and your husband have created a different context to the term — one that is not automatically offensive, and one that is definitely not worth getting this hurt over.

      Now that you’ve shared the specifics, I simply don’t see the malice behind his use of the term — certainly not to the extent that you should be this hurt. I still think it’s inappropriate — because I still consider it an epithet — but if you’re using it as a way to describe his ex, then it would be hypocritical of you to take it as an epithet when your husband uses it to describe your own behavior.

      To that end, I return to my original suggestion: I think you either need to redefine the term “worthless bitch” and decide once and for all whether it is offensive. And if it is, then you can’t use it on anyone, including your husband’s ex. Or, you decide that it’s simply a description (though a harsh one at that), and you get over your hurt over this.

  4. sickofit says:

    [I have been in my relationship for 7 plus years and everytime he gets mad he tears me down calling me worthless no good for nothing stupid bitch. Always makes fun of my weight puts my Family down and calls me every word in the book. I just feel like I can’t handle the verbal abuse anymore. He tells me he only lives with me because of my kids and that he doesn’t care If I kill myself because life would be better without me. He says Im a bad mother. I hv 3 babies who I take care of day and night. I get up every morning to make him his lunch for work I cook clean and make sure he has everything done for him when gets home too. But he doesn’t thank me for anything.. He calls me worthless and always says no one wants a bitch like me. Everytime he gets mad he puts me down in the worse possible way. How do I handle this? I honestly have wanted to just go with god but I can’t be selfish to MT kids who need me. I have told him to leave if he doesn’t want to be here but he won’t leave until I throw his things out the door and I am not that person to make a scene.. Please someone help me with some advice.

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [I’m not sure why you can only offer for him to leave. It sounds like he has a pretty sweet deal — he gets to call you all the names he wants, and you do nothing about it.

      As such, if you’re the one who is not okay with this, I think you have to be the one to take steps to end this. And I don’t think it will necessarily entail you making a scene. What about you moving out and taking the kids with you? Or you seeking help from a shelter? I think you have a ton of options out there, all of which can be done quietly and discreetly. It’s just a matter of whether or not you’re willing to take these options….

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