Am I Over-thinking?

I started dating a guy around Thanksgiving. Well, “seeing” a guy. I don’t know. We’ve hung out 7 times total, which in two months is not that many times. I’ll preface the rest of this by saying we met through Tinder, but the only reason I felt comfortable meeting him IRL is because we had some mutual Facebook friends so I felt more comfortable knowing I could ask people about him.

So the first time we met, we talked for a few hours and had some beers and made out before saying goodbye. Pretty successful first date. The next few times were similar. There was a good amount of making out and talking. We’ve had sex a few times and we are very comfortable with each other, at least while we’re in bed.

He lives and works about 45 minutes away, but one or two days a week his job brings him closer to me. Also, he grew up right down the street from where I currently live. Because of this, he’s always come to me to hang out (it just makes more sense because he’s in my area a lot while I never go to his).

This past weekend, he asked me to drive to his house, which I did. (We’d planned on me going up there before, but bad weather screwed things up a couple times.) This was the first time I visited him. We had a great night and morning. It was fun and relaxed, etc. But it got awkward when it came time for me to leave. I couldn’t tell if he wanted me to stay or go, and when I did leave, he gave me one tiny kiss at the door and said goodbye. Weird right? Usually people kiss more once they start liking each other? I don’t know.

So yesterday we went to the movies in my area. He suggested it, for something different, since we usually just hang out at my apartment. I thought it was nice that he wanted to take me out, be seen with me in public, etc. So we went, watched the movie, and left. In the theater there was barely an arm graze, like we didn’t touch at all. And at our cars saying goodbye, he gave me just one small kiss again.

I just don’t know what’s going on, I feel like I’m getting mixed signals. He keeps asking me to hang out, but then he’s awkward with goodbyes. He was way more affectionate at first, making out with me and being forward, which is what I like. Now I get a mom kiss and an “I’ll talk to you later.”

He does keep asking me to hang out. And I think suggesting a movie shows that he at least is willing to be with me in public and put some money into it. (Maybe that sounds shallow, what I mean is he isn’t always just trying to come over and have sex with me then leave.)

So am I just over-thinking the past two “goodbyes” we’ve had? It just seems weird to me, that a guy could go from making out with me to just a peck. I’m used to guys actually acting like they like me/want me. Is he trying to be a gentleman? Is he not into me anymore? Is he nervous? I want to know what’s up because if he’s not into me I don’t want to waste my time. I just don’t know how to tell anymore.

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11 thoughts on “Am I Over-thinking?

  1. Dennis Hong says:

    [From my experience, if you have to ask whether or not you’re over-thinking it, then you probably are. Either way, though, there are a lot of possible things that could be going on….

    It may just be that he’s not big into PDA. I actually relate pretty well to your blurb because I’m one of these guys. If we’re out in public, even a darkened movie theater, I won’t usually be overtly physical with my girlfriend. Or, maybe he was just reeeeeeallly into the movie. That’s a possibility, too.

    As for the goodbye peck, I think that could actually be a sign that he’s getting comfortable with you. I know that with my girlfriend nowadays (we’ve been together for two years now), when we’re saying goodbye to each other, we rarely give each other more than a peck on the lips.

    I dunno, I just don’t think it’s a big deal. He’s making the gestures that indicate that he does like you, so I don’t think you need to read much more into this.

  2. Missy says:

    [i agree with dennis. i think that you are probably over-thinking it. what is it like when you are just hanging out together at your place? is he more physically affectionate then?

  3. trishialee says:

    [Oh come now, over thinking? In my mind, most people don’t think enough and that’s what leads to confusion. I’ll give you permission, girl, to think about this for as long and as often as you want to. Stop thinking about it when you wanna. In the meantime, and maybe I’m reading the details incorrectly, it seems like you get a juicy goodbye when there’s booze involved. Maybe this guy is a little shy about being physically affectionate and he is helped by a little social lubricant. Or maybe he experienced something when you were visiting his place that left him feeling not as into you and he just isn’t ready to call it.

    • Dan says:

      [I certainly understand that after a while things get routine in a relationship but if it feels routine after just 7 dates I would be wondering too. I would check yourself to see if you’re putting in what you expect to get out. If you are making moves and showing affection (not just thinking it but really DOING something) but not getting reciprocation you could ask him about it. However, if you’re not getting what you need already be prepared to move on.

  4. EricaSwagger says:

    [Missy/Dennis — He is affectionate when we are alone, so that hasn’t really been an issue. I understand him not being into PDA which explains the movies, but just one goodbye peck after spending a Friday night/Saturday morning together seemed weird. We had had a great time and we were alone at his house.

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [Okay. Well, given your comment here and below, it sounds like it was really only one incident that gave you pause, yeah?

      If that’s the case, then I really don’ t think you have much to worry about. Maybe he needed to get started with his day, and he figured that if he gave you anything more passionate than a peck, you guys would get sucked back into… stuff. 🙂

      I dunno, I’m just speaking from personal experience here, but I can think of soooo many times in the past when I’ve ended up giving a girl little more than a peck goodbye. I’d hate to think that she might have been taking this as a bad sign or anything….

  5. EricaSwagger says:

    [Trishialee — We’re all easier-going when booze is involved! It’s definitely possible that he’s shy/doesn’t know how to act around me yet. And of course I could be wrong but I can’t think of any particular thing that would have triggered any awkwardness. If he was turned off by something I said or did, he could have just not asked me out again after that, but he did.

    Dan — Re: “I would check yourself to see if you’re putting in what you expect to get out.”
    I’m definitely not. I tend to hold back because I hate to come on too strong or appear needy. I like guys to make the moves. Until a guy shows me he likes me, I don’t feel comfortable showing him. So you could be right that maybe I just need to show him a little and he’ll reciprocate.

    • kerplunkLYN says:

      [I feel sad for you that you’ve been out with this guy 7 times, are sleeping with him, and you’re excited because you thought “it was nice that he wanted to take me out, be seen with me in public.”

      Personally, I’m a strong advocate of standing up for yourself & asking for what you need in a relationship. How are you so comfortable naked with this person, staying in his apartment & having him stay at yours, after only 7 dates – yet, you can’t ask him a simple question?

      I agree with the others that his actions show that he is into you & that a peck goodbye is perfectly acceptable to most people. I’m more concerned for what seems to me, a lack of self-confidence, that comes out in your writing. Particularly, where you address men being willing to be seen with you in public. Why would you ever entertain a man who wasn’t?!

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [Ya know, kerplunkLYN does make a good point. Now that I reread your blurb, it does sound like you may have some issues with self-confidence. If that’s the case, then it’s something that may take some time to work on, but once you do, I think you’ll be much happier in your relationships. For what it’s worth….

    • EricaSwagger says:

      [@Kerplunk — I should mention that I simply wasn’t expecting him to want to go out on dates. Not because I don’t think I deserve that kind of treatment (of course I do, if that’s what I want) but because I myself had the expectation that things would be casual. The guy doesn’t dictate how I get treated, I do.
      So it’s not “sad” that I was excited about it. I was excited because it really just surprised me that he wanted to go to the movies. I thought he was fine with the casual hangouts and the status quo. I was expecting this guy to act a certain way, and was surprised when he deviated from my expectation.

      I don’t need guys to shell out to buy my time. And I don’t think that’s sad. I think it’s uncool that you automatically assume I have low self esteem because I’m sleeping with someone who I wasn’t expecting to court me. I happen to have a more casual expectation of how men treat me and how I handle dating and sex.

    • kerplunkLYN says:

      [Sorry if I double-post here, looks like my last comment didn’t post.

      Okay, I’ve re-read your OP & your follow up comment, and I stand by my statement that I DO think it’s sad. Do you want it to be casual with this guy or not? Because your recent posts indicates that men do not need to buy your time and you take a casual approach to dating, but then you seem really excited that he wants to take you to the movies & “put some money in it” and he’s not just having sex & leaving. Yet, you think he’s giving mixed signals?

      I don’t mean to be uncool, but expecting to be a casual hook-up that turns into a dating relationship and/or girlfriend is a little backwards. If you want a man to date you, respect you, not use you for sex (you seem to be really unsure if he is or you are or both you are or if you like each other), and to me that IS sad.

      You can certainly dictate how you’d like to be treated. And the way this relationship started is that you didn’t expect a whole lot – not even a trip to the movies. That doesn’t really scream of high self-esteem. If you want to be the casual sex girl, that’s totally okay. But you don’t want to be the casual sex girl, then it’s also totally okay to want and expect to go out on dates. If you like this man, why would you NOT expect him to court you?

      Also, if your self-esteem is in tact, as you say, and you are fine with the status quo (or not), why don’t you just talk to him? Instead of defending your behavior to a bunch of strangers?

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