I’ve been completely consumed with guilt and remorse. I feel so bad.
I was in a very serious relationship, on-again of-again, for the last year and a half…We have this crazy chemistry and this intense connection…but we view the world completely different and so we fight…and break up. Often. And forget about the fighting…and try again.
So it’s generally him that comes back. I try my best to move on. I date. So does he. So twice now, he’s come back when he’s in a new relationship and told me he misses me. I always tell him to bugger off until he’s single…and he always is within a few days. Well, this last time he came back pleading after he had been dating someone for about a month…telling me he loved me and he missed me and that he couldn’t remember why we broke up…and that thing with her would be ending soon. The sex was horrible, she was boring…all that. I told him to bugger off until he was single.
He persistently texted me everyday professing his love. I kept telling him “that’s nice, come back when you’re single.” Two weeks into this, I took an ambien, went to bed…and I woke up to a bunch of confusing texts the next morning. He had showed up at my house the previous night….and we had sex. It slowly has come back to me in like weird flashbacks…it was totally consensual…I just wouldn’t have done that while he was in a relationship.
He told me he wanted to try again with me. But he couldn’t end things with his current gf because he worked directly with her. He had to wait or work would be awful. He promised it would end soon. I told him to f-off and for 2 weeks I completely ignored him. After that the texts from him intensified. He was sending gifts to me. His confessions of love, his promises that we would figure something out…that things were ending soon with her persisted.
I talked to a few friends of mine. They said, it’s already happened. Who cares? “Go, have fun! Have sex and enjoy him….but he’s not relationship material anymore. A cheater is going to cheat…and he’s great in bed..Go for it!” …and…well, I do have a lot of fun with him. So I went with it. We met at hotels…and it was fun. But I noticed his gf changed her fb picture to one of them together…and I noticed he stopped talking about ending things with her. Two weeks ago (a month into this fiasco) I asked him if things were going to end with her. He told me things had been going well with her- they didn’t fight like we did…he was going to see how things went. I then questioned him (which I regret now)… Among the many questions, I asked him if he still loved me…and he said he didn’t know. Which means no.
I cut off all contact with him. I feel horrible. I really thought things with her would end. He completely led me to believe that it would. I’m not upset that I don’t get him back…I was just enjoying it for what it was. But I feel sooooo horrible for what I did to his gf. I feel so much guilt.
Do I tell her what happened? I would want to know. But he’ll know it’s me that told her…and I’m sure there will be some kind of repercussion…and I’m scared of that. Would you want to know? How would you feel about “the other woman” telling you?
LemonVibe 
[I think you should just forget about him and move on. There’s the possibility since the relationship is sort of fresh (two months) that if you sent an email with all the things he’s been telling you, it would be enough to get her to bolt. Or she might just get angry with you.
But that scenario aside, the likelihood is that he’ll just mess up again and their relationship will fall apart. Sure, you made an error, but as soon as he made it clear that he wasn’t going to leave, you left. He’s the one that seems really sleazy as he’s constantly wanting to cheat on all his girlfriends. So, I repeat, move on and forget about him. You’ll have a better life.
[Wow. This is a tough one. Relationships can be so messy- and great sex is hard to say no to. It can become a bit of a drug, with all the same withdrawals, rebounds and consequences.
But I want to say to you- don’t feel guilty. Don’t feel bad. You didn’t cheat- he did. And he is the one who will have to deal with the consequences. I don’t think it will make you feel better if you tell her – it won’t make her feel better, and she may not even believe you.
Now, go download “We are never ever erring back together” by Taylor Swift and listen to it over and over again. It’s your new mantra.
[I agree with everyone else – don’t tell her, it will only make things worse. It looks like you’ve already made that decision though, and I’m glad you’re moving on! And you shouldn’t feel guilty. You didn’t know that he was still with her and not planning on ending things. I know how hard it can be to be stuck in that cycle of passion, then him treating you badly/fighting/etc. and then passion once more. You deserve better and hopefully you will soon find it!
[I don’t think anybody would really benefit from saying anything to her. I’m a believer that he should confess, it’s his crime. (see blurb, Cheating-Don’t Confess?)
Maybe you can take this guilt and do something positive. You know like how Catholics have confession? Well maybe you can do some hard community service or something to ease your mind. Go volunteer for 8 hours doing something you won’t enjoy for some charity.
[Look. If you were her friend before all of this went down, I would be tempted to advise you to tell her. However, nothing that you have done up to this point has been looking out for this girl’s best interest. So, the fact that you are feeling guilty now doesn’t really change the fact. You were the other woman and she doesn’t need to know. Wash your hands of the whole thing and move on. There is absolutely NO reason to continue to drag this out. What’s done is done. No reason to add another person to this mess. Move on, and let their relationship do what it will.
[Don’t say anything to the girlfriend. The only person who’ll feel better about it is you, and the girlfriend will most likely hate you, even though it’s her cheating boyfriend she should be mad at.
Also, don’t feel guilty. I know it takes two to have an affair, or whatever you want to call it, but you’re not the one who was in a relationship the whole time. This is on him.
[Delete him from your life. Block her from your Facebook. Move on. Why is he going to break up with her when he has you fulfilling needs that she cant? Of course things are better between them, he doesn’t have the animosity towards her in the bedroom anymore so the tension is gone. If they work together or not, live together or not, everything is a possibility and he should man-up that the situation has got sticky and either dump her, deal with work being a tad awkward and move on, or tell you he can’t be with you and thats that.
Good for you for sticking to your guns and telling him to be single and come see you, the unfortunate thing is that passion and sex complicate everything and its never easy once you remember how passionate things were. Yes, you deserve to have fun, and be treated like a queen (in and outside of the bedroom) but like most of us self respecting women, the guilt is eating you up. I’ve been there, and all I learned was that you can’t trust a man with unfinished business. He is going to do the least messy thing he possibly can, and there is never really anyway for you to know how and when he’s telling you the truth.
You will find that passion and that romance and that unbridled animalistic sex with someone else – I promise. He will be single, and you will be the only one in his life. As it should be. I sometimes find it hard to believe that there is one person out there for everyone, as its been such a struggle with me, but I have to believe it, and you should too!
[Thanks so much for all of your input. I have really been struggling with whether or not to tell her. I personally would want to know…I’d rather have a painful truth now than a fluffy, pretty lie….But I think it’s also unusual to want things straight up.
And thanks for not being hard on me. I was nervous about posting this…because what I did is pretty horrible. I will block both of them and move on.
I actually do volunteer already, I make meals for families with kids in chemo. I like that idea though of penance through community service. I’ll go find something.
I’m signed up on eH last week…hopefully I’ll meet someone that will rock my world soon.
[I think you should move on and not tell the new girlfriend. If you two couldn’t work out a good relationship in a year and a half, you never will. Cut your losses while you can, get into therapy to work things out with yourself, and block them from Facebook. I’ve blocked X’s and their new (yet X) girlfriends, and it works for me. Online dating, hanging with friends in real life, and flirting with guys I already know helps. So does rebound sex! Girl, get you some!!!! This guy is a player and a snake, and be glad you’re free!!!!!!!!