My SO and I have been arguing a lot lately. Our child is part of an after school activity that is run by parent volunteers. These volunteers have no real respect for the parents of these kids. They have our phone numbers and emails, and we’re there every day to pick them up. But these volunteers don’t communicate any information to the parents. Times and dates change, money is due for things and attendance is mandatory for events but we find out often thru a facebook wall post in a group for the kids. In other words, things like “we need the kids here by 6” instead is “tell your parents that you need to be there at 6, ten year-olds. why aren’t any of the parents involved?”
It’s been brought up that the parents aren’t getting the communication. We’re paying for everything and driving them around, why don’t they call or email us?
Recently the kids won a contest to a different part of the country. We need to pay for hotels and flights. At the only parent meeting they’ve ever held, they asked us for a lot of money. I mentioned that we need more communication and that the facebook thing wasn’t working for everybody. I didn’t scream or lose my temper but I did say that we’ve asked for this before and it’s frustrating that they aren’t being accommodating. It takes 10 seconds to copy and paste info in an email from the facebook post. We’re all trying to be involved but we are missing information because of their lack of communicating with the parents.
They said no problem but then they called my SO to complain about me. She apologized on my behalf and I’ve since become the subject of gossip amongst them. No other parent backed me up, mind you, even tho I’ve talked with them about this before.
Last night was an impromptu meeting for parents. I left work late and could have made it if someone let me know. I found out about it again from the facebook, no phone call, no email. And my SO knew about it but wouldn’t tell me because she thought I would embarrass her again.
I’m upset and I’ve said that I’m mad. She has no idea why and says that I’m just being an asshole. Meanwhile these volunteers are excluding her from events as well. They invited her to chaperone for free. Then after taking time off work (both of us, someone needs to be home with the other kids) they changes their mind, she has to pay. And they’ve taken her off of any fundraising.
They’re taking out their childish stuff against me out on her. But I get pissed and I’m an asshole. What can I do? Just shut up and take it?
LemonVibe 
[First off, is this a regulated organization? If so, who above these “parent volunteers” can you go to in order to complain?
I’ve dealt with this bullshit myself. My kids went to a rich-neighborhood public school in town. They were 3rd generation attendees (which is big in my city, since statehood was in 1959) and 4th generation at the school in general (my grandma worked there). But, I was the purple-haired, tattooed, pierced, single, teenaged mom with multiple kids. That alone excluded me from the PTA. Goddess forbid I have my own business, my family live in the neighborhood for 40 years, the teachers know my family forever and a day, or that the school itself failed the NCLB 3 years running and my kids were all in the gifted programs. Nope, my looks, age (I was 25) and outspoken ways were enough to scare off any haughty helicopter mom.
You have a few options. No matter what – document EVERYTHING. Do your part to stay in the loop. Email them, facebook them, talk to your kids about upcoming events, etc. Do what you can to stay in the know, all while documenting the communications from the “PVs” (parent volunteers).
You can complain to a higher-up if they have one. You can ignore the issue and let it blow over. The mean girl attitude will shift eventually onto someone else. You can pull your kids from the program and move them to something else.
These women will continue doing what they do because nobody is willing to challenge them and hold them accountable. You see exactly why. When one person attempts to, they resort to schoolyard bully tactics and nobody wants to be singled out as the weak/bullied one, so everyone continues with the herd mentality.
[You might have come off a little more abrasive than you meant to (especially if your wife thought you embarrassed her). Some people just come off that way when they’re frustrated with something, and it sounds like everyone else might have blown your reaction out of proportion.
Which, hell, I don’t even have kids and reading this ticked me off, so I don’t blame you if you sounded slightly pissy when you were airing your complaints.
Is there any alternative form of child care you can use? It really sounds like this isn’t going to get too much better, especially if they haven’t implemented a functioning plan by now. It doesn’t sound like any of the other parents are willing to back you up or work on improving it. But I think the biggest thing is that it’s run by parent volunteers. All of the volunteers likely feel like they’re doing somebody a favor by volunteering to watch children, so they don’t put as much effort and thought into it as they should. If this were a business I think they’d be more likely to be more professional about their means of communication, but the entire thing just seems shoddily put together.
If you don’t have any other options for childcare, I’d suggest finding a sort of compromise. Is there one person who is in charge of most of it? You might approach them and politely (so they’ll be more receptive) remind them how poorly the Facebook communication is working, and offer to help with a mailing list of some sort. If other parents are volunteering, maybe you could volunteer to be the guy in charge of the email list to notify all of the parents about upcoming plans and changes?
Basically, since it is run by parent volunteers, you might volunteer your time to see what you can do to help with the communication.
[Keep in mind I don’t have kids, and this situation sounds absolutely ridiculous to me. But I want to focus on you and your SO. When you have partnered with someone, especially when you’ve chosen to have kids with that person, you expect them – no, you need them to support you. You support each other. Even if she thinks your fantasy football team is stupid, she should recognize you enjoy it and let you have time to do it (just a hypothetical example).
Maybe the reason you’re so upset about this isn’t 100% because of the shitty parent volunteers, maybe it’s because you feel abandoned by your SO. It’s pretty embarrassing to have people talking about you behind your back, and it’s even worse when you feel all alone in the battle. I would say, as far as the sports team is concerned, just try to be more vigilant for Facebook notifications, or as was previously suggested, volunteer to do a mailing list yourself. In the grand scheme of things, when your daughter is in love with ice skating or gymnastics in 3 years, the parents on the baseball team won’t matter all that much. What does matter is that you feel like your and your SO are on the same team. Maybe wait until after she goes on this trip (if she’s still going…?) and then bring up the fact you felt frustrated and hurt by her not supporting you. Make sure you do this when you are both calm, maybe when you’re getting ready for bed or unwinding in front of the TV? Hope this helps.
[When you tell a group of volunteers you want them to work harder, do more, that they are not doing enough to accommodate you and your specific preferences, you are telling a bunch of unpaid people to work harder and criticizing them for something they are doing for free. Is it any wonder they are resentful?
It’s not like they are being paid to accommodate your refusal to look at Facebook, which it sounds like is their chosen method of communicating and really the root of your problem. The fact that not one single other parent backed you up would seem to indicate that FB is not working out for *just* you. If you are the only one with the problem, why does it behoove everybody else to accommodate you? What do you contribute to the team that makes the special request worthwhile?
The most successful volunteer groups are the ones that have reactive members who step up and take care of what needs doing instead of complaining that nobody else is doing it. Good volunteers spot the need, like you have, but then they follow through by fulfilling the need, rather than complaining that nobody else is willing to do what you are also unwilling, unable, or don’t have the time for. Why is it reasonable to expect the other volunteers to “spend 10 seconds copying and pasting” a message from FB to email if you cannot even be bothered to even look at the FB page? Are you willing to maintain a email list and phone tree so that messages can be sent out apart from FB?? Are you sure that the other volunteers are even able maintain such a list? What makes anyone else’s time and resources less important than yours that it falls upon them instead of yourself to simply go to a FB page and look at it for new information?
I would not go as far as calling you an asshole, because I have not witnessed your interactions with the others, but it seems to me like you feel your time is more important than the other parent volunteers because they will not do what you want them to the way you want them to. Your refusal to use the tool everyone else has chosen, their Facebook page, is your problem that you want to make into everyone else’s problem.