I am a 65 year old male. I’ve been married once in my life to the same woman for 36 years. I love her but am not in love with her. We are in a marriage devoid of any passion. Tried therapy together 20 years ago that brought back a spark that lasted for a few months then stopped. I know this is not a unique situation. In the spring of 2003 I called a chat line that women could also access. I called on a regular basis. One day I connected with a woman that was there “just to see what it was about”. I told her about my situation. Told her that I had no plans of leaving my marriage but was desperate for intimacy of any kind to feel a connection. We ended up talking for a couple of hours and I asked her for her phone number so I didn’t have to continue paying the outrageous fees that were in reading as minutes past. She was reluctant at first but then agreed. I don’t know why she did but later told me that she appreciated my honesty and was also looking for a connection no matter how impersonal it seemed. She was/is single. I called a couple of days later and we masturbared together while we spoke. It was quite erotic. We shared some very intimate thoughts and feelings but they were all very tender, respectful and nurturing. The calls became more frequent. Phone sex was not always a part of the conversations but it did occur frequently. About six months after the first time we spoke she told me that she thought she was falling in love with me. I told her that I felt the same way. At the time I was 53 and she was 47. We had seen photos of each other but still had not met. Ten months past and we decided to meet. I was seeking employment out of state and we planned our meeting around an interview I had about 2 hours from her home and 7 hours from my home. It was easy for me to come up with an excuse because of the interview. We spent 3 days together. We made love several times over those 3 glorious days.
The relationship had gone from emotional to something far more. We met again 2 weeks later when I had another interview. This time we met halfway between both of our homes. This time we spent 4 days together. This became a trend that lasted for 9 years. We even took a vacation together for a week. The distance became a problem plus I had been hired at a job that made it difficult for me to get away. It became exhausting to keep lying about where I was and the relationship cooled off slowly but phone calls and phone sex continued. The last time I saw her was 9 years ago and we are planning to get together soon. We are still in love but she recently told me that the lying to her friends and family had taken its toll and she was having second thoughts. She wants to see me desperately but does not want to open that door again. Either of us have had sex with any other person for 9 years. I am deeply in love with this beautiful woman and she is in love with me. She is torn as to what to do and feels tremendous guilt because I am married. I am a smart, talented, decent and living man. Marriage is just a word to me when it comes to our relationship.
I overflow with emotion when I think if being with her again. We are both older, still in good shape but not what we used to be. It doesn’t matter. We look at each other and do not see our flaws. Does anyone have any suggestions for us in what to do. I can’t lose her. The thought of this happening is devastating.
LemonVibe 
[Ok… first and foremost, you said that this thing started in 2002. Then you say it went on for 9 years. You THEN go on to say that you haven’t seen her for 9 years? So now that it’s 2020, we’ve got a whole new set of problems. I’m going to assume since you’re still talking and she still says she loves you, that you meant you haven’t seen her in 9 MONTHS.
Next, you are a cheater. Plain and simple. You talk about how much you love your wife, but you’ve been cheating on her for over a DECADE! Right this second, let’s totally disregard the mistress. You need to come clean with the wife. You need to deal with the problems in your marriage. Because right now, you’re putting FAR more time and energy into keeping your “piece on the side” than you are saving your marriage. Now, if you want OUT of your marriage, then that’s fine, but grow a pair and deal with it. If you don’t want out of your marriage, then you’re just plain being an ASS! I’m sorry, but I truly can’t believe you’re this worried about your Mistress while you claim to still love your wife.
I realize that having no passion left in a marriage can cause serious damage and lead people to look elsewhere. As you say, that’s a very common problem. But there are ways to deal with it that don’t involve lying to your spouse for a significant portion of your marriage. You say you tried therapy 20 years ago… but have you tried it again? Have you discussed an open marriage? I know that’s not a big option among your generation, but if you and she can keep an open mind, it may save your marriage. At the very least, you have to TALK TO HER.
I’m not going to lie, I’m going to completely ignore your question of how to fix it with your Mistress, because you’re ignoring the much larger problems.
[I’m not going to ignore how to fix it with your mistress, but my advice is exactly the same. Talk to your wife.
Both of these women deserve better than this. End it with the first one if things are so bad, if not, end it with the other one. You’ve already hurt at least one of them.
You’re prolonging it likely is making things worse, whether you mean to or not
[You seem to be putting a lot of effort into this mistress of yours with hardly any time left for your wife. I think if you really loved your wife you would make more of an effort to ignite a spark with her. Probably you have everything tied up financially with your wife and you are worried what your friends and family would say so you are simply being a lazy cheater and keeping your wife in her little box and enjoying the feeling you get when something is new and shiny. You haven’t had to live the life of bills and stress, etc with this mistress so it’s all unicorns and cotton candy with that relationship.
Reach down.. nut up.. and either make it work with your wife.. OR let her go. Chances are she will be much happier without you.
[I’m not one to judge someone for cheating. But the answer to your problem is in dealing with your marriage. If you can’t end it, then you need to end it with the mistress. Or find a new mistress that isn’t emotionally involved and with whom you can maintain emotional distance.