Hi. Well I’m going through a hard dilemma. I’ve been dating this girl for about 2 months. She’s 23, I’m 28. We have the best time together. We decided to commit to each other for about a couple of weeks now, so we’re officially in a relationship. Things are going well, despite our differences.
A couple of days ago, she started asking me about how many girls I have kissed in my life, and with how many girls I’ve had sex. My answer to the latter question was “well with all of my girlfriends, which amounts to 6 probably”. Her reply left me cold. “Well I don’t do that. I can do many things, but not that (sex). So you’re still on time to change your mind, if you don’t want to continue with me”.
Is this normal? And I ask this in the most respectful way. Why would a 23 year old woman wouldn’t want to share her intimacy? I must sound like a stupid kid, but I’m 28 and I find sex as something essential in any adult relationship. I know I should talk all of this with her, but I could certainly use some advice. I really like her, and probably am falling in love with her. But at the same time, I don’t know how to manage the idea of no sex? Any advice?
LemonVibe 
[As long as you make it clear that you’re doing so for the purpose of respectful discussion and are not trying to change her mind, I think it’s worth asking her what her views on sex are. It sounds like this is a talk you two definitely need to have before continuing with the relationship.
Ultimately, though, you have to assume that she’s not going to change her mind. So, I think you have to ask yourself if you’re willing to wait for her. That’s not a question any of us can answer for you.
As for how to manage the idea of no sex….
Umm, porn? 😉
[Well, it sounds kind of harsh to say “Is this normal?” You’re pretty much implying there’s something wrong with it. I don’t hold those views, and I’d wager to say most people in their 20s have premarital sex but I wouldn’t belittle her because she doesn’t.
I would wager she might not change her mind. She probably brought up that discussion herself because she wanted to lay her cards out on the table. I think you really have to consider if no premarital sex would be a dealbreaker for you.
[Ask her what her reasons are. Maybe it’s for religious reasons, maybe she wants to wait until being with someone for a long time before having sex, maybe it’s a different reason. Try to see her side of things a and hear her out. But if you know that never being able to have sex with her would be an issue, then maybe you should move on while things are still new. Otherwise you might end up resenting each other because you would always want it, and she wouldn’t.
[The thing is, that’s her decision to make. She was honest enough to let you know this, although I think waiting two months before doing so seems odd, like sex conversation would have come up at some point.
So crude as it may sound, if you can’t abstain, this might not be the relationship for you.
Think of it like two people, one wants a lot of kids, the other never wants them. Both parties have to be on the same page.
[Yes, it’s a little odd, but I’m sure she has her reasons, and you’re either going to have to blindly respect them, or ask her what they are. Ask her why she feels like she does, and then figure out if you’re willing to go along with it. If you’re not, move on, and get over it.
It seems pretty evident to me that you two aren’t quite on the same wavelength. So sit, discuss, and decide. It’s really quite simple.
[You say you find sex fairly essential to a relationship, she said she doesn’t.
That’s a difference of opinion on what’s important, there’s nothing wrong with that. But like others have said, she probably isn’t going to change her mind. If you’re not getting something you personally find important out of a relationship, is that really a relationship you’re going to enjoy?
Then again, Dennis makes a good point. You did post this on the internet, there’s a lot of boobies on the internet.
[Wait- you have been dating this girl for 2 months and just now you are finding out she doesn’t “do” sex? And then you decided to commit to each other but there is still no sex? And she is 23? Are you sure she wasn’t asking about something specific, like oral (or anal?) “Do many things but not that”? What does that mean?
Shoot, I am not even in a relationship with this girl and I want to have the talk with her. Get some info, pronto!
[On a scale of 1 to 10, how important is it to you that your GF knows how to cook? Maybe a 5? OK, what if I told you that you could ONLY eat things she cooked for as long as you were together? All of a sudden it’s 9.9… don’t underestimate sexual compatibility, after all, it’s the one thing (generally) that we agree not to do with anyone else once we commit to someone in that way. I’m not saying to base everything on it, but don’t downplay it’s importance in a mature adult relationship. To get married without having sex would be like buying a car for a lifetime without test driving it… it may look great, but until you drive it you can’t know how it will handle.
[LIke Dennis said, there’s no harm in talking about this, as long as it’s an open discussion and doesn’t come off like you’re accusing her of being a prude or weird or anything like that. Different people like different things and place different values on intimacy, so sex just may be something she’s not going to do with anyone she’s not really serious about, or not going to marry. Maybe it’ll take her more than two months, maybe it’ll take until there’s a ring on her finger, who knows. Just talk to her about it.
But (again, like Dennis said), whatever she says, don’t for a second think she’s going to change her mind or that you can change it for her. That might happen, sure, but you can’t go into the relationship planning to change her mind. If you choose to continue seeing her, it’s got to be because you want to be with her, with or without sex.
[Like David said above the two of you definitely have to be on the same page if any of this, particularly the relationship, is going to work out.
The two of you definitely need to have a conversation and decide what is going to work. Talk about why she is abstaining (tactfully). Explain to her why you find sex in a relationship important. Keep any and all answers civil and non-accusatory. This is simply something that will allow each of you to learn more about the other person.
You probably aren’t going to be able to change her mind on anything, as that is for her to decide. And I’m sure the same stands for you…she may not be able to change your mind…it’s a matter of what you think you’ll be able to handle and can live with.
[Just wanted to say I really appreciate all of your comments and opinions. Believe me, I have read and considered your words and feel your empathy. I know it is a sensitive subject, and I’m trying to do the best of the situation. I’m looking out for both of us, trying to make things work, ’cause I really love this girl.
Thanks Dennis, Maracuya, Solstice, David, karlos, resullins, Jasmine, Alamo, Happy Pants and Parker, for being there 🙂
[I have yet to understand how you are together with someone for 2 months and are just finding out about this important life decision. Like, oh and by the way…this might not matter, but you should know I was a man until 3 years ago. I guess it could just be me, but by the time I am with someone for a couple months, I feel like I should know about these important things.
Ok. Thanks for letting me vent about that. Talk with her. But I will be honest. I think this might not be a lasting relationship. Not just for the fact that she didn’t share this very important piece of information, but for what that piece of info means to a relationship. I begin to wonder what else she isn’t sharing.
[Based on the manner in which this topic came up (and the length of time that you were together before you were aware of her opinion) and her very immature reaction to your answer, you guys appear to lack some basic communication skills. Her reaction is not one that you’d expect for someone who is 23 years old and who doesn’t have an issue with any other sex act. Your reaction of just listening but not asking her why she feels that way about sex is concerning, as well.
Open up the lines of communication and talk to her about this. It’s a potential deal breaker in the relationship, so it’s very important to address it.