. A few weeks ago I got a job at a restaurant. Unfortunately, as the newbie I have been given the late night closing shifts a few times since I started working. This restaurant is located in a medical center so parking is a tricky situation. Luckily, I go to a school that’s pretty close by and I have parking paid through for the year at the school. If I wanted parking in the medical center, it would be an enormous amount of money per month which I cannot afford. So, I’ve taken to parking at school and walking to the restaurant which is about a 10-13 minute walk away. I don’t carry anything particularly valuable on me and I always carry pepper spray.
This restaurant and school are by no means in a bad neighborhood, but my school has reported a few muggings at knife and gun point this past year along the street I walk due to the fact that the medical center has a sort of bus hub which brings all sorts of people to the area, good and bad.
I was told by somebody that it’s good to be on the phone if you’re alone at night because that means the person on the other line can call for help if anything happens. I asked my boyfriend, who is currently in another state, a while ago when I started working if he could try to be available around the time I get out so that I can call him and keep him on the line during the walk in case anything happens. I expressed that while I don’t think anything is going to happen to me, the street is very poorly lit and there are many areas where a potential attacker could hide and that I was worried about my safety. I thought that it’s better to be safe than sorry.
My boyfriend told me that he thought it’d be a great idea and that as long as I told him ahead of time during the day he’d make himself available at night when I needed him. These past few shifts, however, I’ve texted him before leaving the restaurant asking if he was available and he would say yes. As soon as I would call him, though, he’d tell me he’d either playing video or board games with friends, or hanging out playing pool/doing other things.
I felt badly that I was interrupting his game and I wanted to give him an out. There have been multiple times these past few closing shifts where he’s been busy doing things with his friends so he’s inconveniencing them. I expressed some concern for my safety to him and that I’d feel a lot safer if I was on the phone connected with him. I think it’s not fair to me that I would tell him ahead of time that I would like him to talk to me at the time I’d get out and he would agree, but then when it comes time for me to call him he’d be involved with doing something else and clearly not wanting to talk. It would be different if I would just call him out of the blue while he was with his friends, but before every shift I’ve told him I’d need him in a few hours, and he hasn’t set aside that time.
He’s done this at least four times now, and last night he did it again and it really bugged me. I called him last night and he was playing pool with friends. He said, oh I’m playing this game right now, can I call you back? After we went back and forth for a bit he hung up. Shortly afterwards I was approached by a creepy homeless guy. Luckily after I told the guy to back off he did after a few seconds, but he followed me for about a block before turning back around. I know that I probably wasn’t in any real danger, but I got really spooked by the experience. What if the guy was a lot more dedicated to getting money off of me than this guy was? What if I was attacked? Sometimes I think that maybe I’m just overreacting and that I’m probably going to be safe, but I think the fact that I expressed a bit of concern to my boyfriend and that I would feel a lot better if he’d be on the phone with me and he’s disregarding that is extremely irritating. When I asked him the past few times why he didn’t set aside the time like I asked, he said that “he forgot.”
What should I tell him? I’m afraid that he thinks that I’m overreacting about the area and that I would probably be fine which is why he’s disregarding my requests to have him on the phone. What do you people think?
tl;dr Boyfriend ignored my requests to have him call me while walking home late at night even though I told him I’d feel safer if he’d be on the phone with me.
LemonVibe 
[Before I answer the actual question about how to handle this particular situation with your boyfriend I would like to make a side note regarding the situation of you having to walk to your car late at night after closing at the restaurant.
This is a serious matter that needs to be addressed to your manager, or someone in charge at your restaurant. This is a serious safety concern and the management staff should be concerned about their employees. How many people do you close with? Would anyone be willing to walk you to your car? Better yet, would anyone be willing to drive you to your car?
When I worked at a KFC in college, even though we lived in a small mid-western town; we either all left together or if someone had to leave before everyone else was done we would watch that person until they drove off (and this was just walking across a parking lot).
So, first…please talk to someone at your work. You should not have to get to your car alone if your shift requires close late into the night.
As for your boyfriend, you need to address your feelings to him that you feel like he is discounting your safety when he agrees to take your call and then pulls a 180 when you actually call. Let him know you are genuinely concerned because of recent occurrences in the area (muggings, etc.) and it would make you feel that much more comfortable being on the phone with someone (something you have already told him).
I think what may be happening here is that he doesn’t think he can say ‘No’, when you contact him asking if he’ll be available that night. He may think you’ll be upset with him if he doesn’t make himself available when you need him to be. He may simply need you to explain to him that you understand that there may be nights that he has plans already and simply will not be available; at which he should be honest with you and let you know this, so you can try and call someone else to see if they will be available.
[I had to explain to my ex once why it wasn’t a good idea to leave me alone in his crappy van outside a bar in Venice at 1 in the morning while he loaded up his band gear, so… yeah, I think this is something guys just don’t think about all the time, because they don’t have to. You need to explain to him why you’re actually being reasonable in not wanting to walk completely alone at night. And yes, you might want to think about also talking to him about how he hasn’t kept his word, which is also a big problem.
But at the same time, is there anyone else you can call? Like theattack said, it is a little much for one person to do that every time. Do you have any friends who are free to talk to you at that point? It’s only ten minutes, after all. (Which brings it back to the boyfriend and how you need to talk to him about being generally crappy…)
[As someone who has had to walk through some brutally dangerous neighbourhoods, my best advice on that point is to walk like you belong there. Put your most confident face and stride on over your fear. The point is to not look like an easy mark. If you feel better with a phone up to your ear, you don’t actually have to be on the phone to deter them, they just have to think that you are. Being on the phone actually makes you less aware of your surroundings.
As for the boyfriend, he told you that he’d be there for you and then hasn’t. That’s a big blinking red flag. He may feel like he can’t say no at the time you ask, like Parker said, but why isn’t that stopping him when it really comes down to it? You did what he asked by letting him know ahead of time, but he can’t be bothered to follow through on his end?
It doesn’t actually matter if he thinks you are overreacting. You asked, he said yes, then it just was too inconvenient for him to step away for 10 min. That’s pretty damn selfish.
You need to talk to him. Tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable. Be calm about it and stand your ground.
[Have you told your boyfriend yet about the incident with the homeless man last night? If you tell him, then maybe he’ll realize that you could be in real danger and that he’d better be there for you to talk to when you’re walking alone. And tell him that he doesn’t have to be available to talk to every single night, obviously once in awhile he might have other plans. It’s probably late at night, but maybe there is a parent, relative, sibling, friend, or coworker that you can talk to for the 10-15 minutes if he isn’t available. But he should make himself available for most nights if he is concerned about your well being. It’s not really asking too much. And video games/board games aren’t the greatest excuse either, unless he has a bunch of friends over or something.
[I don’t think anyone has addressed the main point here. Your boyfriend stays up late at night playing boardgames with his friends? Unless he’s playing pokemon monopoly he needs to get his priorities straight.
[I’ve lived in some nasty neighborhoods. Gang activity, drugs, murders, rapes, robbery, etc. I’ve also lived in some nice neighborhoods and we had the same issues (plus wolves, hybrid wolf-dogs AND bears roaming the streets/yards).
Your boyfriend has backed out of talking with you at night while you walk home. It seems like a potentially dangerous situation already, regardless of who is on the other end of the line. Talk to your manager about the situation and see what can be done to allow you to park closer without having to risk an attack on a relatively unused (at that time of night) trail/sidewalk.
Also, arrange for a different person to be on the other end of that phone call. Personally, I don’t like being on the phone while walking around like that. It is a distraction from my surroundings. Sure, I’ll keep my phone open and ready to dial 911 if I am feeling vulnerable, but otherwise, I want to be able to HEAR my attacker coming. Your boyfriend (in another state) can’t really do much to help you if you get attacked while on the phone with him. He can call the police, but he won’t know EXACTLY where you are. All he can do is listen to the confrontation (if the would-be mugger hasn’t disconnected your call), or panic when the call disconnects. Depending on your phone, you could be inviting someone to approach you for things (fancy phone = money in criminal minds).
[I know it’s harsh. I know I’ll probably get heat. I apologize in advance. It’s time to move on to a new boyfriend, for so many reasons I don’t think you could even list them all. Boys will be boys, but you don’t have to accept it. Call a classmate if you really feel you need to talk to someone.
[I don’t even know what to say here. It’s obvious this issue is very important to you, and you explained you don’t feel safe, but it really bothers me that he dismisses your concerns. (Or that he doesn’t think they’re important. If he was REALLY concerned about it being dangerous, he’d probably suggest something along the lines of what Parker said–that you shouldn’t be out there alone at that time at all.
[First of all, I don’t really agree that one should be on the phone in order to be safe. Because if you are on the phone, then will you even hear if someone sneaks up on you? I would have my phone in hand, but I have actually heard the opposite of what you are doing. If I am in a place where I am concerned about being alone, I have my phone in hand, but I am never ON it. So that’s the first thing. The second is that this issue should be brought of with your place of work. Someone should be willing to walk with you, or drive you to you car. I believe that is their responsibilty as your employer. Third, it concerns me that your BF is blowing you off. You seem to really care about talking with him, and he just kind of brushes it off. Not cool. If he is really special to you, then sure, talk with him and see if things change. But if there are other things that are bothering you in the relationship, then I am afraid this could be the straw that broke the camel’s back. A significant other should take your feelings in to account.
[I do agree with AK Chic that your boyfriend probably can’t do that much in this situation. At the same time, I think you have to make it excruciatingly clear to him how serious an issue this could be. Because it’s just not something that guys are naturally going to get.
I remember when I was in college, a girl I had just met who lived in my apartment building once knocked on my door to ask me to walk her to her car. I obliged, but not before I kind of laughed at her. She was really cool about it, but she also explained to me how, as a guy, I probably never think about my safety at night, but as a girl, it’s something she has to think about constantly.
Since then, I’ve realized that this is something that a lot of guys just take for granted. So, it could be that your boyfriend simply doesn’t understand your concerns. That’s why I think you really have to sit down with him and explain that this is in fact a big deal and that you’re not just being paranoid. Because, on some level, I get the impression that that’s how he feels, and he’s just trying to placate you.
And after sitting down with him, if he still doesn’t get it… or doesn’t want to help… well, then, I think Jay might have a point in the comment above….
[I do think you need to explain to your boyfriend why it’s so important to you. He may not understand how scared you are.
But I also think that it might be too much to ask him to do it every single night without notice. Maybe you can schedule days to call him as soon as you get your work schedule, and then call someone else on the other nights. ie: talk to your boyfriend through the week, a parent on the weekend. It’s reasonable for him to need a guys’ night, and while he could step out for ten minutes to talk to you, he might feel suffocated if you suggest that. Give him a couple of nights a week to be off-duty, and then expect his full attention on the nights you’re scheduled to talk to him. His distracted phone calls with his buddies are more dangerous to you than helpful.
[Okay so, I agree with the comments above.
I’ll add that when it comes to your safety, you’re ultimately responsible. Would you really want your boyfriend, who’s obviously distracted, to be the one to bail you out in the event “shit gets real”? He’d probably not even realize if something did happen, and you’d have that false sense of security that help was coming; chances are you’d be wrong and wouldn’t do what your instincts were screaming because you thought help was on the way. Make sense? That false sense of security could get you killed, if I can be blunt.
I think Parker’s comment about the buddy system is probably the most sound piece of advice. That and being aware of everything going on around you, rather than getting caught up and distracted over your boyfriend and his tendency to flake, which brings me to….
Follow up question- is this about your safety, really, or is this more that you’re feeling that your boyfriend has marginalized you? I’m not asking that to sound sarcastic or snarky, or meaning it in a derogatory way. But to me, that seems really obvious just given the context. You may want to reevaluate your relationship, because something like this usually indicates a bigger problem, and if you’re not on the same page on the important points, this won’t work out in the long run. Give it some thought.
But seriously, get someone to walk you out at night. Don’t become a statistic.
[I hate to be the contrarian here, but I totally get why the boyfriend would be annoyed with this situation. While your safety is a genuine concern, you need to address it in a real way. Park closer, find a buddy, etc. The phone thing (even if you were placing the call to someone in town) is not a real, long term solution. I would personally be super annoyed if the same person wanted to call and interrupt my plans late in the night every time he or she closed., even if that person were my significant other.
Besides… Are you really going to rely on a long distance voice on the phone if some crazy crack head jumps out of the shadows to shank you?