I’ve been dating my BF for about 8 months. Over the past 8 months, I’ve had the opportunity to meet a number of women he’s dated (mostly casually) through mutual interests. My BF is awesome and I’ve never felt threatened by meeting any of his exes, and I think in turn, I’ve been pretty cool and open about meeting them up to this point.
The BF has now asked me to attend a function for another (more serious) ex. I think she’s married now, and I don’t feel weird about it aside from the fact that I’m meeting yet another ex. I’m getting weary of the exes.
The “meeting of the exes” is a totally new thing for me. I’m not friends with my exes, so I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced this in the past. Is it weird that although my BF is a total gentleman and I don’t feel threatened, I’m getting to the point of ex-overload?
LemonVibe 
[I don’t think it’s weird at all and can be completely expected.
If you ask me I consider you a very strong and secure person for having met so many of your boyfriend’s exes and being relatively fine with it. Most couples simply enjoy living in the realm that their significant other just didn’t date anyone before them. 🙂
There are a couple ways someone can interpret a situation where a person is still friends with an ex.
First, the negative. Some will think the person is holding on to a piece of the relationship that is no more; with the hopes that perhaps somewhere in the future the relationship can be rekindled and start again. For whatever reason the person just can’t let go of the other and needs to have them in their life.
Personally, I think the above is a bit extreme. Possible, Yes; but extreme and over-exaggerated.
Second, they may simply like the friendship that this person provides. In this case though I think a lot of it branches out to other variables such as: were they friends before dating, who broke up with who, was it a good or bad breakup?
When I was in high school and college, it was just easier to stay in touch with an ex because we all had mutual friends and there really was no way to avoid one another. Now the only friendship that lingers is due to Facebook and the usual ‘birthday wishes’ on a wall. Nothing serious or malicious intent in that at all.
My best recommendation would be to just be honest with your boyfriend. Let him know how much you trust him, how much you (if you’ve reached that point) love him, and how it is comforting to know he can maintain friendships without expectations beyond that of a platonic nature with other women…however you are starting to get overloaded with the number of exes you are meeting.
Will there be other people/friends at this function as well? If so, you can spend time with them as well. Briefly meet this ex and then hang out with those other friends.
In any case, I do commend you on how you are handling this particular situation as I firmly believe it shows a lot regarding your character and hopefully your boyfriend recognizes that.
[I think it really depends on the setting that you’re meeting these exes. Are these small get-togethers? Large functions with mutual friends? Or maybe you live in a small town and running into them is inevitable?
To me, the settings that you’re meeting these exes may give you more or less cause to be uncomfortable. If he’s hanging out with his exes one-on-one regularly, or with just a few other friends, then I think that would a more valid reason to be weirded out.
On the other hand, if he’s just running into these exes randomly because of these “mutual interests”… well, I think that’s not as big a deal. I, for one, run into my ex occasionally, as we have mutual friends. I also have a professional relationship with a couple others. But, I certainly don’t hang out with any of them one-on-one, because that would be… well, kind of weird.
Either way, I think you’re well within your right to voice your discomfort. I mean, if it makes you uncomfortable, it makes you uncomfortable. Given the way you’ve described it, I see no shame in admitting that. It’s not that you’re jealous, or that you don’t trust him. You’re just not completely comfortable about it, especially given how many exes you met. I think that’s totally understandable. If nothing else, maybe bringing this up will give him reason to consider why he feels the need to continue hanging out with all these exes.
At the same time, I think it’s important to clarify that you don’t feel threatened and trust him. And you do trust him, right? Because, ultimately, that’s the one issue that really matters:
Trust.
[Ah, meeting a bunch of exes. How “fun”. My SOs always have this problem with me. Mainly because I was (and still am) a wild child. Much to the embarassment of my 1st husband, I’d been with more women by the age of 18 than he had when we got married (he was 32). My current SO has the same issue. Add in the guys I’ve been with and well… I stopped keeping track when I was a teenager.
We go to a store and I run into someone. The bar we used to frequent (the bar has gone downhill) was mostly FWB situations all getting together to hang out.
It can get embarassing for the person who has to do all of the introductions. Especially when as you’re walking away and the questions really fly that you have to admit that “yes, I slept with so-and-so”. It’s not necessarily guilt, but frustration that you even have to say “yep, I was with that person” because if you are in a completely honest relationship, that’s the level you’ve gone with. No guy likes to be bitten in the ass later with “but you never told me you dated/slept with HER!” type things.
So your guy was popular. You’re with him now and that’s what counts. He is probably just as embarrassed by having to go into the whole rigamarole of “yeah, we dated” as you are of hearing it.
[Hrm. Never been in that situation. I’m used to lives eventually diverging into completely separate paths with most contact being via facebook or email, if at all. I don’t actually remember the last time I accidentally ran into one of them. Meeting the exes of people I’ve dated (accidentally or not) has been almost as rare. That might just be more natural in larger cities though.
I don’t think it’s remotely weird to feel uncomfortable with it. There are a lot of feelings that come up, no matter how secure you are. Feelings are frustrating like that. I personally would be put off by it if only because it sounds like there are a lot of exes roaming around out there that are easy to run into.
If something doesn’t feel right, talk to talk to him. Bring it up calmly, respectfully, with understanding and acceptance and without blame. It’s always best to start the conversation before it becomes a problem so you can control how you bring it up.
While I do also commend on your poise during this odd situation, do be careful on being overly understanding. I understand wanting to be accepting and not crazy town, but there’s always a limit. When it comes to feelings, there is no right or wrong/should or should not. You can be perfectly OK with something logically, but feel a bit of a twinge. Instincts are a powerful tool that should get a voice.
Who knows, maybe all you really need is that he understands that it’s uncomfortable. Or maybe he needs to take a bit more care in the situation. Or maybe you need to find other activities that he didn’t also share with someone else.
[If it’s his ex then they broke up, simple as that. At some point in the past something didn’t work and they went different ways. His way led him to you, her way led her to a life of not being as awesome as you are.
I’m not sure if that’s the case, but it probably is, even if it’s not, who cares? It’s in the past, let Marty McFly deal with it.
[Thanks, everyone, for the great advice. Your comments made me realize that while it’s a little bit awkward/uncomfortable, it is nothing more than that. The trust-issue is off the table (I trust this guy with my life – he’s definitely a keeper), but I think I’m going to bring up my feelings on the issue so that it’s out in the open.
I really appreciate the reminder that feelings are feelings – there is no right or wrong when it comes to that. Thanks!!
[There is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings, that is the truth!! I think you are justified in feeling a little bit weird about meeting an ex. I have remained friends with a few of my exes. Mostly because most of my relationships started as friendships, but once the relationship was over I still cared about them as a person, you know? My husband has met a few of my exes, and while it might have been weird for a couple minutes, once they got to talking my husband realized why we remained friends. Some people are just worth keeping around in your life. If your bf is still friends with most of his exes, maybe it says something good about him. Maybe it says that he is the kind of person that people want in their lives. And you are lucky enough to have him as a bf! If you are still uncomfortable with meeting this ex, then I would talk to your bf. If he is a “keeper” then I bet he is more than willing to listen to your concerns. And keep in mind, that exes are exes for a reason. And your bf is with YOU now, for a reason.
[I would probably get tired of it after awhile, but as long as it’s all just friendly meetups/social occasions, then you can’t really ask him to stop I guess. You could always just subtly let him know you’d maybe prefer to see a bit less of his exes. But since he’s a keeper and you two seem to have a solid relationship, then try to just go with the flow 🙂
[I can’t elaborate on what’s already been said, but it sounds like he’s a keeper, no matter how many exes he’s had. Everyone’s got a past, but at least he’s open about it and wants you to be a part of his life. I would probably feel weird meeting exes, but wouldn’t you feel weirder if you met so many exes by accident rather than by proper introductions?