So I’m still thinking about this guy that I had a wonderful time with but who never got back to me. Obviously he isn’t the right person for me if he didn’t get back to me. But in my head I keep thinking about what things would be like if we did date, if we did try to make things work and see what happened…I don’t know him well enough to call him “the one that got away”, but it made me think about that premise. Is there anyone who you wished it had worked out with, or who you wanted a true shot with, or who you could’ve had a shot with but blew it? Is there someone who you still think about whenever you meet someone new, and you compare them to each other? I just feel like anyone I happen to date now, I’m going to compare to this guy that I’m pining after and think about how much more awesome that guy is. Laaaaaaame, I know. And if you have advice for forgetting and moving on…let me know. I know it’s easy to say “But he didn’t get back to you! He’s not interested! Move on!” but it’s much easier said than done.
LemonVibe 
[As for comparing people, I don’t like to do it—what’s the point? People aren’t comparable like laundry detergent or mattresses. You can’t look at their fact sheets and pick a person out based on an arbitrary list of criteria. I can look at a guy and think, “yeah, he’s definitely better for me than my ex,” but a better person? Eh… how do you even judge that, barring abuse?
As for former loves, there are categories. Exes are exes for a reason, and I don’t spend much time wondering about how things would have ended up. Miserable and resentful and possible broken eardrums from shouting at each other, that’s how.
Everyone else—I’ll wonder about it, but again, if it just doesn’t work out, why bother thinking about it when I could devote my time and energy to something more worthwhile? I’ll find myself daydreaming about so-and-so, but then I’ll have to snap out of it and remind myself that what I’m thinking isn’t realistic or feasible, and I have to deal with what the real world gives me.
Of course, that doesn’t always stop me from going out of my way to try to make those daydreams happen. I’m a sucker for a good love story, what can I say?
[It is so much easier said than done. Especially because you didn’t go through the whole relationship process. With that, you would have had the beginning, middle and end. And here it seems like maybe you had a beginning and kind of an end. So in your mind, you start playing the “what if” game. What if we had gone on another date? What if we had gotten serious? You know the game. You are currently living it. And the imagination has a way of really running wild.
I’m guilty. I’ve done it. I’ve played the game. But really, it’s kind of a pointless game to play. No amount of “what if” is going to change the situation. And if you play for too long, you end up closing yourself off to other potential suitors.
So here it is. Stop. And why would you compare this guy to someone else? How wonderful is this guy if he never got back to you? You had an idea of who this guy was, but it was wrong. If he was so wonderful and you two had the best time of your lives, you might still be dating. But right now, you are focusing on the idea of a person who is not in your life and probably never will be again. It can be nice to live in an “unreality” because you can’t be hurt there. But make efforts to go out with your friends, to find a new hobby(where you might meet a new guy), or maybe try an online dating site.
I have a saying. “Ride the mile that you are in.” It means focus on where you are now. Thinking about where you were or where you are going takes away the moment you have now. And really, that’s all you are promised. Right now.
[I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. There is one man in particular with whom I have the exact problem. We dated briefly a couple of years ago. He was not in a good place emotionally to begin a relationship (he had just graduated law school and couldn’t find a job and his father was dying of cancer). When things ended it was because of external forces, not because we didn’t get along or had a falling out. Because of that lack of closure, I have ameliorated him in my mind. It doesn’t help that he’ll periodically mind worm his way back into my brain with a text or facebook add.
My head recognizes that if he wanted to see me, he’d see me. And if he were as awesome as my memory makes him, he’d recognize what a gem I am. But the stupid girl in me always gets caught on the “what ifs.” After two years of this I have no good advice for you, but I can commiserate with you over our ridiculous feelings.
[I know! Write all your fantasizing down in novel form, throw in some great sex scenes and who knows- maybe you’ll have a best seller on your hands. Then this story will be some funny anecdote you tell on Ellen.
[You’re comparing people to an illusion or fantasy. You don’t know what this “one who got away” was really like because you truly didn’t get to know him well enough. You are holding the illusion/fantasy of what you’d like him to be on a pedestal and you are crushing on THAT.
[I have one that got away.
She was from the Falklands (which has a tiny population). I did the math and the actual odds of us meeting were so small I had to stroke my calculater to see the numbers clearly. She went away for a few months and I was bad at keeping in touch, we broke up as a result.
We still talk every now and again and I always wonder what would have happened if I had a better webcam.