I am simultaneously terrified and extremely desiring of the thing that I want most out of life.
The scariest thing right now, is that I can choose to have it, or not. That’s right, you guessed it, it’s love.
So first off, letís talk about this choice thing. I have always thought that you do in fact have a good bit of control over who you love. Or I do anyway. Who you like? No choice there, that just happens naturally. But for me, when Iím into someone, I can start to feel myself slipping, and at that point, I need to make a choice. Dive in and allow myself to feel it, or back away quickly.
So about 2 months ago, I met this amazing man. I wasnít that physically attracted to him initially (although he is by no means unattractive), but his personality shone so bright, I went with it anyway. Iím not even going to go into his amazingness, because one womanís trash and whatnot, and yíall know what an amazing person is like to you, just interject that image here.
Even though heís clearly expressed a strong interest in me, Iím so afraid to dive in. I have told him this. I want to get more serious with him, I want him to be a bigger part of my life, but I am just so scared of letting myself feel more than ďreally liking him.Ē
But every once in a while (okay, probably more like several times a week), I feel like Iím ready. I feel like Iím going to go over to his house, kiss him, hug him, and tell him I love him.
And Iím pretty sure heíd be really into that.
But then, something happens that makes me doubt it. Like last night. We had made very vague plans, as we tend to do, but then I never heard from him. I sent him a text around 10, asking if we were gonna hang out that night, and got no response. He texted me the next morning, apologizing, saying he went to bed right after getting home from kayaking (the thing he was gonna do right before we met up), and that he had sent a text but it didnít come through. Okay, so this wasnít really his fault, but it still caused me to feel disappointed and rejected all night.
And the thing is, in the 2 months weíve been seeing each other, this type of thing has probably already happened several times.
A very related red flag: most of the casual plans we do make are of the sort where heís doing a thing with his friends (usually kayaking), and heíll call and hang out when heís done. Which of course always takes longer than he thinks it will. And of course heís always exhausted by then too. Mostly, I think the way he lives his life is great, being so active and spending so much time with his friends. Shoot, Iím jealous, I wish I had a group of friends that was so passionate about an activity that we wanted to do it together every day (sitting on the porch does not count). But Iím just starting to wonder where I fit in there. And I guess this is just another conversation he and I need to have. If he wants me in his life, maybe he can once or twice a week NOT go kayaking before hanging out with me. But then I feel like Iím asking him to change the way he lives his life (which I certainly would be), which Iím pretty sure that Iím not okay with.
So what should I do? Talk to him of course. Let him know what Iím going though, and how cancelled plans and tacking me on at the very end of the day makes me feel. Maybe we should try making more concrete plans in the future? I donít know, that’s why I’m here.