I have two guys I don’t want to get back together with, but I do want to remain friends. T is 12 years younger, and we had an open relationship for over two years, even if we were “together” six weeks total. He’s really smart and has helped me through many hard times, even when we were in relationships with others. The other guy, R, is 16 years older and left me for his X, whom he still has feelings for. I feel like he used me at times, but I know he helped me a lot through some rough patches and am past all that. I also think he loved me more than he’s now willing to admit. He even said we had some really good times and met my dad and step-mom. They’ll sometimes return my calls and texts, and it’s always about my life and not wanting to get back with them. R did help me deal with two stressful situations but won’t text back anymore. And when I sent him something funny about a co-worker laughing about me messing up recently, he texted back at 2 am some stuff about how I’m different because I point out little things and he doesn’t. I don’t know where that came from, but I texted back I was tired, sick, and going to bed. After that when I did call, he was really excited to hear from me, and he hoped I was doing well. I wasn’t, but he was really cool and talked me through that rough patch. I told him I felt like a bad girlfriend, and he said I wasn’t and that relationships are two-way streets.
My therapist says my last boyfriend, R, was intimidated and preferred to be with someone less attractive, especially since T had called me when I was at R’s house for a booty call. I turned him down, and he said, “You probably shouldn’t have answered!” However, since we talk as friends, I didn’t know if he wanted to chat, needed a ride home, or what! Plus, I was REALLY flattered to get a booty call, even if I turned it down. R was mad, but I said, “Atleast I turned it down! You should feel flattered!” I mean, his X stopped by unannounced to show off her new car, but she’d shown up and flirted with him, called him, etc. So I didn’t see any difference – atleast I said no. She also spent the night with him “on the couch” before he dumped me the next day. And he dumped me by not calling nor texting back, and he was supposed to come over before I went to work! I tried to contact him 10 times before I got a response, and he dumped me on the phone! He refused to bring my stuff back and help me move, even though he promised twice. My therapist thinks I may be able to remain friends with R, but he probably misses me and knows he messed up. Now she thinks we may not have the same friendship T and I have. When I saw R to get my stuff, he kept winking and even blew me a kiss. She thinks he’s trying to see if I’ll try to get back with him. I also have to say R was controlling, and she thinks he cancelled on helping me move because he couldn’t control anything else in my life. He was paranoid I’d cheat with co-workers, among other people. I sometimes regret turning down that booty call since I got dumped soon after anyway! T and I have talked since the break-up, and things are good with his girlfriend. Atleast he’s living in town and has a good job. Before, he lived hours away, and that was the main reason I gave R a shot. Two weeks before our 1st date, T and I were doing strong but still not monogamous. Atleast we didn’t fight – and R and I fought all the time. I got knots in my stomach on the way to his house because I know if I called my X-husband by his name (I was supposed to call him “the X”), I’d get a lecture. R picked on me incessantly, so it really was miserable. Maybe he was trying to get me to cheat or dump him?!
R lived with this X, and they’d dated a year before they lived together. I know she was Facebook friends with his daughters, and they posted stuff about missing and loving each other on his pictures. It made me sick to my stomach, but what could I do? I met his daughters once, as his “friend,” but we weren’t serious. I figured he was smart enough to know if it didn’t work and they lived together, it wouldn’t work again. I guessed wrong. Maybe the kid connection is part of why they’re back together? But he had kids with his X-wife, so that’s FAR more of a connection!
What do you all think? I’d appreciate some input, please! Can I remain friends with these two, and how do I do it? What can I expect from these Xes? I’ve never remained friends with Xes before T, so this is new territory.
LemonVibe 
[It’s probably the deficiency in coffee that’s making this muddled…but I’ll take a stab at it anyway.
All of my relationships have ended with hugs, tears, and “I wish it were different”….and I’m still not friends with any of them except my daughters father. Do you know why? When you’re looking back, you can’t move forward.
Once I love someone, I ALWAYS love them. I know it’s not like that for everyone. But for me, “True love never ends, it’s just replaced by an even greater love.” holds so much truth in it.
I can see any of my ex’s on the street, stop for a hug, a kiss on the cheek, a flurry of genuine and loving “How have you been?” related questions, and walk away content. Not all of my ex’s can 🙂 but it’s always civil.
To be honest, I’m not sure why you would want to be friends with T or R…they don’t seem to have your best interests in mind when dealing with you, neither of them have their s*$# together and it seems like both of them just want you around for the ego boost. The fact that you even gave so much back story on them instead of just saying, “I dated this guy for a few weeks but we’ve been FWB for the last year and a half” and sharing everything about R’s living situation and his children, indicates that you might not be as over either of them as you think.
Look in the direction you want to go. Let your heart be unclouded with memories of past loves so that it can see new love when it comes into your life.
And find friends that love you, don’t ditch you for other people, that will have your back, and want you to be the best that you can be.
[First off, I think it absolutely is possible to remain friends with your ex. One particular member of LemonVibe may attest to that, but I’ll let her identify herself if she wishes….
Nevertheless, the one condition for friendship to be possible is that both people have to be completely over each other.
Unfortunately, that just doesn’t seem to be the case here. You say you don’t want to get back together with them, but it’s pretty obvious that you still look to T and R for emotional support. And I think that’s very dangerous. How do I know? Because I went through this exact scenario myself:
http://www.musingsonlifeandlove.com/2011/03/14/we-werent-having-sex-but-i-was-still-getting-screwed/
My point is, even if you rationally believe that you don’t want to get back together with them, the emotional attachment you still feel for them is going to mess with you psychologically. I think it’s possible that, one day, you will be able to maintain a friendship with T and R. But, from your description, I don’t think that day is today. Or tomorrow. Or any day in the near future. You all need to get over each other first. And staying friends is only going to make it harder to do so.
Is there no one else you can turn to right now for emotional support?
[If you had asked a simple question, I would have given you a simple answer. If the question was, “Can we be friends with exes?” my answer would be, “Yes.” However, your blurb was very clustered and included a lot of “he helped me through some rough times, but basically he was a jerk and hurt me” moments. It isn’t a simple question anymore. I think that neither one of these guys are worth investing in. They might have helped you out at certain times in your life and I am sure there were some great things about them, but friend quality? Nah. Not worth your time. Life is already complicated with out adding “friends” like R and T to it.
[Although these men were ones that helped you through rough times, who helped you through the rough times you had that involved THEM? I understand how female companionship is completely different than male companionship, and that knowing that the person who you are asking for advice finds you attractive and ‘loved’ you at one point is great, but you need to RUN away from these two men who have caused you to question their friendships in the first place. Run straight towards the people who will remind you how much they hurt you, and how they made you feel in both your good times and bad. I ask my gf’s to remind me when Im having a low moment about something that annoyed me about whichever ex Im pining over at the time. I usually remember why we broke up ( its a break up because its broken) and move on with my day, usually day dreaming of Gerard Butler picking me up from work with flowers and amazing plans for the evening LOL.
I hated my first ex, he lied, and cheated, and left me at a time where I needed his support the most, and after 4 years with him, and many ‘firsts’, he walked away. I was crushed, and forced my way into his new life, demanding he owed me a friendship at the very least, and then realized that no, what he owes me is to cut ties. Let me get over the broken heart and move on. Now, 8 years later, we talk almost everyday, he is getting married next year, and yes we are ‘friends’ but I can honestly think about him as nothing more than that, and cringe at the thought that I wanted the rest of my life to be with this man. Only after at least 4 years, could I admit that I was young, and in love and didn’t see the bigger picture.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have strong feelings about what he did to me and how he hurt me and how long it took me to get over, although he is a good person deep down, him and I TOGETHER don’t work.
Forums like this, and any other hobby forums or anything else you like will force you to meet new people and make new friends, and new people will offer advice, and possibly help you through those tough times. I am more than happy to offer advice any day over you turning to one of those jerkbags who doesn’t make you a priority in their lives.
I know its hard to move on, Im currently doing it myself, but its worth it in the long run. Everything happens for a reason, and if you can’t see the reason now, you will later on, I promise.
[It seems like your relationships are complicated with both of these guys. You may be able to be friends with them someday, but right now it seems like it’s probably best if you take some time apart from seeing them or talking to them. Booty calls with exes are so tempting, and I’ve done it myself, but nothing good really comes out of it, especially because usually one or both people still have feelings. Don’t get in touch with them for awhile, and then maybe eventually you can truly be friends with them if you still want to be down the road.
[Wow! Thank you SO much for your honest advice! I do have female friends and others who’ve helped me through a lot – including T & R’s douchebag moments. I’m currently actively dating and seeking new dates on a regular basis – online. I’m open to dating people I meet in life, but online seems to be easier for finding more men.
Since I posted, R chewed me out in a FB message about a picture I posted on FB with my daughter. It was playful, but he called me stupid and to give up my custody fight because his lawyer would kill with that pic. 2 probs – 1st, he’s FB stalking and we’re not even friends! He just sees the public default pic. 2nd, he was really rude, then denied being rude in his reply back. I was worried he was drunk or went off the deep end, and he bragged he was happy and in the Smokey Mountains. Which brings me to 3rd – if he’s so happy, then why is he FB stalking me in the 1st place? Is he jealous I’m having fun without him, even if it’s with my kids and not another guy (that he knows of)?!
Both guys could be jerkoffs at times, but I know they really did love and care for me. Whether or not we can remain friends is yet to be seen, but I’ll put less effort into it. I’ll rely on others and neglect them. Thanks again for all of your advice!!!!
[You can, but do you need to? Is it worth the effort? If so, then yes.