I like to maintain civil relations with my ex-girlfriends (well, some of them). Now, I’m not saying that you should still hang out with your ex all the time. In fact, that would probably be a bad idea. But if you happen to have a mutual group of friends, then… well, you sort of *have* to stay friends, ya know?
But this is where things can get kind of awkward….
At some point, I’m going to want to introduce a new person I’m dating to “the group.” But when it comes to that point, I’m never sure whether or not it’s appropriate to “prep” the ex-girlfriend beforehand.
Should I call her and say, “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I’ll be bringing my new girlfriend to the party this weekend. Hope that’s okay with you”?
Or should I just bring her and introduce her as I would to any other friend?
The reason I ask is because I’ve done it both ways, and I’ve gotten dinged both ways:
I’ve brought the new girlfriend without prepping the ex beforehand, only to be told that it was inconsiderate of me to do so.
But, I’ve also called and been told, “Don’t worry about it. It’s fine.” And I end up feeling like a presumptuous tool, because then it’s as though I think the ex is still hung up on me, so I have to console her by prepping her beforehand.
I dunno. Maybe it’s one of those things where you just have to take it on a case-by-case basis. Anyone have any experiences with this? What would you do? How would you handle introducing a new significant other to an ex?
LemonVibe 
[Is it possible to let it get to her through the grapevine? My thinking is that it could very easily be presumptuous to feel like you have to “prepare” her for your new girlfriend, but at the same time you want to avoid that awkward shock when she realizes you brought the new girl.
Is there a way that people are usually told who all is going? Whether it’s a mass Facebook message with people being invited and saying whether they can or can’t come and who they’re bringing, or the host/hostess just passing along the news of who is coming, it seems like that would be a safe and easy way to prepare her without seeming presumptuous.
[I think it (as you stated) kind of a case-by-case situation.
A lot of it would stem from various factors such as: Who broke up with who? How long did you two date? How long have you been apart? Do either of you have any resentment towards the other? Are things awkward when the group is fairly small, or when it is just the two of you?
My personal opinion is that if you feel like you should give your Ex the heads up then just go ahead and do it. Don’t feel presumptuous if they respond in the like of “Don’t worry about it. It’s fine,” because all you are doing is taking their feelings into account. If an Ex of yours gave you warning that they would be bringing a new significant to a gathering,, and you had no problem with it, would you then think that person was being presumptuous towards you or just that they were being considerate with regards towards the history the two of you share?
What I would be more concerned with isn’t my Ex’s feelings about this introduction but my current significant’s feelings towards meeting an Ex.
[I just want to say that I’ve had similar dilemmas, and I really don’t know what’s appropriate and what’s not…once a former FWB got upset when I brought the new guy I was dating out to a happy hour. Some people are more sensitive than others and it probably does depend on the person in question.
[I don’t think it would be inappropriate to give her a head’s up, but I definitely wouldn’t ask permission… the “hope that’s ok with you” implies that you want her permission first. The ex is NOT your girlfriend, she does not need to give approval for you to bring your new girl into your circle of friends, and does not need to feel as if she still has some power over you.
Would a head’s up be nice? Sure, but it’s not necessary.
I’ve had a lot of inner circle dating in my crowd, and honestly it’s never a problem to just show up with new people. Sometimes it’s a little awkward, but if it bothers her, then it’s something SHE has to deal with. People break up, they move on. Just take her and don’t overthink it.
I’d be more concerned with prepping your CURRENT girlfriend that your ex might be there, actually.
[Other people have touched on it, but let me lead with it: your priorities seem out of balance. Exes are exes for a reason. A healthy person is (if it was an ok break) polite when they run into their into their ex, sure. But it sounds to me like you still have emotional interdependence with many of yours, and you’re probably not present for the new girls that try to come along. I dated a guy once who was still completely enmeshed with his ex like that, it was hell. I’d never do that again. Good luck!
[I think it is admirable that you are trying to be so considerate. But the person you should be concerned with is your current relationship. This is what is important. If your ex gets upset, than so what? If you two are done than it is fair that you two would move on. Would you want a heads-up if she was bringing a date? Probably not, if you have moved on. I think it would be a bad idea to be calling an ex to let her know you are bringing a date…the ex is that…an ex.
[A lot of people are sticking to the phrase of “you should be concerned about the person you’re currently with, not the Ex. The Ex is an ex for a reason.” It’s a given that any person should really consider the feelings of their ‘other’ over any Ex.
But let’s shake it up a bit. Say you and your Ex do not simply share a group of mutual friends (like the OP indicated) but say you and the Ex started out as really good friends (for a couple years) then tried dating for a period of time, and then broke it off (for whatever reason) but have still maintained a civil friendship.
How do you believe this should factor into the situation now? Yes, you do need to be primarily concerned with the feelings of your current significant but do you completely disregard the feelings/thoughts of a person whom has a strong original foundation of a friendship?
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