Should I leave or stay with my husband? He’s not “in love” with me anymore and i feel so alone

Sorry this might be a bit long… I am almost 20 years old, my husband is 22. We have a wonderful little boy together who just turned 1. We married after a little less than 2 years together, 10 months of which we lived together, and we were each other’s first “real” boyfriend/ of 3 years together. I know, we should have waited, getting married that young was stupid. But I loved him so much, and I still do. I thought that surely we could make it work, we were in love and that’s all I thought we needed. He used to make me feel so happy and loved and secure, and on good days he still does, but the bad days far outweigh the good at this point. He is addicted to a computer game called League of Legends. I don’t use that term lightly, he will play for more than 12 hours at a time. He tells me every day that all he wants is for me to be quiet and keep the baby quiet so he can play. He regularly spends over $100 a week on points to buy new characters, skins and abilities for the game, which would be fine if we could afford it, but usually it comes out of money that needs to go towards the power bill for our apartment, or diapers. I feel like we barely know each other anymore. He’s pushed away all my friends and family, I have nobody else to talk to or spend time with. He won’t talk to me about anything meaningful for more than a minute, and I desperately miss the intimacy that we used to have before he found that game. I don’t mean sex, we still have great sex about 3 times a week, but he thinks that that’s all the interaction we need, and he immediately starts another game afterwards, no pillow talk or or anything. He works, but when he’s at home he refuses to do anything, and he makes me feel bad if the dishes aren’t done or he has no clean shirts. He expects me to do all of the cooking and cleaning, and take care of the baby, plus I work 50 hours a week on third shift. I get about 3-4 hours of sleep per day because he is unwilling to watch the baby, he’s okay for an hour but as soon as he needs feeding or changing, he yells for me to “get the baby” because he is crying in hunger and interrupting his game. He never thanks me for anything, he never returns favors, and everything is my fault. I irritated him, I bothered him, he’s grumpy because I didn’t make dinner in time, I did this and didn’t do that. He forgot our anniversary, ignored my birthday, and we havent had a date in a very long time. Even if I get a sitter and get ready and everything, he’s not interested. If I threaten to leave he gets teary and apologizes, says his parents are divorced so he has no examples of a healthy relationship, he’ll try harder, etc. Next day, same deal. I have done nothing but bring this man up. When we got together, he had nothing but a minimum wage job. I got our apartment in my name because he has bad credit, I helped him save for a car, I filled out applications for him to get a better job, I do everything for him right down to telling him to shower. I cook all the meals, bring him breakfast on my way home, all because I still love him. I feel used, lonely, sad, and unappreciated. The other day He told me that he’s unhappy because the butterflies are gone, and that he loves me, but is no longer in love with me. I told him the butterflies can’t last forever, eventually we’d get past the honeymoon stage and we have, but he thinks that the butterflies are supposed to last forever. All that seems like the clear answer is to leave, right? But I just feel like I have invested so much time, energy and love into him, I can’t make myself leave. money will not be the deciding factor, but im not sure if I can pay the bills on my own, especially since I would have to hire an overnight sitter while I work, that would take half my check. He wouldnt have anywhere to go, and he’d be kinda helpless, he’s used to me doing everything, and I wouldn’t be able to stand it if I knew he didn’t have a place to sleep because of me. He’s driven all his friends away as well. A few times a day I’ll get a kiss and we’ll have a few good hours, or we’ll watch movies snuggled on the couch and it gives me hope that maybe we’ll be okay, it’s only been this bad for a few months and it can only get better, I tell myself that maybe this is just a stage and he’ll mature out of it, like he’s making up for the childhood he didn’t get. I don’t want our son growing up wondering which parents house he spends Christmas at. I know it’s a lot harder for kids when their parents are separated, but at the same time it can’t be good if he sees Daddy making Mommy sad every day. I know he loves him, when he does manage to spend an hour with us he’s a great dad, the baby adores him worships the ground he walks on, daddy is his only word. He makes sure he had what he needs, but it doesn’t make up for the rest of the time, and how he treats me. I ask him all the time how we can be better, what’s bothering him, and all I get is that he just wants to game. I feel like he’s contantly looking at other women and texting a “friend from high school or work” while I’ve never even looked at another guy, let alone gotten a number. So what do you think? Should I up and leave him or kick him out, even though that would emotionally devastate me? Stick with it and hope he gets better and grows out of it? Deliver an ultimatum? Destroy his computer?
thanks for reading, sorry again this was so long

2 thoughts on “Should I leave or stay with my husband? He’s not “in love” with me anymore and i feel so alone

  1. resullins says:

    [Oh babe, there’s no way out of this one. You absolutely hit the nail on the head when you said he was living out the childhood he missed. This guy denied himself all his stupid bachelor years… and he’s feeling stuck. He probably pushed his friends away because he was jealous of what they had (or didn’t have).

    This guy is not going to change unless he’s forced to, and right now, you’re taking care of him all while staying with him and being MISERABLE. That is not the life you deserve, and that is certainly not the life your child deserves. You say he watches him, but then says he yells at you if he starts crying when he’s playing his game. So this guy is literally sitting his child next to him while he plays a game?!?!? That’s not parenting. That’s barely babysitting! You have obviously tried to address this by talking, and / or holding it all in until your explode with tears all over him… and it’s not working. You have to put him in a position where he HAS to choose. Trust me when I tell you he’ll find somewhere to sleep, and he’ll find a way to feed himself. He’s not as helpless as you think he is… you’ve just been enabling this behavior for too long.

    You say you’ve invested WAY too long in this relationship to walk away… you’ve invested 3 years. Now… based on the average lifespan of a female American… you’ve got 60 left. Imagine that. Imagine spending 20 times what you’ve already spent with this guy in this situation. That thought EXHAUSTS me, and it should you, too. You could fight every single war in American history over again, and you’d still have another 3 years with this dude.

    Also, as a child of divorce, I can tell you that your child will thrive FAR better in an environment with two healthy and happy parents, even if they’re in separate houses… than he will in an unhappy and unloving household. Having to have two Christmases really isn’t that bad, I promise.

    I already think that you already know all of this. But you’re young, and you’re not very confident… which is why you’re here. You’re out of friends and family to support you, and that’s a terrible place to be in. But I’d be willing to bet that your friends and family will come back if you leave this guy. I’ve been the friend that had to stop enabling someone until they made the smart decision. But I was always there for when she decided to help herself. You have to make the first step… and you’ll find that there really are people in the wings waiting to help you along.

  2. Matt Sanchelli says:

    [Based on everything you wrote it is clear to me that you need to begin to take care of yourself, and your child, and begin the process to end things with this guy.

    A relationship between two people is supposed to be a relative equal amount of give and take from both parties. In your situation it’s become rather symbiotic and he’s the obvious parasite feeding off of you and providing little, to zero, benefit.

    It may sound selfish but you need to focus on YOU; not only for your sake but for your child. A child is no reason to remain in an unhappy relationship. A very close friend of mine had been in similar situations as you; married young, had a child, was unhappy in the relationship. She had invested a lot of time and emotional support into her then husband but mustered up the courage to get a divorce. She, her child, and even her ex-husband, are all happy now. They have an amicable relationship. She has mended and has found success, confidence, and happiness.

    Things may seem dark now, but they will only get darker if you continue to repeat the pattern you’re currently living.

    I have faith that if you were to reach out to your family, or friends, and talk with them about needing to leave him you’ll have a much larger support group than you think. It may sound harsh, but if he can’t provide for himself without you there to take care of him…then that falls 100% on him.

    At this point I think you’ve already given him enough chances and delivering an ultimatum will either only result in the repeated pattern of him crying, saying he’ll work harder…and old habits will soon continue; OR it could also be met with anger and resistance.

    I say once you find at least one person who is going to stand in your corner, you simply need to tell him that it’s obvious neither of you are truly invested in this marriage and it’s time to divorce and begin new lives.

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