Alright peeps – here is the dilemma.
I have dated online for many many many many years. I have met all sorts – assholes, mommy’s boys, fetishists,etc…anything you can think of. Except someone who is relatively normal. Until I met Mr. Kart. 2 years ago on LL I was messaged by a somewhat normal, good looking, age appropriate, handsome, great smiled gentleman. Hailing from the Southern US, and living on the West Coast, he saw me and just had to message me ( no worry about the 4000km distance between us). So started an amazing set of Skype dates, texts, emails, and smiles. Lots and lots and lots of smiles. He travels for work, so the idea of us getting together was a possibility. I was excited.
Life happened. Tragedy in his life, and I felt so helpless being so far away, and it ended. No more Skype dates, no more texts, no more emails. I sent my usual holiday friendly emails, hoping he was well and all that jazz, and just made myself forget. I forced myself to forget that this seemingly perfect man lived so far away, and was probably just a figment of my imagination.
Fast forward to two weeks ago, in the midst of dealing with the end of Pocahontas Gate 2012, and he appears. An email – asking how I am, he missed me, and wants to reconnect. Oh Universe – you have perfect timing. He’s still on the other side of the continent, still smiling and as good looking as ever,and I’m still here – smitten and loving the distraction and the help getting over Dickbag of the Year.
We’ve changed as individuals, in different places, and surprisingly I was harsh and to the point back to talking to him. I told him I didn’t appreciate the disappearance, although I knew he was in a rough spot, but next time to just be honest. He promised absolute honesty, and has been nothing but since. We’ve talked about out current/past situations and I have enjoyed every second talking and laughing with him again.
So here is the issue – here is the pressing question. Am I fucking crazy?!? He lives on the other side of the freakin’ continent and I’m so smitten with this man, that if/when we do meet ( which we are planning) I might actually implode. Its going to be a good time, which we both know, but then we go our separate ways, and live our two different lives again.
He has been upfront with the fact that he doesn’t think he is the marriage and kids type, and I have told him not to close doors he hasn’t reached yet. He also knows I do have the dreams of the marriage and the kids and the white picket fence, but really….are they just dreams?? Is my biggest issue a goal and a ideal of a life that I think is right to live because that’s what everyone is supposed to do? What if I’m meant to be the Stacey Keibler to his George Clooney??
I deserve to be happy, and smiley and giddy and feeling sexy. He thinks I’m “dangerously sexy” and who knows if this is all just a rouse or if this is two people filling a void that needs filling (insert sexual pun here); or, if by some amazing grace of the universe – this is something I need to do.
Its been almost 2 years of this guy, always being a thought in the back of my mind, but never thinking I was good enough for him. I have some self confidence issues that surprisingly aren’t as obvious as they should be with him. We chat about meeting up in December ( his time off) and I can’t even wait. He makes me smile, laugh, think intelligently, and challenges me to set goals and dreams for myself.
I understand – this is all over someone met online. We have never met in person. I can’t shake this feeling that I need to give it a go.
I have been asked out since him and I have re-kindled, and I just can’t find myself to want anyone else. I’m not interested in the seemingly normal paramedic from 20 minutes away, and can’t stop thinking about the handsome stranger that is a 5 hour flight away.
What do I do!!!!!
LemonVibe 
[Can I ask you for a second to ignore the distance thing and look back at what you’ve said about marriage and kids? To me this sounded like you would like to someday, he, while not written in stone, doesn’t. That’s a pretty big conflict. You and your potential mate, whoever they may be, will have differences, but things like marriage and kids tend to be deal breakers. Eventually somebody is going to have to give in and that leads to resentment down the line. It’s the kind of stuff that divorces are made of.
To me, this is enough of a reason not to get involved with someone who lives 5 minutes away. You have all of that to contend with too. Just think you need to really know if you’re on the same page with the major issues before taking a leap on this one. Good luck.
[I agree with you David, however my issue is that I’ve been searching and searching for this ideal that I assume is what I’m meant for, never finding it. Never being anywhere close to having someone who is kind, respectful, loving and wanting the things I ‘want’ in the future. What if that’s not what is meant for me? What if I am to be one of those who doesn’t have kids till later in life, or in whatever case just doesn’t have kids regardless of my maternal instinct? I am told not to be worried and one day my time will come, however I now question if ‘my time’ will be never. To me, right now, companionship is the most important. I have met men who swore off children and marriage, and all it took was meeting the ‘one’ and everything changed. Do I think that I might be the ‘one’ for Mr. Kart? Maybe…we never know until we know, but should I throw a possible good thing out because at 29 he isn’t ready for kids, and doesn’t know when/if he will be?
[Like you said, the two of you are clearly filling a void for each other, emotionally. I’m not sure it’s worth risking your heart to get attached to someone who not only lives across the country, but also isn’t really exactly what you need or want. As you’ve mentioned in a previous blurb, you’re looking for the family man and the white picket fence. And as we’ve mentioned to you in response, you shouldn’t settle for someone just because he’s in your life right now. You shouldn’t try to talk yourself out of what you really want, just because you like the way this particular guy makes you feel. You shouldn’t try to convince yourself he’s right for you or change your future ideals to match what you could have with this guy.
I think you’re taking the easy way out here. You’re leaning on this man for emotional support and pinning a lot of responsibility on him that he can’t handle. He’s far away, that’s nobody’s fault, but it’s the reality of the situation. You’re idealizing him. It happens a lot with online long-distance dating. Rather than finding someone who is actually able to be with them, people take comfort in knowing someone is always there to “talk,” while telling themselves “we’ll be together eventually” even if it might not be realistic or true.
It’s definitely scary and crappy to be alone, especially after going through some awful relationships. I think you know this guy isn’t right for you. Deep down you know it, he has different life goals and lives across the country. Realistically it’s not worth the risk. But for now he’s giving your comfort and I think it might be clouding your judgement a little bit.
[I’m going to be really blunt here…and this is going to hurt, and I’m sorry to say this….but he’s not real. You don’t know this man.
People can be anything for short periods of time. That’s why you don’t get married after having 2 hour dates twice a week for a year. You need to see someone at their worst, their best, how they handle disappointment and loss, how they handle holidays…and well, you’ve seen how this guy handles a rough time….he bails.
He’s shown you who he is. He’s someone that can leave your life for months at a time, disregarding your emails and come back when he feels like it. Do you really think he cares for you? Because I think that he just got dumped or is in a dry spell and is looking for some ego stroking from an adoring fan. He’ll let you build him up, make him feel special…but then he’ll bugger off again when he meets someone within driving distance. You’re a distraction to him.
My guess will be, that even if you continue talking to him, something will come up and the December visit won’t happen. You can wait and see…but I really think you need to block this guys email and skype and let him go.
Like the others have said, he doesn’t want what you want. Always listen to someone when they tell you what they want. He said he doesn’t want to get married. He doesn’t want kids. It might happen one day for him….but not with you. He’s already told you he doesn’t want to marry you.
I’m sorry 😦
[On the distance thing, 5000 miles isn’t that far anymore.
100 years ago people would live and die in the same town, now with the internet, screw that noise! Distance is relative, if you can talk to someone, text them, see them, 5000 miles is really no different from 5.
The only real difference is that when you see each other physically you need to cram months worth of lovemaking into a weekend. Which when you look at it, is way more awesome.
I’d pay note to the other things people have mentioned, Faraday seems to have beaten the nail to death. That’s the issue you should be looking at, the fact this guy seems flakey.
[Yes, it’s a long shot, and yes, you are a little “fucking crazy.” Your words, not mine.
I will agree with most of the people up above that are pointing out the fact that you have found something in him that you’ve been missing in your love life previously. You say that you have never found normal, but this isn’t normal either. The guy seems nice, he seems sweet, he seems genuinely interested in you… but you’re choosing to overlook the fact that you don’t have a future. Even if he were to move across the country to you, you still have the “we don’t have the same life goals” problem.
The lack of cohesive dreams is a killer for a lot of relationships, and you’re starting with only a pseudo-relationship anyway.
I would move on. But move on realizing that there ARE normal men out there that will be interested in you. There are men that will appreciate you, and that will be honest with you. Learn your lesson, appreciate what this man gave you, and go forth and conquer another Mr. Kart!!!!
[As someone who has talked myself into wanting the same things my partner/love interest wants many times, I can tell you this: it’s like trying to fit yourself into a mold that you just don’t fill. You may be able to cram your way in there for a little while, and tell yourself you’re happy and comfortable there. But eventually you’re going to realize you just don’t feel right. And the fallout sucks.
I haven’t been on here for very long, but I notice you submit quite a few blurbs. Not knowing you at all, and not meaning any offence, maybe you should focus on not finding love or ‘the one’ for a while. You say you’ve met all kinds of guys, assholes, DB’s, fetishists, cheaters, etc. But what is the common denominator here?
No man is going to make you happy and make you fulfilled, whether he’s 5,000 miles away, or 5 miles away.
[I think you need to meet this guy as soon as possible, but not for the reason you’re probably thinking.
The biggest red flag I see here is that you haven’t met him in person yet. What you’re going through happens all the time in online dating, and I don’t for a second believe that any of these feelings you’re experiencing are “real.” How can they be real for someone you’ve never met?
And no, don’t say you just feel a connection. Because connections between human beings are felt in person, by actual physical contact. No, what you’re feeling is a facade.
That’s why you’re not interested in the paramedic 20 minutes away. Because he’s a real human, and real humans are imperfect. You can see that, and that turns you off. Mr. Kart, however, is not a real human. You may think he is, but you only know his online persona. You don’t see him for all his imperfections, because it’s easy to hide those online. That’s why what you’re falling in love with is a facade.
Yet, I know how strong facades can be. And I know that nothing anyone on here can say will ground you back into reality. That’s why I recommend you meet him as soon as possible. Because if you don’t, the fantasies in your head will continue to grow, and pretty soon you’ll be hopelessly in love with someone whom you only know through an online persona — someone who doesn’t actually exist.
[Jacs –
Millions of years of evolution has made us pretty, sonorous, with shiny hair, bright eyes, clear complexion, killer bods and a characteristic smell because those are proxies for health, fertility and compatibility in a partner. The problem with online dating is that most of that visceral information is obliterated, replaced by a bunch of words or pixels, neither of which had any role in the eons-old process of mate selection which has molded our modern sexuality.
As for relationship, it happens at close range — close enough to touch, feel, hear, smell, and to establish a limbic connection between two brains. Fulfillment is a feeling, not a person. And it’s made of Friday night dates at the movies, cuddling on a Sunday morning and then sharing brunch, going for a sunset hike together. These are not things that can happen from a distance. In fact, my definition of ‘long-distance’ in a relationship is ‘any distance that precludes spontaneity.’ That’s about 60 miles. Email, Skype, text chat — these are pale substitutes for the real thing.
And I’d say they’re benign, but they’re not — because they’re clouding your mind with this idealized fantasy of a man who doesn’t exist, which makes it more difficult for you to notice the perfectly decent guys you’re meeting every day (they are everywhere, by the way). I would suggest that instead of unreal men who are far away, you meet real men, in person, who live nearby, through real friends, for real connection. Even if it may seem challenging at first, it’s the only way that can result in your long-term happiness and fulfillment. Go get ’em!
[If you’re so smitten with him, why not meet up with him? I just feel like it can’t hurt, as long as you keep your expectations low. That might be hard to do, but just remember that if anything developed, it would be long distance, and he might not want the same things you do when it comes to kids. I’m of the belief that if you feel a strong connection to someone, you owe it to yourself to at least check it out, even if the odds seem against you.
[*And marriage. I have a 4 year old singing about flying unicorns and marshmallow clouds sitting right next to me…it’s hard to focus 😛