Choosing Love, New Relationships, Priorities

I am simultaneously terrified and extremely desiring of the thing that I want most out of life.

The scariest thing right now, is that I can choose to have it, or not. That’s right, you guessed it, it’s love.

So first off, letís talk about this choice thing. I have always thought that you do in fact have a good bit of control over who you love. Or I do anyway. Who you like? No choice there, that just happens naturally. But for me, when Iím into someone, I can start to feel myself slipping, and at that point, I need to make a choice. Dive in and allow myself to feel it, or back away quickly.

So about 2 months ago, I met this amazing man. I wasnít that physically attracted to him initially (although he is by no means unattractive), but his personality shone so bright, I went with it anyway. Iím not even going to go into his amazingness, because one womanís trash and whatnot, and yíall know what an amazing person is like to you, just interject that image here.

Even though heís clearly expressed a strong interest in me, Iím so afraid to dive in. I have told him this. I want to get more serious with him, I want him to be a bigger part of my life, but I am just so scared of letting myself feel more than ďreally liking him.Ē

But every once in a while (okay, probably more like several times a week), I feel like Iím ready. I feel like Iím going to go over to his house, kiss him, hug him, and tell him I love him.

And Iím pretty sure heíd be really into that.

But then, something happens that makes me doubt it. Like last night. We had made very vague plans, as we tend to do, but then I never heard from him. I sent him a text around 10, asking if we were gonna hang out that night, and got no response. He texted me the next morning, apologizing, saying he went to bed right after getting home from kayaking (the thing he was gonna do right before we met up), and that he had sent a text but it didnít come through. Okay, so this wasnít really his fault, but it still caused me to feel disappointed and rejected all night.

And the thing is, in the 2 months weíve been seeing each other, this type of thing has probably already happened several times.

A very related red flag: most of the casual plans we do make are of the sort where heís doing a thing with his friends (usually kayaking), and heíll call and hang out when heís done. Which of course always takes longer than he thinks it will. And of course heís always exhausted by then too. Mostly, I think the way he lives his life is great, being so active and spending so much time with his friends. Shoot, Iím jealous, I wish I had a group of friends that was so passionate about an activity that we wanted to do it together every day (sitting on the porch does not count). But Iím just starting to wonder where I fit in there. And I guess this is just another conversation he and I need to have. If he wants me in his life, maybe he can once or twice a week NOT go kayaking before hanging out with me. But then I feel like Iím asking him to change the way he lives his life (which I certainly would be), which Iím pretty sure that Iím not okay with.

So what should I do? Talk to him of course. Let him know what Iím going though, and how cancelled plans and tacking me on at the very end of the day makes me feel. Maybe we should try making more concrete plans in the future? I donít know, that’s why I’m here.

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9 thoughts on “Choosing Love, New Relationships, Priorities

  1. lilredbmw says:

    [I would be afraid to dive in as well. It sounds like you are getting mixed messages from him. On the one hand, he shows an interest in you. But then when you make plans, they either fall through or really aren’t that great because his previous plans left him exhausted. He is not making you a priority. He is “fitting you in” sometimes. I would be careful of diving in at this point. This looks like it might not be a safe bet. A guy who really cares will make you a priority. Maybe you just need to talk with him and he will realize that you do want to be in his life. Maybe he is getting the impression from you you that you aren’t really that in to him. Maybe he doesn’t know where you two stand so he invites you out with his friends to be safe. I don’t know. But, as an outsider looking in, it seems as if you might want to play it safe for a while longer. Red flags so early on tend to say something…

  2. DavidIsGreat says:

    [I feel like you should take a leap and try and tell him you want more. If he’s not interest you’ll know. But that also means you won’t wonder and won’t have this unrequited love thing going on. Which should be a relief.

    I hope your guy does want more and it works out, but even if it doesn’t, you will be able to move on because you won’t be the only one in this.

    Also, if you’re going this way, I wouldn’t make a big deal about the seeing him after his friends thing. You aren’t currently dating. He probably thinks he’s “just a friend” based on what you’ve mentioned. If he wants a relationship once you’re in it he shouldn’t do that anymore, but it doesn’t seem fair to fault him for not treating you like a girlfriend yet.

    Hope it works out one way or another.

  3. Claudia says:

    [Saying he’s really into you is easy. Saying you are the bestest person in the world is easy. TREATING you like you matter to him isn’t. From just what you’ve told us, it sounds like he’s just talking rubbish.

    If he was really interested in you, he wouldn’t blow you off. He wouldn’t plan things after crazy adventures where he might not be putting in his full effort. He would be taking you on proper dates, not just hang out when he has time.

    No. You would not be asking him to change his life. Self-centered or those not really that interested in putting in an effort for someone would call it that. You would be asking him to find a place in his life for you. Which is what you do in a relationship. A healthy one at least.

    And that’s coming from someone who’s usually over thinking everything and giving everyone the benefit out of the doubt.

    He’s just not that into you. And I think some part of you already knows that

  4. Happy Pants says:

    [You need to talk to him. Two months is too long to put up with mixed signals, or at least too long to put up with whatever it is he’s doing. Talk to him. If he feels the same way, great. If not, greatóyou can move on and find someone who will treat you the way you want, deserve, and need to be treated.

    (For what it’s worth, I agree with Claudia that he’s probably not as into you as you are into him.)

  5. AboDabo says:

    [Okay, well the safe sex thing isn’t really my question, and not really something I’m looking for opinions on. But thank you for offering your input.

    I think he’s “blowing me off” because he’s overbooked and tired because he tries to fit so many things in his life. As you have pointed out, it does look like right now I’m low on his list, but from past conversations and actions (family involvement, studying tantra together), I do know that he is interested in some sort of relationship.

    I guess I will just have to talk with him and see how he’s feeling about things, and maybe even then really only time will tell.

  6. AKchic says:

    [To me, this sounds like a no-strings-attached FWB type thing. He goes out, has fun with his friends and then gets to kick-it with a chick who’s willing to learn tantric sex in order to have better sex, who’s willing to go off-condom (because she’s got an IUD and can therefore be 100% responsible for her own birth control and possibly drop you with the blame should the IUD fail) and TRUST him when the relationship is still NEW… uh… what?!

    Sweetie… you’re rushing into the wrong things here. Stay on the damned condoms. Just in case. He may say he isn’t seeing anyone else, but he can’t prove it. Right now, you’re not exactly a priority for him, which isn’t a relationship. It’s a fuck-buddy. Sure, fuck-buddies can develope into relationships (I’m marrying mine after 5 years of being together), but many don’t. Many end up hurting you because you don’t really know what they are.

  7. AboDabo says:

    [As stated in my reply to AKchic (which was really a general response to everyone), I alluded that the situation is much more complex than I had originally presented (as is probably the case with most adult relationships), well here’s another layer of complexity that I tried to keep out of the conversation because I was trying to isolate and simplify the situation, and because of it’s inflammatory nature, but here goes:

    I’m polyamorous. I don’t do monogamy. Hi haters.

    I’m not looking to defend myself to anybody or convert anyone. My partners all know this, and if they aren’t okay with it right off the bat, then we don’t date, easy as that. Some people will (and have) call me a slut, I say fuck them for slut-shaming. There’s nothing inherently wrong with having sex with multiple people, as long as you are safe(er)*, open, and honest. That said, my identity as poly is absolutely not all about sex, but about freedom, independence, interconnectedness, and dealing with socialized feelings of jealousy, ownership in relationships, and altruism. Well here I am defending myself already. Enough of that.

    How my partner and I decided to handle safe sex, as long as it’s not a question I’m putting out there, is our deal, not yours, and if we agree that it works for us (which we do), then it’s really nunya(business).

    So what do y’all think? Is the lemon-vibe community accepting enough to recognize that there is more that one way to do a relationship, and attempt to provide helpful advice to someone who actively tries to ignore social scripts regarding sex and relationships and forge her own path? Or would I be better off finding a poly-advice site?

    *There is no 100% safe sex.

  8. DavidIsGreat says:

    [On another note, I think that your poly point of view can actually offer a lot of insight and experience on Lemonvibe.

    Please keep posting, but maybe keep an open mind too? I don’t think people are looking to slam you. But this is a group that can be blunt (and encouraged to be), so you’ll get advice that you might not be looking for. It’s coming from a place of good intention. Feel free to use or discard any of it.

  9. Sparrow says:

    [I don’t have a problem with polyamory and hope you stay simply because you seem like an intelligent, thoughtful person, no matter your personal preferences.

    I wish to address one thing you mentioned about your guy – that he indicated he was interested in a serious relationship based on his eagerness to participate in more personal activities with you, like meeting your family. My sister has dated a few guys who gave the same signals and did meet her family, including me and her kids, and then it turned out they were only interested in being friends-with-benefits. So I only wanted to say that, from real experience, people can give very convincing false signals.

    Now that you and your guy have talked and established you are in a relationship, this is not a concern in your situation, but I wanted to put it out there for any future cases or other people reading.

    (Also, my sister’s suitors had told her things like “I’m looking for a relationship, let’s date and see where this goes,” and then when it came time to have The Talk and decide if there was a future for more, the guys would said no, except could they still be FWB? Which I guess isn’t such a big deal – I don’t have a problem with FWB – but it is a problem right after a girl just told you she has feelings for you. Geez. /rant)

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