Is it wrong to hope an ex isn’t THAT well?

I recently ran into an ex of mine in the book store. We had a few awkward minutes of chit chat and went our ways.

I’ve gained a lot of weight, she has lost a lot.

Is it wrong to wish they weren’t doing so well? I’m not wishing sickness or death or true unhappiness. But maybe they don’t have it so great, and maybe put on a few pounds.

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15 thoughts on “Is it wrong to hope an ex isn’t THAT well?

  1. LMcMack says:

    [Yeah I think it’s normal. It really can be just a sense of validation that you made the right choice, more so than wishing them ill. Or make you realized you fucked up. 😉

    Seriously though, I feel it’s better for your emotional health to simply wish the ex all the best in life, since that is what we would want for ourselves. But it’s easier said than done, and no harm in thinking “mean” things like that on occasion.

  2. karlos says:

    [My dad always had a saying, if you borrow 20 pounds from someone and never see that person again, it’s probably worth it.

    I never saw him again.

    Anyway, the point was that few people part on good terms, you’re no exception. It’s only natural to want to do well and seeing an ex doing well is always something that stings.

    But, pain is just weakness leaving the body, meaning you’re now stronger than ever, use this power to make yourself better than ever. Next time you see your ex, boom, you’re living life to the full and they have herpes.

  3. Happy Pants says:

    [It’s not necessarily wrong to want to be doing better than your ex when you run into her, but I’ll just throw it out there that if you start hoping she does a little less well, and she gets hit by a car, you’re going to feel pretty bad about it.

    I’ve also found it helpful, if you’re petty like I am, to count every little thing you have going great for yourself, and realize that things are probably more even than you think. My ex’s band is doing fairly well now, and he’s happy in a new relationship, but he’s still working the same job (that he hated) as a year and a half ago and living at home; even though I’m single, I have awesome roommates, independence, and am actively pursuing the life I want. Plus I’ve still got the boobs thing going for me, so that’s nice.

  4. resullins says:

    [Oh dear lord no. Don’t feel bad about it. Everyone wants to win the break-up. There’s no shame in that.

  5. Matt Sanchelli says:

    [A lot of people have the frame-of-mind that they have to “win” the break-up…meaning they have to get over it faster and seem to be in a better place (closure) than their Ex.

    It’s natural, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that they wish ill-will toward their Ex, people just like knowing that they have a form of upper-hand.

    I would say this more, or less, is the case for people who were dumped. Those who were on the receiving end of a break up may want to be able to show their Ex that they have continued on their life without this person in it. That it was no big deal. Others may want to show they are doing better out of spite.

    For a person who did the breaking up it could be that they want to show the person they dumped that they were correct in their decision and that things are in-fact better with out them.

    Honestly, the more I write this the more apparent it seems that the major question isn’t so much “should I feel bad for hoping my Ex wasn’t doing THAT well” but more so about your motivations about why you want them to be doing bad.

    I’m not saying this is you at all Anon. I’m posing more of the general question regarding; if someone were to see an Ex, and wish they weren’t doing so well are they doing this out of anger and are they as “over” the relationship as much as they had thought they were…

  6. McLovin says:

    [This is a pretty timely subject for me. I recently ran into someone I dated a while back, and since she decided to come over and say hi to me I figured that I could be polite for a few minutes. She went rapid fire on me instantly; so how have you been? are you seeing anyone? still driving that stupid truck?

    It was obvious she wanted me to ask how she’s been so she could tell me how perfect her life is, who she’s dating, blah blah blah. I decided the best thing for me to do was to not ask, so she would walk away thinking that I didn’t care what’s going on in her life. It worked. Or, at least it made me feel like I had the upper hand, again!

    Of course it’s ridiculous, but yeah, I think it’s natural to want to be better off now that *you’re* not with an ex. But she looked effing great that day!

  7. Matt Sanchelli says:

    [It’s kind of like going to a high school reunion.

    You have people who were once “ugly ducklings” and are now “swans” and you have the people who were the “hot/popular” clique and are now over weight and/or balding.

  8. DavidIsGreat says:

    [Nothing wrong with wanting to win. But two words of caution;

    1) Don’t wish bad things (i found it really funny because I read this as “I don’t wish them THAT much harm”). Kharma.

    2) it’s possible to win and lose with the same person, so don’t get sloppy after an initial victory.

  9. Eleanor Roosevelt says:

    [Totally normal. I think though, that as you grow and heal, and get farther from the breakup, those feelings should fade. I’m not saying you’ll end up wanting her to be a millionaire rock star who cures cancer, but the animosity fades, and you mostly end up hoping the other person is doing ok.

    When I find myself thinking of exes who really hurt me, it’s easy to remember the hurt and wish them ill, but I try to remember that there were SOME good times, and that I’m happy, and I hope the ex is finally happy too, because we obviously weren’t. That helps, a little.

  10. theattack says:

    [I always dread running into an ex when I’m being sloppy, which is often. I’m pretty sure I’ve “won” every one of my breakups, but that might not be so obvious when I’m in my ripped blue jeans and an old orchestra t-shirt. Don’t put too much value into what someone looks like when you run into them, because it really doesn’t tell you much about their life. Who knows? She might have lost weight because she’s depressed, or is exercising too much because of low self-esteem. And happy people can end up gaining weight because they’re comfortable in their lives and may be indulging.

  11. Sabrina says:

    [Appearances can be deceiving! Just because someone looks well, doesn’t mean they are. Personally, I’ll never leave my apartment without some makeup and jewelry, unless I’m doing to the gym. But, inside I battle anxiety and depression daily.

    THAT said, don’t we all have that fantasy of running into an ex who looks ugly and dejected, while we’re happy and have a hotter person on our arm? 🙂

  12. Solstice says:

    [I don’t think it’s wrong as long as you don’t actually wish harm on them. I feel that many times there’s a sense of competition to see who’s doing better among exes, although never voiced aloud of course. I would be upset if an ex had found someone new to date before I did, for example. Not everyone is like that, but those are the feelings that I have. I know your feelings are fairly common b/c I’ve also had friends be self-satisfied when they ran into an ex and they were “doing better” than their ex, whether it’s in jobs, relationships, or looks.

  13. Lili says:

    [This question could not have come at a better time for me! Thanks Lemonvibe and Anon 🙂 I really think Parker hit the nail on the head about the dumpee needing to prove to the person that they are better off without em. I feel that way for sure. And not just feel, I know I’m happier without him but it was hard to be the one to end the relationship. What I’m currently struggling with is the feeling of smugness that I’m hotter than his current gf. I know its shallow and petty and a matter of different tastes, but Its what I am thinkin 😉

  14. PKP says:

    [It’s been a long while since I’ve had an ex, so maybe my opinion is too dated to count, but I never really minded running…. And I forgot about my first high school girlfriend. I actually didn’t care how well she was doing because I was too busy being frightened. In other cases of accidental ex encounters the situations were usually awkward but I find awkward situations kind of humorous (even when it’s me who’s awkward, which is often).

    Anyway, I think if you’re hoping others are doing worse than you, it might mean you’re not satisfied with how you’ve done. Stop thinking about how well your ex or others have done and focus on how you can better yourself and not so you can win the breakup. Confident, successful people don’t use other people’s misfortunes and drawbacks to make themselves feel good.

  15. Lili says:

    [So my week has been spent listening to Natalia Kills on loop. I think its sufficiently killed-ha see what I did there-any I miss you feelings I had about the ex. Thank God.

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