So, I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half, and I’ve since become good friends with most of his friends. I’m especially good friends with his best friend, lets call him Robert. So, Robert is on his 2nd girlfriend since I’ve known him. He was dating Erica when I met him, and she was fun and easy to get along with. A generally good person (and someone my boyfriend had known for years before she and Robert even dated). Long story short, they didn’t work out and broke up after about a year. They’re still friends, and my boyfriend and I are still close with both of them.
All good so far…
A few months after Erica and Robert broke up the storm had settled and he moved into a house with a few friends and a new aquaintance, let’s call her Laura. Robert and Laura were both single, and they (predictably) fell into a relationship. Here’s where the problems start.
My boyfriend is not crazy about Laura. She has a bit of an abrasive personality, and as much as I’ve tried the best I can to mediate the situation, I’m starting to see where he’s coming from when he says she’s basically a pain to get along with. We don’t feel like we can be ourselves around her. The thing is, it’s exactly the opposite with Robert. He’s such an easy going person, and we feel like we can say anything around him and be ourselves. With Laura, it’s easy to say “the wrong thing” and upset her, thus ruining the night for everyone as she and Robert (the good boyfriend that he is) leave the room conspicuously, as she’s clearly unhappy with the conversation.
I don’t know what to do. I’m an incredibly patient person, and I consider myself very easy to get along with. And we certainly don’t want to lose Robert as a friend. Also, it doesn’t look like Laura is going anywhere any time soon. I’ve even spoken to her personally, as this issue is obvious to everyone, to try and settle the situation. no luck. HELP?
LemonVibe 
[You spoke to Laura personally? What exactly did you say to her? And how did she respond?
Since you’ve already opened up that can of worms, I feel like how it went with Laura will likely dictate your best course of action from this point on….
[How is she abrasive and has thin skin? I mean in what ways? Can you give some examples?
I sometimes comes off as abrasive and arrogant in groups. Especially with new people. I think to talk so I can be pretty quiet and when I do speak up, my opinions are fully formed and I’m confident in them. When it really just is here’s my opinion, what do you think? The honesty and dry sense of humour doesn’t help either 🙂
One on one is a whole different story though.
Can she tell you guys think she’s a bitch? Body language is really difficult to fake. I can usually tell and it makes me really uncomfortable.
Are you including her in your conversations? I’ve dated people who when out with there friends, I didn’t exist. Even when I made the effort to join the conversation.
You’ve talked with her. She knows there is an issue and sounds like she genuinely wants to correct it. Perhaps locking down what is actually happening, with examples, will help us with the advice and help her to correct it.
[Things certainly seem to be on the right track if she came to you with questions and concern over how Robert’s friends were difficult to get along with.
Did she happen to elaborate in regards to how they are difficult to get along with? Do they ignore here? Not make her feel welcome at gatherings or conversations? Do they have conversations that she has no way of taking part in (like an event she wasn’t around for)? Or are they dismissive and generally unwelcoming to having her around?
A fair share of people are often put off by someone who tries to hard to be accepted into a group. It makes those people think the individual has some hidden motives and is trying to “buy” their way into acceptance. From your perspective does she appear to be trying to hard to be liked?
As Dennis asked, I think knowing which topics seemed to offend her will help give, not only a better idea as so possible resolutions, but it will also give us (friendly LemonVibers) a better idea as to the type of person she is and a good way to further approach this.
[Is she young?
I know of a few females like this. I’m one of those “guy-girls”, meaning I have way more guy friends than girl friends. When a female comes into a relationship and realizes that her new guy’s friends are still harboring warm fuzzies for the female she just replaced, well… the shields go up. If she has a naturally abrasive personality, it only makes her “chip on the shoulder” that much more apparent.
There is nothing you can do other than be polite. Either she gets over herself or she doesn’t. I have a feeling that your buddy Robert fell into this relationship because it was convenient. When he realizes that he isn’t having as much fun, and isn’t spending the time with his friends that he used to with Erica, then I suspect Laura will be given the heave-ho.
If the things she is getting offended by is a legitimate concern (racial jokes and she’s that race; mysogynist jokes, etc) then stand up for her. Otherwise, unless she asks point blank, don’t attempt to correct/change her. She will just get mad and manipulate to keep him from the rest of you.
If HE asks why nobody likes her – well, tell him in a nice, non-confrontational way, but explain that ultimately, it comes down to a clash of personalities.