Very confused

I have been with my husband for quite sometime now but have been very confused. After over 5 years, I am finally coming to the conclusion that I am in an abusive marriage. I have a child with him on the way and am upset that my mixed feelings are even stronger than they were before. It gets to the point where I go to sleep crying. He yells at me, criticizes me and “talking” does not exist. Our discussions turn into yelling. I get told that I am a sucky person and he hates being around me….Everything that you can think of, I have been told or called that. Sometimes it has gotten to the point of him shoving me, pushing me, choking me or pinning me down. I have called the police before but am always too scared to tell the truth. I’m so confused. I make myself think his anger is okay and that he will change eventually. I can’t talk to him about my feelings, my confidence is non existent. I miss when he used to treat me like a queen. Now it’s just me making the effort to make him happy. I don’t even know how to begin to leave or make him understand. If I told him I wanted a separation or divorce, it would only turn ugly.

3 thoughts on “Very confused

  1. Joanna says:

    [I will confirm for you: This is most definitely an abusive relationship. I would contact a domestic violence (battered women’s) shelter in your community. Or contact this number for the national hotline and they will connect you to resources in your community. 1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) Once you have contacted them, they will provide guidance in the steps to take to get out.

    You have to get out. He will never get better.

  2. resullins says:

    [Run. Do not walk. Run. Run to a friend, run to a family member. Just get OUT of there. You are being abused. And you’re making excuses for this d*****d. You are a text-book battered wife. You hope he’ll change… you stick around… you think it will get better… YOU’RE ashamed!

    Honey, he’s not going to change and it’s not going to get better. Get out of there. Take your child and leave. Imagine how you’d feel if he hurt your newborn?

    I will also add, you need to DOCUMENT what he’s doing to you. You don’t want him suing you for custody of the baby and winning. You don’t want him having unsupervised visitation. And frankly, I think you need a reminder of what he’s doing to you. Go to the police. Go to a therapist. Joanna has given you some resources. USE THEM!!!!

    I really hope you get help. This is about more than just you now.

  3. KathrynFK says:

    [I know it seems impossible to leave. An abuser manipulates you and systematically degrades your confidence and self-worth so that you think staying is your only option. I’ve been there. But thinking you aren’t strong enough, or you don’t have any options, or if YOU behave differently, somehow HE will quit being abusive–none of those things are true. That’s the abuse talking. Please please please let all of these commenters be the voice of reason. Listen to us when we tell you you CAN leave. You SHOULD leave. You NEED TO LEAVE. It’s not your job to make him understand or make him feel ok about it. Your job is to take care of yourself and your baby.

    A temporary restraining order is a good place to start. You should be able to get one given his past use of violence against you. There are free legal clinics in most cities to help victims of domestic violence get restraining orders. Folks at the clinic should be able to help make sure you get sole custody of your child as well. The phone # someone gave above can help you get started.

    Once he sees you are serious about leaving, he will tell you he’ll change and he’ll treat you like a queen again for about a week and then he will fall back into his same abusive bullshit. Don’t buy it. My advice is get your restraining order, find a safe place to stay, get all of your shit together and get out before you even tell him you’re going.

    You can do this. And once you’re out, and you’re ok on your own, or you’ve moved on and are in healthy relationship with a decent person, you will look back and know, without a doubt, leaving was the right thing to do.

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