Starting again…

So, after almost 8 years of being single, relationships lasting no more than 5 months, and hundreds of tubs of Ben and Jerry’s, I need to start again. I need to do this over, start as if I’ve never dated before, and I’m having a huge problem wiping the slate clean. I know we are supposed to learn from our mistakes, and use that knowledge in the future, but I find myself hating dating and men more and more as each failed relationship ends. I sit and I get angry, I grieve for the dreams of the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids I saw with Mr. So-and-so, and then I can’t date for months. I meet someone, usually online, and I trust them and the cycle starts again.

I need my faith in the male species renewed, and Im trusting some of you amazing men on this site to help me! I’ve read your advice, and can’t think of a better unbiased, advice, website for dating to use! 🙂

Any tips on what you men (seemingly normal men at that) want? I’ve done online dating for almost 8 years and met nothing but douchebags and assbags and every other ‘bag’ you can thing of but….nothing ‘normal’.
Sounds really bad, but I want someone with a job, a place to live ( that isn’t with his mother in her one bedroom apt on her pull out couch for the last year), a good sense of humour, plans and ambitions for the future. Why is that so hard to find??? Why am I, a seemingly normal 27 year old with fantastic tits (LOL) still single after all this? After all the hope and enthusiasm I have for dating and meeting new people, I am a deflated little balloon of hope and despair….

Any help is greatly appreciated 🙂

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6 thoughts on “Starting again…

  1. faraday says:

    [I know I’m not the perspective you want jacs….but I actually had a very similar outlook as you a few years ago….and that perspective changed for me when I met my last bf. Fortunately for you, you don’t need to meet him to have your outlook changed….because to be honest, he’s kind of a douche. Anyway, I was meandering along, looking for a guy “with a job, a place to live, a sense of humour and plans and ambitions for the future”…just like you. My list had “must drive” on it as well though…but that’s a different story. But I mean, it sounds good, right? Reasonable things. Nothing crazy.

    Except I was short changing myself. I was content dating guys that BARELY had their lives together. I mean…at 27, living out on your own, driving, having a job…these are not crazy things to want in a partner. What my ex taught me, was that I should look for guys that can offer me more. You should be looking for a guy that has not just a job- but a career, and has made it clear through his actions that he is looking at a stable, independent future…because he is doing things like… making efforts towards (if he hasn’t already) purchasing a home, putting away RRSPs (or whatever Americans have), paying off or maintaining no debt…cleaning and maintaining his home (yeah, he should clean his toilet, put away socks and get that leaky faucet fixed)…he should have it together and show that he is a good prospect for husband material.

    Now, it’s not just about having things together in an outward manner…it’s about character, right? Finding a good man. An honest man. A hard-working man. I’m personally looking for someone like my dad. He’s awesome. Anyway, you need to also think about what that man (that good, honest man) is looking for in a potential wife. What he needs. And become that person. I don’t have tips on that because I’m still working on it myself. But…just some thoughts.

    Aim higher, my friend. You’re worth more 🙂

  2. EricaSwagger says:

    [I think the biggest problem is this: “I grieve for the dreams of the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids I saw with Mr. So-and-so…”

    Searching for love is no way to find it. It creates all these expectations about how every little thing should turn out. The first kiss, the first hook-up, the first conversation about the future. You think about all of it so much and it never ends up quite how you hoped. Then there’s the let down.

    Friends of mine in your shoes go through this a lot. Instead of seeing the person for who they really are, they’re clouded with idealistic expectations and trying to make this person fit into the life they have planned for themselves. That’s no way to find who you really want.

    Don’t go out with any guy who sends you a message and seems nice just because “what do I have to lose?” Wait for the guy who sends you a message that makes you laugh, or makes you trust him somehow, or makes you think. As Faraday said, you’re worth more.

    It’s better to wait for something real than to hope what you’ve got will eventually be something real.

  3. Joanna says:

    [Try just going out places to meet people instead of using the internet. Find a good bar or coffee shop or hang-out spot and get to know the people who go to hang out there. Making friends in person is wayyyyyyyyyy easier than using the internet. Use these friends you meet to network and find other people and along the way you will score dates with people who are interested in you. Who knows? There ARE good men out there and they want to meet or reconnect with you. Maybe one of those people is someone you already know but haven’t had the chance to get to know better.

    I’ll tell you my story as an example. In 2010 my friend Dan and I both found ourselves single and we decided to find ourselves more social activities. We decided to go hang out at a bar/club off the beaten path where we knew the people were friendly. We started going there together and eventually we were comfortable enough to go by ourselves and branch out from each other and really meet people without the other person being right next to us. I began hanging out and watching people by the pool table. After a couple month of doing this every friday, I saw a familiar face. It turned out to be an old co-worker with whom I no longer worked. I’d always thought he was cute but in the time frame I had worked with him, he had a girlfriend and I wasn’t going to mess with that. So I began to see him out at this place pretty regularly and it turned out he was single. Sooner or later he asked me out on a date and we’ve been happy ever since. This was 2 years ago and about a year after my friend Dan and I had gone out in search of social activity. Dan found a girl he liked and they started dating but they’ve since broken up. He’s had other girlfriends he met and stuff since then. It took quite a while and a few starts with other guys from this spot that turned out to be busts, but I’m very happy with my boyfriend now.

  4. Matt Sanchelli says:

    [Jacs, I don’t think there is really any advice on what “normal” men want that you probably aren’t already doing, or don’t already know.

    I say this because I reckon the problem (and I say problem loosely) isn’t anything that necessarily falls on your shoulders at all. You may very well have everything right and just have the unfortunately pleasure of finding these guys who are not ready for you.

    Like you, I have been in-and-out of the dating world (online and all) for the last 8-10 years. Does this mean there’s something wrong with me? No. Does it mean there’s something wrong with the women I’ve met? No. All it means is that we, as individuals, didn’t fit together. It’s like trying to force a puzzle piece somewhere it doesn’t belong. Eventually you’ll find the piece you’re looking for, you just have to be patient.

    I was (kind of) asking a similar question when having a similar conversation to this, with a friend of mine, quite literally last night. I made the comment/observation that during my entire dating life being a nice guy has lead me to mostly two types of women; 1.) those who find me so nice that they only want to be friends or 2.) those who don’t believe they deserve to be with a guy like me; someone who can make them happy and actually treat them the way they deserve to be treated.

    The first situation happened largely during high school and college. The second situation seems to be the case now that I’m old (beginning mid-20’s to present day).

    Does this mean there is anything wrong with me? I don’t believe so. It is an unfortunate case that the women who don’t think they deserve me have either been told (repeatedly) that they don’t deserve to be happy, or that they have been with enough non-nice guys that they simply don’t trust, or believe, in the idea of being happy anymore.

    So, here is my advice to you. Try not to carry your experiences from the douchebags and assbags with you (I know, probably easier said than done). Don’t let those negative qualities in the guys jade you from recognizing a decent guy when you meet him. Have standards when looking for a guy (the job, stable life, etc) but don’t make the bar so high it’s impossible to reach; which I don’t believe is something you’re guilty of. Believe me, my last 2 Exes came with their own special packaging of drama and problems. I could carry that negative baggage with me from relationship to relationship but I choose to believe that those women were the exception…not the rule for my road to happiness when searching for a woman to share my life with.

    Second, try not to get frustrated and point the finger at yourself. If you are happy with who you are then don’t change a thing. Sooner or later you’ll meet someone who will recognize you for you. If you’re too focused on the things you think are “wrong” with you, you may miss out on the guy who recognizes all of the things that he finds right about you.

    Sorry for the rambling. Hopefully there’s something helpful in here for you.

  5. Solstice says:

    [If you figure out the secret, let me know, because I’m a seemingly normal 28 year old with fantastic tits and I’m also single. 😉

    The thing is, I’ve been lucky enough to date guys who do have a career, have their own place, good senses of humor and ambitions. But things just haven’t clicked. We weren’t right for each other. I know part of the problem is I’m just not meeting enough guys in my area. I went on a bunch of online dates this summer but they were all busts. I’m hoping to move so I can get a new, better job, and start to meet people in a different area and in a new social circle.

  6. lilredbmw says:

    [Be the person you would like to date. If you want someone with aspirations, ambition and confidence…be that person. I have found like attracts like. Which is why you generally won’t find a very successful, confident, ambitious man with a totally lazy, self-conscious woman.

    Go and be open. Find a hobby and join a club to get yourself involved. Or volunteer. While you are in the midst of doing something you enjoy, you might just stumble upon “Mr. Right.” No longer accept anyone unless they meet your criteria. If he has everything you are looking for, except he lives with his mom and has no job, don’t consider him as a potential bf. Don’t take a guy in to your life thinking you will change a few things about him and then he will be Mr. Right. Accept people for who they are, and who they aren’t. And if they aren’t the right fit, don’t try and make it work. Square pegs never fit in round holes.

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