We all value the opinions of our friends and I suppose, at times, we give our friends more power in our lives based on the circumstance.
Sure we all are likely to lend an ear to a friend who says, “I have a friend I want you to meet. I think the two of you could really hit it off.”
On the opposite of that we may even consider things when they say something like, “Hey, about ______. I know you really like her but I have my reservations. [Insert reasoning here].”
My question is a more blunt interpretation of the second one.
Would you/should you let a friend tell you, outright, that you can’t date someone. Maybe they would even put it as you are not allowed to date a particular person.
And, take it up another notch. This friend (and in this case I am using that label loosely) presents to you an ultimatum. You can choose to date the girl/guy of interest which would result in them no longer being your friend. Or, you can agree not to date this person of interest and your friend can continue to call you friend.
What are your thoughts?
Personally, I don’t do ultimatums well. And in most (if not all cases), the person who dished out the ultimatum usually loses. Using this example, if a friend asked me to choose between them and someone else; to me that isn’t something a real friend would do and there’s more going on behind the curtain than what they are letting me seen. But in either case, you tell me I have to make a choice it 99.9% isn’t going to be you.
What if you met this guy/girl you like through said friend, would change your outlook on this?
LemonVibe 
[I like to think that my friends have my best interest at heart, and would never come to me with concerns about not liking someone I’m dating simply because they’re jealous or don’t think he’s good enough for me. Only if they thought my physical, mental, or emotional well-being were at stake would they tell me they didn’t approve. So when friends do approach me with concerns, I take them into consideration because I know they thought long and hard before coming to me with them, but ultimately I make my own decisions.
That said, I agree that I wouldn’t consider someone who issues me an ultimatum a friend. Unless there’s an issue of abuse (physical, emotional, substance, etc.), any sort of ultimatum seems immature and born out of jealousy.
Oh, and the same goes if the tables were turned—i.e. if my S.O. told me I had to stop hanging out with a certain friend. Yeah… no.
[The only time you should tell a friend to not date someone is you have proof they’re a murderer, thief, or know they’ve cheated on your friend. Any other reasons aren’t really acceptable.
My best guy friend got into an argument with my ex one night, and my guy friend said he wasn’t going to talk to me as long as I was still dating this guy. My ex and I eventually broke up, and my friend did contact me a couple of months down the line and we made amends. But my friend’s reasons for why I shouldn’t be with the guy weren’t why we broke up. Just because my friend didn’t like the guy doesn’t mean that he wouldn’t be the right guy for me, necessarily. And while he is still my best guy friend, I learned not to share as much with him as I used to, regarding my love life. If multiple friends of mine voiced concern about a guy being a huge asshole or something, then I’d take note. But if one friend doesn’t like the guy I’m dating, well, they don’t have to. Not my problem.
[There are friends I’ve known for 10 years. So unless I was involved with a girl or incredibly effeminate man for less than that, I’d probably listen to them. Although the reason would have to be better than, you can do better.
Because, they don’t know that. Saying “You could do better” is effectively the same as saying, “You could get punched in face by a bear tomorrow”. It’s a totally useless sentiment unless the person saying it can see into the future and if you have a friend who can see into the future, you’d be too busy winning all the lotteries to talk about relationships.
[I’ve been there. After my 2nd divorce, a male friend of mine was pressuring me to date lawyers/doctors. Basically, anyone he thought would make a lot of money so I wouldn’t have to worry about child support.
I started dating my SO, and he would try to find reasons why I shouldn’t date him (reasons included: he doesn’t make enough money, he’s damaged goods because he just got out of the military, he’s not pagan, his car is super small and it’s a chick car, etc). He did give me an ultimatum and I flat out told him that my life isn’t dictated by other people’s opinions. I would do what I wanted and if he didn’t like it, well, he didn’t need to associate with me anymore.
It’s been 5 years, and while I miss him on occasion, I think it was for the best. I personally think that because he liked me (his mom refused to allow him to date me when we were in high school together, and then I was married for so long and neither of us were ever single at the same time), he wanted me to stay available just in case. I’m still with the SO that he insisted was bad for me. We’re happy and everything is fine.
[I’ve had a similarly veined situation. I had a friend whose boyfriend gave her an ultimatum where she could either be friends with me or date him. She ultimately chose him and now I know what a poor friend she was.
[I generally trust my friends’ judgement. If they issued an ultimatum, I would assume it was because A) they saw something harmful in the person that I didn’t see, or B) they had some sort of personal issue with me dating the person, like maybe it if it was their ex. I would listen to an actual trusted friend, assuming it was the beginning of the relationship and that the friendship was more important to me than the new person. And if it was a personal issue for them, I would probably just acknowledge that it was unusual for the friend to oppose my potential happiness, so clearly their feelings were very strong. Ultimately, a true friend is more valuable than a potential date I’m not even that familiar with yet. Now if the relationship had been going on for a while and was very serious and happy? The friend would just have to get over it.
[I think the reasons behind the ultimatum are extremely important. I’ve been the person being given the ultimatum and the reasons where pretty crappy. They just didn’t get along and my friend wasn’t his biggest fan, but she didn’t have any real reasons. The hardest thing to learn is that your friends and your significant others aren’t always going to be great friends. And that’s ok. My friend couldn’t handle the idea that she and my boyfriend weren’t going to be friends. I never chose one over the other, however she often saw me hanging out with him as choosing him over her because she didn’t like him. When she told me I had to choose I pretty much told her that I wasn’t going to do that and that I could keep up my friendship with her while dating my now husband. She didn’t stick around, but he did.
Now it does get complicated when they set you up. But, eventually they have to learn that they don’t get to dictate how your relationship pans out.
Obviously if the new bf/gf is doing things that warrant caution, it’s different.