I fell in love with a girl, and I can’t have her. (This is a bit longer than a blurb…)

This is a long post, but I don’t think I could post about it without including all the details. Honestly no one could have seen that this was going to happen. I’m 27, I’ve always loved men, and I have no prior history of dating a woman at all. Absolutely no one could have seen this coming. Well…I take that back. I always felt some attraction toward women physically. I’d always been…curious…about what it would be like to be with another girl. But as for actually being in a heartfelt relationship with one? Not at all. But then there was Lisa.

Lisa is this dreadlocked, hip-hop loving Jamaican med student who works like a horse and curses like a sailor. I absolutely adore her. About a year ago we met through Facebook. We both belonged to a group for poetry lovers, and coincidentally we both lived within an hour of each other. We hit it off fabulously. We made each other laugh and challenged each other intellectually. She had a tom boy kind of vibe, and later she told me she was a lesbian. I didn’t think much of it then. I was just happy to know someone as cool as her. As time went on we learned more about each other. She loves sleeping to classical music and watching old period movies. Hot peppers irritate her stomach…she thinks baseball is the most boring sport ever.

About six months on, I started to feel something stir inside of me. The stirrings increased to the point where I couldn’t ignore them anymore. I actually had a crush on Lisa. Another girl. Which was a huge deal for me…because it had never HAPPENED before. I jokingly told her about the crush, hoping we could both just laugh about it. And we did. I figured it would go away…maybe it was just a silly hero-worship thing. After all there was so much about her that I admired and wanted for myself.

Well the crush didn’t go away at all. It intensified. Against my better judgement, and my natural tendency, I started to get flirty with her. Or maybe she started flirting first…I don’t remember. But God, she was amazing at it. She was like a boy, except she had this soft tender feminine side. She didn’t let it show often, but when she did, I couldn’t get enough of it. It was like being on drugs. We started talking for hours every day. In the past few months I can only think of a handful of days when we didn’t have a lengthy, enjoyable conversation.

One day we were talking on the phone, and suddenly I felt very sad. Or lost…I don’t know how to describe it. She noticed that I went quiet and she asked what was wrong. I tried changing the subject, but she would have none of it. After a long silence, I said, “I’m in love with you, Lisa.” Another silence…a very long silence. All she could say was “Um…” and I felt my heart sink. For a long time, she has been phobic about relationships and the word “love” in general. Her ex was a real hag who nearly destroyed her life. But Lisa just graduated with her BSc and is currently living with the ex until she finds her own place, since she is the only one that Lisa really knows in the U.S (aside from me). Not only that, but she works as a home health aide in an upper class part of town, she is completing her Master’s degree in biology, and she has this insane work ethic that won’t easily let her have another person interfere with her carefully laid plans. But she knew how I felt. It was about a week before she said that she wanted to give us a try…so she did. She asked me if I wanted to date and I enthusiastically said yes.

That lasted all of four weeks. And most of our relationship was over the phone. That’s how long it was before we had our first argument. It was over something forgivable, and we resolved it, but I think the tension made her back out. I was really crushed when she broke up with me. But again, she just didn’t want to risk being vulnerable again.

I tried really hard to be friends with her. She still called nearly every day, most times with a new story about how her ex was making her life miserable. And she’d listen to my problems too. It was hard for me to keep my feelings subdued, but at the time, it was just too hard to say goodbye to her. I wasn’t even sure if a goodbye was necessary.

A couple months later, she finally had some room in her schedule for us to hang out. I was so happy because it had been so long since we last saw each other. But the night before, she called me to cancel. I was really hurt. I challenged her on it, told her that she was pushing me away on purpose, and that I didn’t think we should talk for awhile. She was really hurt over that. But I didn’t feel like hurting anymore. I just wanted distance from her so I could get on with my life.

An agonizing two days later (remember we normally talk every day), she IM’d me, asking me not to log off. And she told me she had seen the sun rise over the marina when she went to work and she was wishing that I was there with her to see it. She said that she had some time to really think about what I meant to her and how I felt about her, and that she’d even been crying the night before. My God, this woman never cries. So that surprised me. She just spilled everything, about how she was guarded and that she just wanted to see where things went with us. And that she’d bought a train ticket to come see me that week and she wouldn’t take no for an answer. I was so happy when she said that. I was thinking, there is a chance for us after all. The weight on my spirit just lifted.

The next day, she reminded me of something she’d told me earlier on. That she might be relocating out of state next year because of school. The weight on my spirit returned. I didn’t want a long distance relationship, but she said that we could visit each other. And if I couldn’t come to her then she could come to California once or twice a month. I asked her, with a lot of trepidation, “Are we dating? Because this is normally a discussion a couple would have.” She said that she still wanted to see how things went with us….which was a noncommittal answer. But seeing as she might be flying away soon, I guess there was no way to really know for sure what would happen.

So that leads me to now. I did see her over the weekend. Every time we get together I feel I love her some more. We cuddled in the movie theater and I kissed her, I mean really kissed her, for the first time. But this all just seems so impossible to me. I want to be in a relationship with her, but at the same time I don’t think it’s a good idea to try again. Not while she’s living with her ex. Not that I think there is anything going on between them. Lisa is transparent and always has been. But I don’t think that we would make a good couple with all that drama still close at hand and fresh in her mind. I’ve gotten use to her being busy…she calls me all the time, which is fine for me. But she might be moving soon…it’s just that her life is moving around so much and it doesn’t really have a place for me in it. Even though she wants me to be a part of it…I guess. *sigh*

I don’t know what to do. I’ve never loved anyone so much in my life. I try to focus on other things but my mind always comes back to her. Always waiting for her call. Always thinking about the future. I can barely picture my life without her in it. What on earth should I do? Cut her off completely? Still be friends and give up hope on romance? Wait and see what happens? Like I said, I never saw this coming (to which Lisa would reply “that’s because you’re not a psychic pornstar.” *snicker*). It was hard for me to admit that I loved another woman in the first placenow I’m wondering if I ever should have taken that leap at all.

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9 thoughts on “I fell in love with a girl, and I can’t have her. (This is a bit longer than a blurb…)

  1. faraday says:

    [I think when a person likes you, they don’t want to date other people…they don’t want you to date other people….They want you to themselves.

    I think Lisa likes the attention that you give her. I think she likes you as a person. But I don’t think she wants to be with you. I’m sorry.

    Your best course of action, imo, is to walk away from this. It will be the hardest thing you’ll ever do. But sticking around waiting for someone to change their mind rarely works…and you will get hurt. She’s stringing you along. It’s best to cut it before it’s strung out over the next year 😦

  2. DavidIsGreat says:

    [Faraday said it incredibly well.

    She probably likes you a lot, maybe loves you a little, but doesn’t sound like she’s in this for a long committed relationship with you. Don’t be the only person in a relationship.

    Probably a smart idea to move on and preserve the memories. Sorry.

  3. Matt Sanchelli says:

    [I have to disagree with what has been said so far. This situation doesn’t seem like a situation where Lisa wants to date other people, or see other people, or an instance of just wanting the attention.

    From what Corina has told us ‘unknown’ element to this relationship stems largely from:
    -school and studies
    -proximity
    -possible relocation
    -horrid ex
    -still living with horrid ex

    All of those things tell me that Lisa is scared. Scared of being vulnerable. Scared of getting hurt, or even possibly hurting someone. Scared that things won’t work out, or scared that they will work out and then she’ll move farther away in the next year.

    I think those are the things that need to be looked at. What is the reality of a future together and how confident are you in her feelings for you should all of the “star align”?

    If you know how you feel you need to consider (another list…sorry):
    -Are her feelings for you just as “pure”?
    -How would the two of you make it work when she’s moved? Would one of you be willing to relocate if things went long term?
    -Do you believe things will get better once the ex is out of the picture completely?
    -How hurt is she by the ex and that relationship? How much time will she need to deal with those “demons” but most important how long are you willing to give her? (I say that because you can not wait around forever and some people need to eventually trust in what is right in front of them).

  4. Dennis Hong says:

    [Thanks for sharing that, Corina. I know this must be a horrible position to be in, but believe it or not, I feel like I can commiserate with you. Eons ago, I fell in love (or thought I did) for a bisexual girl who was still living with her ex-girflriend when we got together. In fact, I’m pretty sure this is the article you read on my blog that led you to LemonVibe.

    Anyway, I’d never been involved in a relationship that intense, and it was… well, overwhelming. I’d never felt such a strong attachment to anyone that quickly. Ultimately, though, the drama was just too much, and it ended up being a pretty nasty and painful breakup.

    The reason I’m bringing this up is that, since that relationship, I’ve started to believe that some people are just naturally intense in their relationships. Whether in themselves or in those they’re intimate with, they just swirl up this storm of emotions that can be incredibly difficult to control. Yes, the feelings can be wonderful when you’re with them and it’s all “working out.” But the flip side is that, when it’s *not* working out, it can be heartwrenching.

    Is it possible that Lisa is one of these people?

    I’ve also read that, in general, lesbian relationships tend to be much more intense and emotional. Given that this is your first, and given my first and only experience dating a, uh, reformed lesbian, I wonder if part of the reason you’re having such a hard time isn’t necessarily Lisa, per se, but just the newness of being with a woman.

    Of course, I’m not saying this to discount your feelings toward her. I’m not doubting that you truly love her. I’m just throwing these possibilities out there because maybe, just maybe, they might help you cope with the intensity of your emotions. Because if you can’t figure out what to do about your relationship with her, then maybe some awareness of why you might be feeling such intense emotions will help you stay, well, sane.

    Good luck on this either way, though. Sorry I couldn’t offer any solutions.

  5. Shelly says:

    [What struck me about this blurb is this entire relationship has been electronic except for a few brief meetings. It’s almost as if it was a fantasy type of flirting and relationship (no intent) until you mentioned you were in love with her, which obviously was unsettling to her. It could be for any of the reasons others have mentioned – she wants attention, she’s scared and doesn’t want to be vulnerable, etc. At this point, you need to either 1) end things now or 2) move things along to see if there is any substance to the feelings. This isn’t just for her – it’s for both of you as you have this romanticized view of who she is, which may or may not be true.

  6. Maracuya says:

    [I just have to say this sounds like a high school romance. I don’t mean that in a bad way, just that it reads as intense, all-consuming type of infatuation. It could lead to you getting really hurt. She’s non-committal and perhaps she’s just confused, or doesn’t want to be in another relationship that ended like with her ex. Maybe she’s not interested or she doesn’t know if she really can do a long-distance relationship. Maybe she’s afraid since you’re a new-found bisexual that you might just change your mind. There are a load of possibilities.

    I think you should concentrate on protecting your feelings. If you saw a friend in a similar situation what would you say to them? Reading your blurb, I feel like telling you that you need to pull out of the crush and forget about her for a while. Because if she does reciprocate your feelings then, that’s great. But I think it’s better to prepare yourself for the possibility she won’t. If you feed the intensity of this attachment and she doesn’t want a relationship, it will really make you depressed.

  7. Jasmine says:

    [Hi! Your relationship definately seems intense, and its always hard to start a new relationship when there are so many challenging outside factors. Isn’t that always the way of things- you finally get your career together, decide to make a big leap since you have no ties, and then meet an amazing person the week before you leave town!
    Just something that strikes me here: many of my gay friends are hesitant to be someone’s “first.” Can you imagine what it would be like if you were dating a man and after 3 years he tells you he’s gay. Well, now think how it would be if you had a male gay friend tell you they aren’t gay and are in love with you. Would you maybe fear that at some point they would say, “oops, just kidding, I am gay and you have never satisfied me.” This could be what’s happening. She could just be waiting for the shoe to drop- she likes you, she’s told you so, but what if she changes her entire life plan to be with you and you decide that you are straight after all?
    Just a thought. In the meantime, you now know how men feel dating us!
    Best of luck!

  8. Corina says:

    [Hey Jasmine…a definite YES to your first paragraph. I’ve been avoiding dating just for that reason. I’m planning to move abroad for a year and I didn’t want to date for that reason…I didn’t want to complicate things. Lisa kinda just dropped in my lap though..and in turn I dropped into hers. 🙂

    I can very much understand your second paragraph. If I were in her shoes, I would have that concern too. About this time last year I was in a long distance relationship with a guy from the country I am moving to, and I would always tell her the ups and downs of that relationship. It could be she’s expecting that I’ll want to get back with that guy…hmm, well. More reason for me not to pressure her too much.

  9. Jacs77 says:

    [I wouldn’t commit yourself to her, or miss out on anything else the Universe has to offer while ‘waiting’ for her to move out from her ex. Everyone has somewhere to go, you just have to search hard to find a place that suits you and your needs. If your opinion and you being in her life matters to a point where she can’t live without you, she would make moving out a priority. You can’t explain who you love and why you love them to a stranger, so its hardest to ask for unbiased advice, however – she seems like an amazing woman and you are lucky to be in each others lifes. Once the semantics are over, you will be able to make an informed decision about where you guys stand in each others lives. Get rid of all the BS surrounding you guys, and then just stand in front of each other and ask yourselves if you can be together. The answer will be right there. I promise.

    🙂

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