Do I trust my boyfriend??

This is a bit of a messed up situation – but Im getting lost in my own made up thoughts, and ideas and need some help.

My boyfriend omitted some serious information ( female friend living with him for a while; he agreed to this when we broke up earlier this year) to me when we got back together, and I found out because SHE got curious and messaged me on Facebook. How did she pick me out of over 900 ppl he’s friends with? I don’t know but I don’t blame her! Turns out she’s 19 and they have mutual family friends and she’s under the impression that she’s his gf. Why is she under this impression? He says she likes him, and has a crush on him.

Now – Im 27 as is he, and I remember being 19 and young and impressionable, but he swears to me that nothing has happened and that she is living on the couch. He was away from home for about a month, so he assumed that while he was doing that, she was looking for other accommodations. Apparently, all the information I’ve received from her ( they’ve been dating since march, shes met his parents, she’s living there permanently) is false, and she’s delusional.

I have dated tons, and I mean TONS of douchebags, and he is not one of them. I can usually figure this out quite soon, and aside from some scheduling conflicts when we first started dating due to work commitments, we have been a strong couple.

He is asking me to trust him, he wants to be with me, no one else and I want to believe him. Im at the point right now, where I do love this man, and perhaps he did say some things he shouldn’t have to an impressionable 19 year old, however is it worth just throwing it all away and not trusting him based on my past experiences?

Im tempted to just tell him to deal with it, and deal with whatever situation he has got himself into QUICKLY, and then be with me, as he’s said he wants to be. Regardless of what the ‘truth’ behind the story is, he chooses me, and crawled back to me begging for forgiveness for not telling me about her staying there.

Im torn between my heart ( telling me to love him and trust him no matter what) and my mind ( which is protecting my heart and telling me to be beyond careful and don’t trust).

I have never been in a situation where I choose to turn a blind eye to a possible sticky situation that arose while I wasn’t in the picture. No matter what the issue is with her, he wants to be with me. End of story.

I see a future with this man, one beyond Christmas ( haven’t thought that in over 7 years), and it breaks my heart to think that Im being an idiot about all of this, but on the other hand, it would break my heart to never speak to him again because some asshole in my past shattered my trust in men.

Should I trust him to deal with the situation and move on, working on our communication and full disclosure as he’s fully volunteered to do? Or should I just tell him to shove it, and move on without him?

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11 thoughts on “Do I trust my boyfriend??

  1. Solstice says:

    [You said “Im tempted to just tell him to deal with it, and deal with whatever situation he has got himself into QUICKLY, and then be with me, as he’s said he wants to be.” Tell him exactly that. If she doesn’t move out within the next couple of weeks (she must have friends or family she can crash with, no?), then there might be something else going on. But for now I’d trust him over the 19 year old, if you’ve always been able to trust him the past. The 19 year old might be misinterpreting things he’s saying to her, might be trying to get you riled up on purpose by saying they’re dating, might be trying to drive you away so she can have him to herself. Tell him to deal with the situation as quickly as possible if he wants to be with you. But keep your guard up for the time being, just in case.

  2. Maracuya says:

    [How long have you been giving it a second go? I’d have thought you’d have been over to his apartment before then and discovered a girl living on the couch. She’s at least being half truthful…if she is a family friend, then she has to have met his parents.

    I don’t know, but it would definitely make me a little skittish about it depending on how long he went on dating you, not taking you to his apartment and omitting he has a girl living there. And what is, “Perhaps he did say some things he shouldn’t have to an impressionable 19 year old” and “Promises he didn’t mean”?

    It’s vague enough that I don’t really know how to address it but I don’t like it. A lot of the comments are emphasizing that oh, 19-year-olds are dumb and impressionable children. She could be trying to break up your relationship–that’s true. But I can’t help but consider that if she had not messaged you you would have NEVER known that he had a girl living with him in his apartment for, how long? The best advice I can give is to tread lightly.

  3. karlos says:

    [Wait, how does someone get the impression they’re dating someone, from staying on their couch? I do that shit all the time and never once have I thought, “I’m onto a winner here”. Mainly because if I was dating that person, I would be staying in their bed instead of their couch.

    I’d definitely try to discuss this, but be sure to do it away from any knives if she’s in the room. Since if she believes she has a boyfriend who’s making her stay on the couch, she doesn’t seem all too bright.

  4. faraday says:

    [“I think things happened, he made some promises he didn’t mean and then I came back into the picture and he regretted it all but didn’t know how to address it. ”

    I think you need to look at the bigger picture. Because it’s not about this one instance, it’s about a
    relationship and the future…

    Do you want to be with someone who isn’t a good communicator? At 27 he can’t figure out how to address a situation that happened (and if it happened while you weren’t dating then it’s not even something he can get in trouble for)…He’s acting like a kid scared of confessing that he ate the cookies. I mean, he didn’t even tell you she was living on his couch, she did.

    Who knows what happened between them…but the fact that he didn’t tell you about her living on his couch (regardless of what, if anything, happened) would indicate to me, that he’s not emotionally mature enough to be good dating prospects.

    In the big picture, can you trust him knowing he’ll omit things that will get him into trouble? I think you should pass on this guy.

  5. Matt Sanchelli says:

    [I think you said it best in your response to Maracuya, “…I just don’t know if I can be with him until she is gone.”

    I think you do know because there is that doubt in your mind about it, and him.

    If he has acknowledged the error in not telling you this girl was living with him, then he basically acknowledges that this situation simply isn’t really acceptable.

    There really isn’t any way for us (other LemonVibers) to completely know the situation and get a proper gauge whether he’s full of BS, or not. In this case I’m going to trust your gut and from what I’m reading you don’t completely “trust” the situation.

    I understand you wanting to work on things with him and give your relationship another shot but neither of you are going to be able to give this 2nd chance the chance it deserves if this is a present hurdle.

    You need to tell him exactly what you said. Something like, “I want us to have a chance. I care about you. I love (if you’ve told him already) you. But I can’t be with you while this girl is living with you.”

    The way I see it, this avoids having to issue an ultimatum (which never gets a positive reaction from a male) and gives you some clarity regarding where he stands with you and with the 19 year old roomie. The longer he takes to kick her out would show that this 2nd chance doesn’t really mean much to him. If he makes excuses for any moving out delays….same thing.

    Plus, this will give you space to figure out what you need to (for you and him).

  6. DavidIsGreat says:

    [I think this was touched on, but not really said.

    There is a real possibility that he is/was dating this girl.

    It sounds like he legit feels bad and wants you, and it sounds like you do trust him. But the problem is the girl on the couch.

    In my opinion, there’s nothing wrong with kicking this girl out if there’s nothing going on. School is her problem. And if this situation makes you uncomfortable, he should like, fix it.

    You can trust him if you feel that way, but you don’t have to trust her. Nor should you

  7. Jacs77 says:

    [well Ladies and Gents…its official. His GF unblocked me on facebook and just in time for him to tell me he misses me, I see her status about them….YEP DONE.

    I sent him an email with a screenshot of her page, and titled the email – You are a Liar and a Cheater, Im done with you.

    Lovely.

    Happy Tuesday everyone, Happy Tuesday.

  8. lilredbmw says:

    [Well, before I read that you two were done I was going to say that you should leave. And it looks like that has already been taken care of. Good luck to this jerk who is 27 and dating a 19 year old. A total winner, he is! Consider yourself lucky that this relationship was ended now and didn’t waste any more of your time.

  9. AKchic says:

    [Say what?

    Okay, there is a 19 year old WOMAN who is saying that they are in a RELATIONSHIP. Anyone who says she’s a kid needs to stop. She is legally an adult. She may be naive, she may be immature, but she is an adult in the eyes of the law unless she is severely disabled/mentally deficient and requires a legal guardian.

    He lied by omission that this WOMAN was living with him. Then backtracked and said “oh yeah, she’s here but she’s a friend and is misinterpreting the relationship”. Really? If the relationship is so platonic and innocent, why didn’t he come clean immediately?

    If she is misinterpreting or is unstable, this is something HE needs to deal with, and yes, he needs to deal with it quickly. The woman needs to move out of his apartment and stop communicating with you. He needs to contact her parents and let them know that she is being obsessive so they can keep an eye on her in case she exhibits any other mental health issues (she is at the right age to start exhibiting them). If he led her on, that is on him and he needs to apologize and make amends. He needs to be making decisions on his own and stop the wishy-washy crap.

    However, I do feel that maybe he was leading this girl on as a back-up girlfriend in case you didn’t want to get back together. Now he can’t get rid of the younger (obsessed) girl who feels you’ve poached her “man”.

  10. Heather says:

    [I think you found yourself another douchebag. Some guys take longer to spot than others, trust me! If he omitted that he has a female roomie, what else is he omitting? I don’t think she’s crazy if she’s living on his couch and thinks she’s his girlfriend. Atleast he could be honest about it! Seriously, he wants to play you and her at the same time. Take it from someone who’s husband left him for a mistress – get out while you can! It doesn’t get any better. I had my hunches, and he denied all he could until after the divorce!!!! Men caught cheating will lie through their teeth – not only politicians!

  11. Jacs77 says:

    [Well, my ex, John Smith lets call him, and his little Pocahontas, are no longer co-habitating. She has all sorts of things posted on her wall, and he’s been making an effort to talk to me. Telling me he handled the situation and now its time for us to be fixed.

    They are always going to have ties at some point ( almost an occupational hazard) so what do I do?? I want to be able to walk away, but there is something that is holding me here…something that keeps telling me not too…this whole mind vs. heart thing is not helping me one bit.

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