Update: My relationship with a man 10 years older

Hello,
Some of you probably remember my two different blurbs quite some time ago about my situation with dating a man who was 10 years older than I am and my family’s resentment towards that. Some of you asked for the update so here it is! I apologize its been so long but I got very busy with my life since then. I think its been around 6 months now? How crazy!

After much debate, I moved in with this guy on April 1st. It was really amazing for us and our relationship really flourished. I put my family at arm’s length and had made it very clear to them that I was not going to put up with them and their comments and invasive behaviors. They very much resented this decision and told me I was abandoning them and not living up to their expectations of me..which I basically told them was their problem not mine. I really began to feel that I couldn’t be responsible for that feeling in them because this was my life and I felt my decision was right and that I was going to stick with it. Everything went very well! We struggled a little financially until he got his promotion at work and things were really starting to look up for the better.

Then I kinda screwed up…I had forgotten why I put my family on the outs so much in the first place. I really started wondering why I didnt spend more time with them and was a little hurt that they never called me to go to birthday parties or dinners..I always found out about this stuff after they had happened. I really forgot that I had done this because they make me miserable. In the end I would love to have an ideal relationship with them, where I could let them into my life with no problem and not feel attacked or invaded. But that just wont happen. I let them back in and struggled to try and have a relationship with them again which ended horrifically. It created a lot of tension between this guy and me and he began to feel like I was being forced to pick between him and my family and that it was unfair to them. So we decided to take a step back and I moved back in with my parents so that maybe they would feel better about our relationship if we decided to take a step back.

I think this was a mistake. I explained to my parents that we decided this for them and they have began to call me a liar. They said they really enjoyed their time when I wasn’t there and now they feel like I am disrupting their life again and that he is the one who didn’t want me and can’t “afford me” and thats why we decided for me to move out. So in all reality this is completely back firing on us. I am absolutly miserable living here again, and I am fighting with them like crazy because I am refusing to roll over and let them control me anymore. I layed out my terms from the get go that I was not going to disturb the way I liked to live just because I was back with them. I have my own agenda and my own schedule and they still have a big problem with this. They don’t like me growing up but they are responding and dealing with it in very toxic ways. I feel like they are now toxic to my life as well.

So this guy and I are talking about rebuilding our relationship in the way we liked it and the way it thrived before hand and being very consistent in keeping our life private from my family. I am very hurt that I have to make this decision because I do still love my family, but I am more hurt everyday when I can’t even function and live happily because they feel I should be living a certain way. A lot of this was me having to take a step back and look at what I could do to make myself feel stronger and be a better person and realizing that I am not the horrible awful things they say I am. Basically this is where I am now. Trying to figure out how to set boundaries for an overbearing codependent family and be happy with how I am living and with who I am and the decisions I make.

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3 thoughts on “Update: My relationship with a man 10 years older

  1. Dennis Hong says:

    [Wow. Yeah, that sounds pretty complicated. But at least now you can say you gave your family another chance, and it didn’t work out, right?

  2. Kitte Lishuss says:

    [The thing to always keep in mind is that you are the one that has to live in your live and with the consequences of the decisions being made. It sucks that your family wants to pass judgement on you and your partner. It sucks that they want to make you feel bad for something that clearly makes you happy, but it sucks a whole lot worse when you are sacrificing your happiness for them, and they don’t even see it and have zero gratitude about what you are giving up for them. Their opinions are just opinions, but YOU are the one living the situation out for real. That means that ultimately you get to decide what to do, and you can choose to take their opinions and preferences to heart, but it not required that you do everything they tell you to do. If living with him makes you happy most of the time and only unhappy when you think about those people and their unreasonable expectations for you, then go for the happiness! Finding someone you can live with in bliss is a rare blessing and you shouldn’t let anyone take that away from you. The fact that they want to demean you and call you a liar even after you took the drastic action of moving back in with your parents shows that they are not going to treat you well no matter what you do. So then you have ask yourself, “what’s in it for me?” What exactly did you get in exchange for sacrificing your relationship to make them happy? Are they happy? Are you getting the family you fantasized about having when you were with him and sad about your family? Was the price you paid worth what you got in return? Is the relationship you want with your family even possible? If it’s not, stop beating yourself up trying to please people that are going to treat you like crap no matter what you do, because if they are not giving you anything back in exchange for the sacrifices you are making except for more rudeness, judgement and hostility, why do what they want at all?

  3. Heather says:

    [I’m not really sure why things are so toxic between your family and your man. I’ve dated people way older and younger, so I understand how family thinks it’s “weird,” and they don’t understand it. Maybe some therapy will help you all deal with this! Even if you don’t do family or couple’s therapy, individual will help you a lot. I’m sure there are other issues besides the age that contributed to you moving out of your partner’s and back in with your parents’. It’s too bad you have to live with people and can’t get your own place. It seems like that’s what you need!

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