Can’t understand this shy guy

Hi everyone, I have known this shy guy when I first started university. When we were still strangers I noticed he kept trying to look at me in class and around campus, because we often took the same bus + train home. I had a crush on him too but I was too shy to approach him. It took me five weeks to build courage and finally talk to him. In our first talk he was talking very normally and serious, however I could see his leg shaking and he even ran away when the train came. I could tell he was very shy and I didn’t mind that so over one year I kept approaching him first to talk (like once a month), but he spoke very coldly and dead everytime and he would never talk to me first. However he kept staring and trembling when I was near. At the end of year, I even tried to give him a confession letter but he refused to receive it as soon as I handed the envelope to him so I embarrassingly took it back and we pretended nothing happened, I don’t know if he really knew what the envelope was. After that, we lost contact and I changed campus. One day (after 9 months), I randomly saw him around campus and he look very happy but we still talked very normally, like about school and stuff. To make a long story short, I then coincidentally bumped into him many times and after two years of knowing him, he finally asked for my mobile number, which was very surprising. He would ask me out after classes but not very frequently and I did the same sometimes and would text him to go out. But everytime it was just talk about school. He was still talking coldly sometimes but seemed nervous. This situation went on for another year or so. It was slow and painful but I told myself he was just shy and he did try because if he didn’t like me he wouldn’t text me first since he rarely talks to girls. And he was VERY different towards me compared to other people.

So recently, I started asking him more personal questions like views on relationships and it felt like he also opened up to me more. I thought we were getting somewhere because he even wanted to attend my graduation ceremony without me asking first (he delayed his graduation). He told me his parents were divorced and he would just find some random girl he likes and get married when he’s 30 years old. He told me he was very ambitious and relationships are like nothing to him now. I felt quite hurtful towards that, if he didn’t want a relationship why was he holding onto me and playing along with me for over 3.5 years? I’m only in my early twenties, and I’m not confident that he will be with me when he’s 30. What if I did wait for him but he just marries another girl? He then went on saying he would go clubbing and have multiple partners if he had the opportunity and he didn’t mind marrying a girl who would cheat. I was totally in shock, I didn’t know if he really meant that or he was just lying as he often said some small lies to me in the past. His talk was totally absurd. He even rudely told me at one point that I was talking too loud. He was rude in a similar way to me in the past but I just took it as something to hide his nervousness. I know I keep making excuses for him sigh. After the talk he texted me saying it was nice meeting up! and sorry if he offended me. I seriously don’t know how to deal with him anymore or what is he thinking. I really like him but I don’t know if he is worth the wait. Does he even want to be with me? Please help me and tell me the possible reasons for his behaviour 😦 Thank you so much!

6 thoughts on “Can’t understand this shy guy

  1. Dennis Hong says:

    [I’m not qualified to do this kind of diagnosis, but I do have experience working with kids like this, so please take this with a huge grain of salt….

    It sounds like this guy might fall somewhere on the autism spectrum. The behaviors you’re describing suggest that he misses certain social cues, and then (sometimes) realizes it later on and feels bad about it.

    Either way, I think you just have to be upfront with him. Regardless of where he is on the spectrum (if he’s even on there), it seems pretty clear that he doesn’t realize that you’re into him. And you certainly haven’t come right out and said it. So… maybe that’s what you need to do.

    At the same time, I think you have to consider that if certain things about him bother you so much, then can you handle being with him? Because these are personality traits of his are probably not going to change anytime soon. So if they already bother you this much… well, how much more would they bother you if you did end up together?

    • Dan says:

      [I just have a question: After this history of behavior what keeps you interested?

    • Muffill says:

      [Haha I guess love is blind, as soon as I saw him I felt that he was the one. I’m still interested because after 3.5 yrs he still likes me and has almost no female friends, I love a loyal person. He seems to have social issues so I want to help him and I keep giving excuses for his behaviour. Because I’m also very shy so I understand him (or think I do understand). Btw, in response to Dennis, his actions don’t bother me everytime but its just that weird relationship talk kinda shocked me and made me confused. I don’t think he is really some player and might be lying, but if he is really a player then I will certainly give up on him immediately…. Lol or maybe I’m just delusional.

    • Peter434 says:

      [This guy doesn’t sound like a player at all. If he is, then he’s kind of a shitty one.

  2. resullins says:

    [Seriously?!?!?! You think this guy could be “the one” after it took him, what, two years to TALK to you?! There are so many problems with that I don’t even know where to begin. But let’s start at the beginning.

    I agree wholeheartedly with Dennis. This guy clearly either has anxiety issues or is on the spectrum, and it’s not a subtle problem either. He’s also kind of an asshole, and he’s going to hurt you. It may not be intentional, but when he can’t read social cues, he’s never going to get relationship cues. Normal guys can’t even figure that stuff out, and you’re obviously not straight-forward enough to be clear about what you need. So that’s going to cause problems.

    Second, this guy is SO not the one. You’ve barely had any interaction with him, and the little you do know about his real personality, you don’t like. How hard is that to understand? Is this guy a Calvin Klein model or something? What is keeping you coming back? I truly don’t understand what the lure is here.

    Third, you said it yourself, you’re in your early twenties. Trust me on this one, you’re NOT going to want the same things when you’re thirty. And you’re going to laugh at the thought that you ever even considered hanging around for this twat-waffle.

    Run away. Run away quickly. And don’t look back.

  3. EricaSwagger says:

    [I totally agree with Dan above. Regardless of all the other stuff going on in this blurb, you didn’t give us one example of when he was good to you or made you smile or was sweet or showed interest. Not one word about why you are interested in him and why you’ve continued to focus on him. Why do you like him? Why have you wasted almost 4 years being interested in someone who hasn’t given you any reason to?

    Step back and look at the situation. Why are you holding on to this person? Why can’t you let him go? Be honest with yourself about what exactly it is you’re holding on to.

    You need to realize that what you’re clinging to is nothing. And then you need to move on and find someone you can have a normal conversation with, someone who shows interest in you and maybe even wants to make a commitment to you before the 4 year mark.

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