If you want to meet someone you have to stop looking.

I’m quite sure all of us, men and women alike, have been given this bit of advice at least once during our dating life.

You’re frustrated about the small amount of fish in the dating pool. You’re irritated that all of your dates have been travesties and/or disasters. You’re having a mental breakdown because you haven’t had a decent date for days/weeks/months.

Then one of your friends chimes in, “You have to stop looking. Once you stop looking it will just find you and s/he will be there.”

Being a single male this is not advice, it is virtually complete bunk.

Though this is the 21st Century, and women have begun to take more initiative when it comes to approaching men, and asking them out, it is still primarily up to the guy to make first contact if there’s going to be any hope of going on a date again.

Telling me this is like telling me, “a watched pot never boils.” Sorry. Wrong. I can guarantee you that as long as the burner is turned On high enough that water will eventually boil, no matter how long I ‘watch it’.

So the same applies to me meeting a woman and potentially going out on a date. In my 15 years of dating, so far, I have had to rely on myself to make a move first. And trust me, most of that time was spent missing opportunities either due to lack of confidence or completely missing the fact that a girl was flirting back.

I will concede that with online dating, women have begun to step up to the plate more often, but the spread is still fairly large.

What are you’re thoughts on this?

Do you think if you stop looking for “the one”, or even your next partner for a significant relationship, they will end up eventually fall into your lap?

Has the line on who needs to initiate contact/flirting begun to fade? Do you believe most of the “pressure” still falls on the guy? Are women becoming more bold and making advances first towards a guy these days?

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6 thoughts on “If you want to meet someone you have to stop looking.

  1. DavidIsGreat says:

    [I always took that phrase to mean that if you aren’t so focused on finding someone and just genuinely want to have fun you’ll be at your best and most attractive to others. People are more attracted to fun, happy people than someone desperate looking

  2. Solstice says:

    [For some people, future partners might fall into their lap, but I believe some effort has to be put in. You don’t necessarily have to actively date, or be on a dating site or anything, but you have to make an effort to be social or to put yourself in social situations. If I just come home from work and sit at home, I’m not meeting anyone new – not friends, and certainly not potential SOs. Even just maintaining connections with old friends and hanging out with them is still putting in some effort, since you never know when they might want to introduce you to someone new and single that they’ve met. The more you “put yourself out there” (cliche, I know), the greater chance you have that you’ll meet someone you’re interested in. Attend that party, go out for that drink, go to that class, whatever.

    As far as your other questions, I will initiate conversation with a guy, and certainly send online messages first. But when it comes to the first true physical move, I still prefer the guy to take the lead on that. I do feel that more pressure still falls on the guy. Guys are the hunters, and I feel like the roles will never totally be reversed.

  3. Bonita says:

    [I would always have agreed with you… until the latest fella in my life basically fell into my lap when I had given up on dating. I had a slight advantage on the completely random part of it in that I was focused on looking my best and appearing awesomely confident for my 10 year class reunion.

    As for the male being the pursuer… I have frequently made the first move(s), but have found that I end up happier in a relationship if the male has initiated the interactions. My dating mantra has evolved into, “If a guy wants to date me, he will put in the effort to do so.”

  4. Talnoy says:

    [I also, like ‘DavidIsGreat’ take that ‘advice’ to mean something to the effect of a thing that you can’t really articulate because it means something other than the surface meaning. In effect, when you reach a point where you’re saying to yourself “I’m fine solo, I don’t NEED (keyword is need) anyone at the moment.” a few thing start to happen subconsciously. You can’t control these things, and they’re subtle, but people picj up on them; you carry yourself differently, maybe stand or talk a different way. THAT’S the message behind the “stop looking and it’ll come” advice. It’s not meaning to stop looking in a literal sense as in “if I appear uninterested maybe I’ll find someone” but to genuinely mean you feel independent and good on your own without having a burning NEED for a significant other.

    Ultimately, I think people notice the fact that you appear independent and genuine as opposed to trying to put your best foot forward when they know you’re looking for a relationship. They want the you you, not the job interview you.

    My two cents 🙂

  5. AKchic says:

    [I’ve always interpreted that phrase to mean that if you are so into pursuing something to the exclusion of all else (i.e., “the perfect man” complete with specifications to the point of ridiculousness) then you will automatically discard anything else that doesn’t fit this magic criteria you’ve set and throw away potential matches that may have been great for you had you actually not had your blinders on. A bit of the “forest for the trees”, if you will.

    For example, my current SO. He wasn’t looking for a girlfriend when he met me. Hell, he was just looking to get trashed. I was merely enjoying an evening out with friends when I noticed the poor guy getting propositioned by a female and her (obviously) gay friend. I realized the guy was too inebriated to realize that he was kind of agreeing to go home with the male companion rather than the female he was talking to. So, my friends sat at his table and I sat in his lap and “claimed” him for the night. Just didn’t seem right to pull the bait and switch on an obviously inebriated individual, and I wouldn’t have allowed it to happen to a female. We’ve been inseparable since. He’s like a fungus. He grows on you.

  6. lilredbmw says:

    [I decided to never get married. I bought myself a diamond ring and a few animals and was really happy with my life. Then I fell in love with the last person I ever thought I would. I don’t know if it was because I wasn’t looking, or if it was because once you have yourself figured out, you seem to be more open to taking on a true relationship.

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