Two Virgins, Many Questions, One Confused guy

Hello there, I’m currently in a relationship with my girlfriend that started in September. We’ve known each other for about a year and are both in college at the moment. I’m slightly older about 22 and she’s two years younger. We are also both virgins and also relationship virgins.

Currently I’m finding that we’re both very busy and we see each other roughly about 1-3 times a week however more recently because of school work it’s been less. Recently, we have been having more serious talks. I had mentioned to her that I would like to have sex if she was ready, which she said she wasn’t because she wanted us to be in love or at least much closer to it. I mentioned that I felt like we should see each other more in order to get to that point. What usually restricts us is the amount of clubs she’s in 4-5. and the fact that I work. However she misunderstood me when i brought this up and when I tried to explain she kept saying that what I was saying doesn’t make sense based upon what I had just said. This frustrated me to no end and I felt like I should have called the whole thing off there becuase I’d been thinking about it BUT I realized I’d never thought about how I’d do it and I wasn’t 100% sure I wanted to.

Currently I’ve just been trying to figure out what to do. My mind wanders about girls and part of me wonders about a girl who claimed she liked me. I realize how this sounds fairly juvenile but that’s what it feels like too. IT seems so highschool (the relationship and this problem) but I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know if I want anything so serious yet. How does one determine when a relationship is right? Or When the person is right? Is it wrong for me to think about just being single in my last year of college and to enjoy the possibilities of other romances?

11 thoughts on “Two Virgins, Many Questions, One Confused guy

  1. EricaSwagger says:

    [If you’re ready to have sex and your girlfriend isn’t, that’a pretty big deal. I mean you can only wait so long and out of respect for her and your relationship, you’ve waited. I get the sense that you’re not interested in waiting much longer.

    With your conflicting social calendars, you and your girlfriend don’t have the time to connect and get to a place where she feels comfortable. While I understand that college can be busy, part of me feels like if the two of you really wanted to spend more time together, it would be possible. One or both of you may be using your busy-ness to keep each other at a distance, and I assume it’s her. It’s entirely possibly that she just isn’t ready, which is fine. But if you are, that’s a pretty big conflict that you’re going to have to deal with again and again. Sex should be a mutual decision, not something the guy just waits and hopes for, until finally his girlfriend says okay. If she’s not there, you need to decide if waiting around is worth it to you.

    You seem to be weighing your options. Either you stay with your girlfriend and wait, or you go live your life. You’re not wrong for wanting to be single and enjoy other options. That girl who told you she likes you? She might be worth getting to know. She might be ready, and she might be awesome.

  2. New User 986948 says:

    [Thanks for the reply! I also really appreciate your advice, it was very insightful.

    I definitely do realize that it has to be a mutual decision but I also kind of felt that it was more up to her and she definitely feels that was as she said it’s kind of her decision and i’ll have to kind of wait patiently. I feel as if I’ve already waited a fairly long time and I don’t know what it is but I don’t associate the epicness that many do with losing their virginity.

    I won’t say we haven’t had problems. Part of the problem is that last summer I went out of the country to work. Before I left I had asked her to be my girlfriend but she wanted to wait til I got back.
    I hooked up with the girl that I mentioned said she liked me (this was before she said that). She was the aggressor in the scenario(not putting blame, it’s just how it was). We did some stuff but we never had intercourse because I felt guilty about my girl back home.
    I ended up telling my girl back home what I had done while I was away because while we weren’t officially dating I felt as if I had betrayed some trust. So I told her and she was hurt and than after that she got over it and we were “official.”
    Part of the other problem was that I was also new to dating when I met my current girlfriend I was very much trying to please her. Which meant I left out details I shouldn’t have such as the fact that I do occasionally smoke. I told her this as well and she was cool but than essentially offered me an ultimatum. She said she wasn’t but the options were that I should stop or she would have to consider things… I couldn’t justify to myself not giving up smoking for a girl which was why I told her I’d quit.

    She seems to have gotten over these two things but brought it up when i had asked about sex saying that we were “Still building from those two things and that this thing was still new.”

    I definitely am at fault for lying in both situations and accept that. However it put me off feeling like I was the one who was constantly slowing down our relationship and that I was at fault for really the only things that went wrong.
    I can accept when I’m in the wrong but is it possible that there can be too much baggage on a relationship in the beginning?

  3. New User 986948 says:

    [I definitely appreciate the advice, so I don’t know what the others are thinking…

    I realize that we are two fairly different people and that the fit might be what’s at issue here. I really am going to have to think on that part especially. It also goes a long with the fact that I really do need to be myself and not such a pleaser.

    Thanks this has been really helpful! I sincerely appreciate the advice

  4. Solstice says:

    [How into her are you? If you’re thinking about the possibility of being with other girls, it could just be your mind wandering…or it could mean that you aren’t overly invested in your relationship. If you see a future with her and could see the two of you falling in love, then she might be worth waiting for. If not, then you might want to think about moving on and dating around, and possibly finding someone who is on the same page as you when it comes to having sex, among other things.

  5. New User 986948 says:

    [Well i definitely like her a fair bit it’s just difficult because of some of the stuff that’s happened. Also i have had second thoughts before but most often I get over it. I don’t know that I’m going to marry her though like it’s not some thing i’m certain off or anything.

  6. faraday says:

    [I think it’s very early in your relationship to be having so many issues already. It’s supposed to be all exciting and new and crazy hormones…and…well…the honeymoon is already over and you haven’t even had sex yet.

    IMO, you should end things with your gf and go find a girl you like more.

    Because…if you stay with your gf and end up breaking up in a few months because of all these issues that you already have…and you’ve had sex…she’s going to think you used her. So, just avoid that minefield altogether and find someone you sync better with.

  7. Maracuya says:

    [I’d …break up. You don’t really seem very attached to your girlfriend in the blurb, and it doesn’t seem like you see eye to eye about things. Plus, your wandering eye (wondering about a girl in your class) shouldn’t be happening TWO months into a relationship. That’s the puppy love phase.

  8. New User 986948 says:

    [Thanks for the advice everyone, it’s seriously helpful. I realize how I come off and I know that’s a part of me I always just felt a little bad for acknowledging the side of me that wants a casual element to the relationship especially when she was so into me and I felt pretty selfish for not feeling the same way.
    Don’t get me wrong I do miss her when I don’t see her often and I feel bad when I do something wrong or to mess up what we have.

    I have no intention of pushing the subject of sex anymore because I know how she feels about her first time. The absolute last thing I would want to do would be to take that from her without giving her what she deserves in turn. I most definitely don’t want to make her feel used because at the end of the day she’s too sweet, kind and good for that. I still care for her which makes me feel so crappy about how I feel and wishing that I could get over my hang ups and problems.

  9. MargieCharles says:

    [You and your girlfriend both sound like you’re wanting different things out of the relationship, and don’t exactly see eye-to-eye on the amount of effort that should be put into it. I, too, didn’t get the vibe that you were very into her. Which could have just been because you were focusing on other things while writing the blurb, but I think it might also be kind of telling in an under-the-surface sort of way.

    If you’re not completely infatuated with her, my advice would be to move on (I know it’s kind of the stereotypical, relationship advice cop out when things aren’t working). You’ve mentioned that you’ve thought about ending it, you’re already thinking of other girls (the beginning of the relationship is usually when other people don’t even turn your head because you’re focusing so much on one person), and when she said she wanted to wait until you two were more serious or in love, I didn’t get much indication that you really wanted the relationship to move to that point. It seems like you mainly wanted her to feel like you two were at that point for the sex.

    Which, I don’t mean for any of this to sound critical or like any of your thoughts are “wrong.” I think they’re all perfectly normal, and I’d likely feel similarly if I were in your shoes. This is just the vibe (hehe, get it?) I got when reading your blurb. Sometimes it helps to see your dilemma the way someone else sees it in order to sort through it all.

    If you really, really like her, you’re going to have to be patient. It sounds like she doesn’t have a whole lot of time for you, and she’s wanting to take things slowly (and has some communication issues to boot). As such, it might take a while for the two of you to get where you’re wanting to be. But if you’re already having misgivings, I’d say it might be best for both parties to end it before you have any more invested into it.

  10. lilredbmw says:

    [Two months in to a college relationship, everything should be fun and sexy. Not dramatic and complex. If I found myself in your situation I think I would call it off and move on. College relationships can be so much fun, and it sounds like this one just isn’t at the moment. Maybe it could be with a good amount of work, but if two months in there is already some drama AND you are looking at other girls….

    Go enjoy your college experience. You have enough to deal with with out worrying about relationship problems.

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